Rod Dreher said it, and I couldn’t agree more. Joe Biden is too boring to hate. We conservative columnists are going through a crisis of agreeability. As far back as I can remember, from Carter to Obama, it’s always been fun to write about Democrat POTUS. You know, Carter had the wits of a piece of dry wood, Clinton made it way too easy for us, and Obama was so incredibly phony that even today I’m convinced he’s a white, blue-eyed redhead. But Biden is different. There’s not much you can say about someone who wakes up every morning trying to remember, with help from his advisers, his own name.
Even the most partisan journalists are having a bad time defending him. You can criticize an idiot or back a madman with all your soul, but it’s exceedingly difficult to show the slightest enthusiasm for someone who has the same personal appeal as those arugula sprouts that hipster restaurants put on their six-story, 10-cheese vegan burgers. And taking into account that he is the president of the most powerful nation in the world, and the most radical of those who have ever held the office, his ability to generate irrelevance is amazing. Biden is so absurd and paradoxical that he is capable of being extreme right and extreme left at the same time, arousing in both cases the same indifference. Whatever he says, his every speech is equivalent to half a dozen sleeping pills.
In just a few months in the White House, he has made incredibly hostile foreign policy decisions and has spoken out harshly against leaders such as Putin, whom he called a “killer,” or Xi Jinping, whom he accused of genocide. Just a few days after taking office he ordered a bombing in Syria, although perhaps he just wanted to ask his secretary for some coffee and pressed the wrong button. A few days ago he made a major economic stab at Spain on account of the Google tax, which has left his admirers in the Spanish social-communist government speechless (with the sin comes the penance). And, generally, according to the logic of the progressive press, Biden has turned out to be much more fascist than Trump. But even that has not granted him half as many headlines as the former Republican president.
No one expects anything from Biden. Not even Biden himself. And that should be exasperating Americans at this crucial moment in history.
In the other ideological hemisphere of his very strange brain, Biden has flirted with the Chinese dictatorship, become friends with Islamism, and already proclaimed twice that white supremacist terrorism is the greatest danger to Americans today — I suppose immediately after Bigfoot, and just before the Bogeyman. The president understands real threats just as well as he understands Catholic doctrine. But whatever the occasion, with Biden the party always ends up resembling one of those most tedious ones in a P. G. Wodehouse novel: “It was one of those parties where you cough twice before you speak and then decide not to say it after all.”
I suppose Uncle Joe could be fun in the lead role of Father of the Bride, as long as his part of the script consists only of grunts and grins. Or maybe he could advertise dental implants for senior citizens. Or shoot a spot about children’s shampoo, following his peculiar habit of sniffing other people’s scalps. But the truth is that as soon as he crosses its threshold, the White House becomes the Gray House. Even the janitors fall asleep. There, this year a fly has been seen yawning for the first time. Even the Chinese spies collapse lethargically inside the closets. No one expects anything from Biden. Not even Biden himself. And that should be exasperating Americans at this crucial moment in history. And it would, if only most hadn’t become catatonic watching the president babble vaguely on television. After all, he only goes viral when he loses his train of thought at some event and anxiously asks his advisers, “Where am I? And what were we here for?” And that is too dramatic for jokes.
If he stays in office too long, we satirical columnists will have to resign and, worse, actually start working. That is one thing I could not bring myself to forgive. Besides, there is nothing we like better than insulting idiots. We need a president who is completely dumb and offensive, because if not, all this bad blood that flows through the veins of us journalists and starts to clot, swelling and swelling more and more, until our heads explode. And even then, all Joe Biden would say is, “What was that? Rockets? What’s going on? Is it the Fourth of July? Ladies, gentlemen — congratulations, everybody!”
Itxu Díaz is a Spanish journalist, political satirist and author. He has written nine books on topics as diverse as politics, music, and smart appliances. He is a contributor to the Daily Beast, the Daily Caller, National Review, the American Conservative, The American Spectator, and Diario Las Américas in the United States, and is a columnist for several Spanish magazines and newspapers. He was also an adviser to the Ministry for Education, Culture, and Sports in Spain. Follow him on Twitter at @itxudiaz or visit his website: www.itxudiaz.com.
Translated by Joel Dalmau