As 2024 began, I had little confidence that another year-end satire column could be filled with enough political idiocy to amuse a reader. Boy was I wrong.
[P]ro-terrorist students demonstrating at Columbia University agreed to stop chanting “death to America” until Biden paid off their student loans.
January
The year started off with the world in its normal state. Wars were going on in Ukraine, Lebanon, the Gaza Strip and Israel. We had fallen into another pile of Shiite in the Red Sea with U.S. forces engaged against the Iran-backed Houthis of Yemen. War and terrorism warnings were everywhere and it seemed the whole world was on the brink of a whole lot more than another Trump versus Biden election.
Pursuing DEI, the Federal Aviation Administration began recruiting people with severe mental and physical handicaps. These people were apparently intended to become air traffic controllers and aircraft safety inspectors.
The Trump campaign got the good news that John Kerry, Biden’s special climate envoy, was resigning his government post as Biden’s “climate czar” to help guide the Biden campaign.
Meanwhile, the Federal Highway Administration came out with a new version of its Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices for Streets and Highways. It warned states and localities against using humor in traffic signage such as, “Going to the in-laws? Slow down and get there late.”
The World Economic Forum is now complaining that coffee production is contributing to “climate change.” Let’s be perfectly clear: any interruption of my coffee supply will result in violence.
February
CNN anchors Erica Hill and Phil Mattingly were interviewing some guy about why gangs were going to Florida to spend the money stolen in New York. When the guest was asked why they didn’t just steal in Florida, the two were rendered speechless when the guest said that it was because, in Florida, the gang members would be sent to jail.
In the space of about ten days, Biden proved himself to have all the brain power of a potato. He claimed recent meetings with German Chancellor Helmut Kohl (who died in 2017: Biden’s supposed meeting with him was to confer about the January 2021 U.S. Capitol riot) and with French President Francois Mitterrand (who died in 1996). He also said that Egyptian President el-Sisi was president of Mexico.
Special Counsel Robert Hur’s report said that Biden couldn’t be charged with federal crimes because he lacked the mental capacity to stand trial. Biden then held a presser to express outrage at Hur’s conclusion and then had to be guided off the stage by his wife.
Trump was fined $355 million by a Democrat judge despite the facts that there were no victims, no damages, and that the Eighth Amendment prohibits excessive fines. Meanwhile, Hunter Biden claimed that his abstention from using crack was a fight for democracy.
Various private people and reporters tried to use Google “artificial intelligence” chatbots to portray historic American figures such as George Washington and Abe Lincoln. The images created by the chatbots were various people of color — including those of East Asian appearance — and zero old white guys.
March
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Colorado had no power to throw Trump off its primary ballot. The Babylon Bee reported that the SCOTUS ruling was immediately overturned by Whoopie Goldberg and the rest of the cast of “The View.” The Bee also reported that 99 percent of men pretend to use “The Force” while operating garage door openers.
MSNBC headquarters was evacuated for several hours after a bedbug infestation was discovered. Not all of the bedbugs were identified as MSNBC anchors.
For Biden’s state of the union address, the capitol was ringed by a heavy-duty fence. The Babylon Bee reported that the fence was intended to keep Biden from wandering away. At about the same time, Biden’s former climate czar, John Kerry, said that if Russia made more of an effort to reduce emissions, people might feel better about what it’s doing in Ukraine.
The Babylon Bee reported that women were discriminated against when buying coffee, spending vastly more than men. The Bee quoted one lady who blamed sexism for the discrimination while sipping her double-caramel mocha frappuccino with almond milk, extra whip, rainbow sprinkles, and two shots of mint.
As the month ended, Old Joe managed to insult every Christian by labeling Easter Sunday “Transgender Visibility Day.” He later denied that he did it.
