The secret’s out! We finally know what AOC does for a living! She’s a miner! She works, as far as I have been able to investigate, in a gold mine. It is the most peculiar gold mine on the planet because it extracts recycled gold, a kind of very rare mineral that is in great demand among the rich people in the Democratic Party. This is the reason AOC has recently been able to show off an extraordinary engagement ring and brag to the world that it is recycled gold, which is probably the greatest advance in the history of global environmentalism, there being nothing worse than those awful people who break up with their partners and litter the countryside with their gold rings. I live near a nightclub with a very bad reputation and the front lawn is overflowing with discarded engagement rings. AOC has finally solved this very serious problem.
I have consulted with my chemistry experts and they tell me that the only ecological way to recycle gold is to steal it from someone else’s hand. But it’s likely that my trusted chemists are just a bunch of fascists who want to spoil AOC’s biodegradable and vegan wedding. By the way, from this very humble column, we would like to wish AOC many years of happiness with Riley. In fact, it’s only fair to say: Thank you, Riley, from the bottom of our hearts, for taking her, just please don’t give her back.
I’m told that the guy prefers to stay discreetly in the background and that makes sense to me. I would too, especially with a girlfriend who is capable of showing up at the Met Gala wrapped in a piece of white cloth with “Tax the rich” painted red all over it. Having said that, I think Riley will make a great and loyal husband. If he was able to stand by her through the embarrassment of the 2021 Met Gala, there’s nothing that can get between them. And I’m glad. I’m all for love and even more for the happiness of others; that is, I’m not the kind of guy who enjoys raising taxes for others.
What drives me crazy is that AOC has said that her recycled gold ring is also “zero emission.” Now, I find myself wondering if my gold ring has emissions. I look at it every morning in the light, hoping to catch it with its guard down, spewing a little cloud of CO2 into the atmosphere or leaking plutonium at night. Maybe they are secret emissions.
There is also a chance that the AOC mine is able to extract gold without emissions, except for the emission of the gold itself into the outside world, of course. But that reminds me a bit of those climate summits where the world’s tycoons gather in private jets from all corners of the globe to tell you and me to ride our bicycles to work.
Contrary to what most conservatives think, AOC has a long future on the Left. Not because of her ideas, which are as wrong as anyone else’s in the Democratic Party, but because of her artifice. The recycled gold ring thing is a way for their own to forgive them the expense of proving every day that they are part of the caviar Left. And it is funny. But what is more dangerous is the imposture, the cynicism, and the brazenness with which they take us all for idiots. That is the key to the new socialism: the one who has the least scruples for putting on a farce will always get the farthest.
However, when all is said and done, I welcome AOC’s new commitment to mining. At least now we know she has a job and that it is an entrepreneurial, ecological, resilient, sustainable, vegan, egalitarian, and anti-fascist project. I’m thinking of buying a gold tooth from her mine, but I find the fact that it’s recycled a little disgusting. I can’t help imagining that they pulled it out of some poor b*****d with pliers to sell it to me. What could make me think such a horrible thing? They do it with taxes. Why wouldn’t they do it with my tooth?
I wish you, beautiful Alexandria, much happiness in your marriage. I only wish wholeheartedly that Riley is not also recycled and “zero emission.”
Itxu Díaz is a Spanish journalist, political satirist, and author. He has written nine books on topics as diverse as politics, music, and smart appliances. His most recent book is Todo Iba Bien. He is a contributor to the Daily Beast, the Daily Caller, National Review, the American Conservative, The American Spectator, and Diario Las Américas in the United States, and is a columnist for several Spanish magazines and newspapers. He was also an adviser to the Ministry for Education, Culture, and Sports in Spain. Follow him on Twitter at @itxudiaz or visit his website: www.itxudiaz.com.
Translated by Joel Dalmau