I have a number of problems with Axe body spray, almost all of them stemming from terrible experiences in the Jersey Shore era, where the scent would literally permeate the walls of any building into which a college-aged dudebro walked. It’s certainly choked and saddened me. It has never, as I can recall, however, starved me.
But according to newly minted Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, who is mostly a Socialist when he remembers to take his medication, spray deodorants like Axe body spray are actually what is standing in between the poor, starving children of America and their dreams of a happy life on a progressive commune where everyone wears flowy skirts and no one wants for anything because there’s always a grilled cheese cooking on a carburetor.
If 99 percent of all the new income goes to the top 1 percent, you could triple it, it wouldn’t matter much to the average middle class person. The whole size of the economy and the GDP doesn’t matter if people continue to work longer hours for low wages and you have 45 million people living in poverty. You can’t just continue growth for the sake of growth in a world in which we are struggling with climate change and all kinds of environmental problems. All right? You don’t necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants or of 18 different pairs of sneakers when children are hungry in this country.
Now, obviously, Bernie is quite elderly, and therefore, likely prone to bouts of utter insanity, but I think he might be being serious here. After all, Bernie’s entire campaign is predicated on the notion that the government doesn’t do enough and that a progressive income tax, that hits some people at 90% or more, is the only way to institute the kind of massive wealth redistribution necessary to make us all equally unhappy. The government, apparently, needs to start taking away those assets from the people who make shoes, and start putting them towards operating Communist bread lines.
This makes sense, somehow, to Bernie Sanders, who despite working in the actual government, is still under the impression that the government controls all available resources.
Unfortunately for Bernie, the market doesn’t play out that way. According to the Washington Post, 23 is actually the number of organic spray deodorants only available to residents of Bernie Sanders’ imaginary hippie commune. On the market today, there are almost 2,000 types of deodorant. And because the market is so effective at meeting everyone’s deodorant needs, deodorant is actually cheaper now that it was when Bernie Sanders was a young lad and fossil fuels had yet to be discovered because the dinosaurs were still roaming the Earth. As for shoes, well, shoes these days are cheaper than ever, thanks to the free market. At one time, a family spent almost 10% of its yearly income buying shoes. If you shop right and don’t mind a few pairs of dress sandals, you can own hundreds of pairs of shoes for what it cost Bernie Sanders to buy a pair back when he needed to shod his feet to keep them from melting away in the magma flow as the continents split apart.
So it’s hard to see how deodorant makes kids poorer.
Maybe Bernie Sanders just has a thing for that ripe smell.
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