April
A 4.8 magnitude earthquake hit New York City and surrounding states. “The View” co-host Sunny Hostin said that the earthquake — and the cicada plague and the solar eclipse — were all caused by climate change. Seismologists later determined that the earthquake was caused by Chris Christie falling out of bed.
Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez declared that she would only use lower case letters from now on in order to fight capitalism. Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson called for a cease-fire in the Gaza Strip but not in Chicago which had 617 homicides and 2,450 shootings in 2023.
The makers of the Scrabble board game announced that they were introducing a new “less competitive” version of the game to make Gen Z’ers less likely to cry. The new version will also be simpler to score to accommodate Gen Z’ers’ math incompetence.
College basketball star Caitlin Clark was celebrating her new five-figure pro salary when some people started complaining about low WNBA salaries. According to the Babylon Bee these people are willing to do anything to get higher pay for players except watch the games.
Biden said that his uncle Ambrose had been shot down over New Guinea during World War II and had been eaten by cannibals. Papua New Guineans denied the implicitly racist remark saying that they wouldn’t eat just any guy who fell out of the sky.
According to another Babylon Bee report, pro-terrorist students demonstrating at Columbia University agreed to stop chanting “death to America” until Biden paid off their student loans.
May
A bunch of frat boys at University of North Carolina Chapel Hill defended an American flag from an attack by a bunch of “mostly-peaceful” anti-Israel “protesters.” Someone started a “go fund me” page for them to fund a frat party which brought in something north of $400,000. They could stay drunk until they graduate.
San Francisco announced a “managed alcohol program” under which alcoholics would be able to get free beer and vodka shots in an effort to keep the homeless off the streets and in the alleys where they belong.
The American Council for an Energy-Efficient Economy advocates that we should use cold water for showers, shaves, and hand-washing to save the planet. Anyone who has been in the military, your humble columnist included, has shaved or showered (often both) in cold water and has resolved to never do so again.
Noo Yawk Mayor Eric Adams said that illegal immigrants should be hired as lifeguards because they must be good swimmers. Speaking of swimmers, Sports Illustrated had CNN’s 69-year old Gayle King — who no one would describe as svelte or sexy — as its cover model on the swimsuit issue. In a related incident, the City Museum in St. Louis entered the Guinness Book of World Records by hosting an event in which about 350 people gathered, each wearing underwear on his or her head.
Victorinox — the maker of Swiss Army knives since 1884 — announced it would begin making pocket “tools” without knife blades because of its concerns about “knife crime.”
June
A Noo Yawk jury convicted Trump of 34 counts of falsifying business records to hide a payment to a stripper. As the Babylon Bee said, the jury convicted Trump of being Trump. Milk companies announced their new policy that whenever a transgender person went missing, his/her picture will henceforth appear on containers of Half-and-Half.
On Fathers’ Day, Sen. Chuckie Schumer (D- NY) posed by a barbecue to demonstrate his grilling skills. Neither Chuckie nor whoever posted the pic understood that when making cheeseburgers, you don’t put the cheese on raw meat. In a related report, Washington Post columnist Kathleen Parker said Biden should replace Kammy Harris with Hillary Clinton. Anyone who valued Biden’s life could not agree.
The Duffel Blog (the military version of the Babylon Bee) reported that the Pentagon was commencing a new “See Something Stupid, Say Something Stupid” campaign. It is, according to Duffel, “an encouragement of military personnel to report instances of sheer stupidity within the ranks while implicitly acknowledging the inherent stupidity involved in military service that will render that reporting equally idiotic.”
Denmark announced that it would, beginning in 2030, tax the farts of cows, sheep and pigs. Intellectually flatulent Danish politicians haven’t tried to tax human farts. Yet.
Biden was so incoherent in his first debate with Trump that even the New York Times said he needed to quit the presidential race. Hillary Clinton, after eight years out of the presidential picture, said she was tanned, rested, and ready to run in his place.
