America, you asked for Elizabeth Warren (D-$8.5M Net Worth), and despite all evidence to the contrary, persisted in believing that she was a worthwhile potential candidate. Well, your hard work has paid off. No, Elizabeth Warren is not going to declare her intent to run, though she’s 100% certain that she is moving Hillary as far leftward as her little bowl-haircutted Native American noggin possibly can, she’s merely inspired your next contestant. 

Ladies and gentlemen of Iowa, we hope you like Bernie Sanders. All of the progressive lunacy, none of the restrained dignity.

Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders will make an announcement on Thursday about his intentions to run for president, a source close to his thinking tells CNN.

Sanders, an independent senator who caucuses with Democrats, has been inching towards a presidential run for months by traveling the country and speaking to liberal groups in critical presidential states like Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina.

Sanders’ Senate office would not comment on his 2016 plans, but the source close to the senator said Sanders’ Thursday announcement will likely be a subdued.

The news of Sander’s Thursday announcement was first reported on Vermont Public Radio.

Like many people who choose to live in Vermont, Bernie Sanders has but a tenuous grasp on reality. With a whopping 3% of the vote in the most recent polls, however, he feels that he can provide just that “X Factor” needed to convince America’s voters that its more important to be consistently crazy than it is to be routinely functional. 

Sanders has not yet released a campaign platform, but last December, he issued a twelve-point plan that he contended would save America. The plan includes raising the minimum wage, breaking up corporate banks, building roads and bridges with government money so that no one goes unemployed, reform trade, provide free higher education, expand Social Security, reform Obamacare into the kind of single-payer system that couldn’t even survive in his home state, and abolish the use of fossil fuels. Now while all of those things may terrify you, when enacted separately, remember that, if enacted togeter, they could result in the kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland that would require all of us to compete for our own survival using crudely fashioned robot weaponry. So there’s a bright side.

And when you think about it, why settle for Elizabeth Warren when you can have a real progressive in the White House? Temporarily. Until the aliens invade.