The Democratic Party is broken, beaten down, shell-shocked, and scratching its heads wondering what went wrong. So, I have decided, being the noble American that I am, to offer some aid and comfort, not to the enemy, but to my fellow Americans as well as some friendly suggestions on how they can rebuild their party and image to compete in four years.
President Obama should keep going around the world making incendiary comments about President (elect) Trump. There is nothing Americans like more than hearing negative comments about the person for whom they voted, and themselves, even more so when those comments are made abroad. Mr. Obama’s presidency started out with an apology tour, and to quote Yogi Berra “it’s like déjà vu all over again.” Maybe when he returns from his last world tour as President he can have a beer summit.
Next on the agenda is making sure protesters remain on the street, blocking highways and businesses. There is no better message to those out of work than people who don’t want to work. College, elementary, and high school kids should continue to stage walkouts. Who doesn’t enjoy watching their tax dollars at work? Furthermore, I implore all Democrats to pass legislation that all Americans should be required to have service animals. I would have suggested dogs, but I want to be inclusive of all animals.
Getting more celebrity endorsements is also a key factor for the next presidential election. Whoever is the next Democrat nominee must ensure that he or she or they acquire endorsements, not just from every entertainer in America, but every entertainer in the world.
Have them create YouTube videos, constantly tweet, Facebook, threaten not only to leave the country but to burn themselves at the stake, maybe quit the profession altogether, because we know they will follow through. But of paramount importance is to call anyone that disagrees with you a racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, white nationalist. I know that might sway the middle-of-the-road voter, like it just did.
Continue to berate, unfriend, and threaten to fire all those who supported the president-elect. Nothing is more charming to most Americans than inclusion and tolerance.
Get the fringe voters. Keep kneeling during the national anthem. Continue to call out our police departments for being racist. Reinforce what must be the biggest issue that people fear as they go to bed at night, climate change. I’m not really sure you guys have spoken about this issue enough. Go to Ohio, Michigan, and Pennsylvania, and drive there in your hybrids. Talk to the Americans with no work, and tell them it’s not that they don’t have a job that is the problem; explain to them how they are replaceable but the earth is not.
Never ever call it radical Islam. In fact, every time there is an attack abroad, and God forbid domestically, keep insisting Islam is a religion of peace, while knocking intolerant Christians. Instead of destroying ISIS, insist that they need therapy; maybe even offer them your service animals. We know that, while ISIS hates all humans, they do love children and pets. Next, absolutely have Keith Ellison as the next head of the DNC. I’m sure many Americans would be okay with his ties to Louis Farrakhan and organizations like CAIR. What Republican or mainstream American voter didn’t like hearing him compare George W. Bush to Hitler? In fact, maybe make Bernie and Ellison co-chairs, a socialist self-loathing Jew and a Muslim tied to extremism. I can hear you winning in four years with this selection.
Create your own communities of thoughts and ideas. The college campuses and the social and mainstream media were obviously not enough to get you over the Trump in this election. So my idea for you is safe zones or sanctuary states. Oh wait, you already have that in New York and California, and that didn’t work. Hmm, I’m running out of ideas. However, I truly believe if the Democrat party has any chance of moving forward and winning in four years, it just might want to adopt some of my suggestions and principles. Oh yes, and continue crying and whining. Keep saying “not my president”; there is nothing a Middle American likes more than a person who whines and cries. Explain to them, it’s not crying. It’s just being in touch with your emotions and the human condition; of course, do this while holding your service animal.
I’m only trying to help. I feel terrible for the people suffering in America right now. I know Inauguration Day will not be easy for them. I know the sight of Donald Trump standing there with his family getting sworn in will send a bad chill up people’s legs. I’m just trying to offer you the message of hope and the things that you need to change so that you don’t ever have to feel this horrific pain and discomfort again. So I get that you are shell-shocked, dazed, and confused and hurting terribly, but I promise, if you keep protesting, and listen to a few of my suggestions, there is no way Mr. Trump will be a two-term president.
The offer renews after one year at the regular price of $10.99 monthly.