July
The Secret Service detail guarding former president Trump failed to prevent an assassin from wounding him and blamed local cops. Director Kimberly Cheatle said “the buck stops with me” and didn’t resign, nor was she fired by Biden. The Babylon Bee reported that the Secret Service was hiring blind midgets to protect Trump.
The Bee also reported that the small piece of Trump’s ear that was shot off had begun growing into a whole new Trump.
Ah, Paris. The City of Light. In preparation for the Olympic Games, some organizers were worried about the pollution in the Seine, in which many swimmers and rowers were to compete. Paris’ mayor said she’d take a swim in the Seine to prove its suitability. Thousands of Parisians scheduled a “poop-in” to prove her wrong. The Olympic dorms for athletes were reportedly generously provided with Olympic-brand condoms.
The Olympic opening ceremonies were highlighted by a drag queen parody of the Last Supper, insulting every Christian in the world.
The Wokelympics continued without air conditioning in the athlete dorms (some teams brought their own) and foisting a vegan diet on the athletes who — surprise, surprise — craved protein. Tons of meat and eggs were finally brought in to rescue the athletes. The highlight was a boxing match between an Italian lady and an Algerian guy — a tranny — that lasted for 46 seconds before the tranny won.
The Babylon Bee reported that Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ, of course) asked the judge presiding over his trial and convictions for bribery and corruption how many gold bars it would take to make his convictions disappear.
Biden shocked no one except his wife when he withdrew his candidacy for a second term. The Clintons immediately endorsed Kammy Harris and, probably for that reason alone, many Dems had a queasy feeling in their guts. But they were stuck with Kammy because the $100+ million campaign chest would have to be given back to donors if she’s not on the ticket.
August
After having conducted the telephone campaign to get Biden to quit the race, Wile E. Pelosi denied that she had pressured Biden to quit. She added that his face should be added to Mount Rushmore. You can’t make this stuff up, folks.
Several Olympic swimmers got really sick (E. coli, etc.) from swimming in the sewage of the Seine.
Delta Airline’s Chief “Diversity, Equity, Inclusion & Social Impact Officer,” Kyra Lynn Johnson, announced that Delta would no longer use the phrase “ladies and gentlemen” in airport announcements because it’s not inclusive of non-binary people. Meanwhile, the U.S. military realized it had been using a gender-neutral word as a noun, adjective, and pronoun for about 250 years. The word is “f****r.”
According to public polls, while Washington, D.C. is rated the worst place to live in the country, San Francisco is always vying for the title. The latest problem for San Fran is the self-driving cars made by a company called Waymo. When the Waymo cars approach each other their horns beep incessantly.
September
The captain of the USS John McCain, Cmdr. Cameron Yaste, was fired from his job after a picture became public showing him shooting an M-16 (M-4?) with a telescopic sight. The problem was that the sight was mounted backwards and Yates was oblivious to the fact that he was looking through it from the wrong end.
California celebrated the anniversary of its founding as a state in 1850. In that year, the state was broke, people had no electricity, almost everyone spoke Spanish and there were gunfights in the streets. Nothing much has changed.
Taylor Swift, who has made a fortune singing about her bad choices in men, endorsed Kamala for president.
Thousands of Hizballah terrorists had been carrying pagers to keep in touch with their bosses because Israeli intel was able to easily track their cell phones. On September 17, all the pagers blew up. Israel’s Mossad was laughing too hard to comment on its responsibility for the explosions. (To no one’s surprise, the Iranian ambassador to Lebanon was carrying one of the pagers and was injured — we hope seriously — by its explosion.)
The following day, hundreds more of the Hizballah terrorists were injured or killed when their low-tech “walkie-talkie” radios exploded.
Kamala Harris was reportedly in stable condition after a reporter asked her an unrehearsed question.
A few days later, Jill Biden called the first cabinet meeting in eleven months and chaired it. Joe was seen but not heard. A Scandinavian Airlines flight from Norway to Spain was forced to make an emergency landing after a mouse jumped out of a lady’s in-flight meal.
As the month ended, the 2024 Chicago White Sox proved that the 1962 New York Mets weren’t the worst team in baseball history. It’s hard to imagine how they did it, but they lost more games in a season than the ’62 Mets did.
October
National Public Radio, which only exists because it absorbs way too many tax dollars, is now claiming that climate researchers have proven that American men should eat less beef because cattle produce so much methane.
After Kamala couldn’t think of an issue on which she and Biden differed, the Babylon Bee came up with ten differences between them. On the list was, “Harris: Likes Doritos. Biden: Once got into an argument with a bag of Doritos.”
The latest online diet craze is to sprinkle your food with dirt. It supposedly enhances a probiotic diet but you’ll have to take antibiotics if you do.
As the month ended, the Washington Times reported that some American women, psychotherapy having failed them, were turning to witchcraft.
November
Two Australian mathematicians published a peer-reviewed study supposedly disproving the “infinite monkey” theory. That’s the one that says that given an infinite amount of time, a monkey typing on a keyboard would produce the entire works of William Shakespeare. Their study contends that the time it would take would be longer than the life of our universe.
America did very well on its national IQ test on November 5, reelecting Donald Trump with a majority popular vote as well as a virtual landslide in the Electoral College. A huge sigh of relief was heard across the land. No one was happier than Joe Biden except, perhaps, his wife. Kammy is sure to get a professorship at Hahvahd or U.C. Berserkely or a job at MSNBC.
About a dozen Wisconsin women gathered at lakeside to give forth primal screams because Trump had been reelected.
Surrounded by the State Department’s losers, misfits, and boozers so traumatized at Trump’s reelection that they were hanging by their fingernails, our worst-ever secretary of state Tony Blinken, announced relief in the form of taxpayer-funded grief counseling. He was probably first in line.
Democrats were stumped by the question of how Kamala spent $1.5 billion and didn’t get elected. When reports said that over $20 million was wasted on entertainers, Oprah said that she never personally received a dime but her company got at least $1 million from the Kamala campaign. Shakedown expert Al Sharpton got about $500,000 for his endorsement.
Trump says that he could do away with the Department of Education. The Babylon Bee reported that Democrats oppose the idea because they fear that abolishing DoE could make kids smart enough to not vote for them.
Sotheby’s auctioned off a piece of art for $6.2 million. The “art” consisted of a banana duct-taped to a piece of wall.
Jaguar released a tv ad featuring transgender men/women without a picture of any of its cars. This is the first “Bud Light 2.0” commercial to appear in a while. Its approach will do for Jaguar what it did for Bud Light.
On November 22, Facebook suspended Smith & Wesson’s page for posting about guns.
December
The best news that December brought was that after the Dems’ shellacking by Trump, Hillary Clinton wants to run for president again. And she’ll probably be joined in the nomination contest by Kammy Harris and Alexandria Cutie-Cortez. That’s waaaaay too good to be true but one can hope.
Old Joe, still hanging on to the presidency, ordered his cabinet members to spend as much money as possible before they are thrown out of their jobs by the incoming Trump administration. Joe’s pardon parade continued. No one seemed to question why, if he’s not mentally competent to stand trial, can he be mentally competent to pardon anyone?
And as the year ends, nothing much has changed. Wars continue in Ukraine, Gaza and Lebanon. Syrian rebels — the leaders of whom are reportedly “former” al-Qaida allies — have overthrown the Assad regime and China is threatening Taiwan. The best thing we can see on the horizon is that we may get at least a week’s respite before the 2028 presidential campaign begins.
As the year ended, the Montana Supreme Court took the prize for the most idiotic decision of the year. Its ruling said that the state constitution guaranteed a right to protection from climate change in a suit by kids arguing that climate change caused them severe stress and anxiety.
So Happy New Year, America. Relief — or at least change — is in sight.
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