Congratulations, friends. We’re back. Our enemies have snapped out of the coma they fell into when Biden took office. It’s not that they liked him — they just dozed off during his weird pauses. And young Trump’s energy has jolted them awake. They’re hating America and everything the West stands for again. That’s fantastic news. The worst thing is when idiots don’t hate you.
They’re already screaming awful things in Arabic on their dull TV channels — until an Israeli missile crashes the live feed, doing an explosive striptease in response to their war-mongering rants. Maybe the missile’s got “Let’s get along through friendly dialogue” scribbled on it.
Nothing’s louder than an Iranian cleric’s mouth. Even the Islamic world knows it. Among radicals, there’s still a pecking order. You’ve got the small-town mosque preacher, who loves detailing how to whip women. The lone European jihadist, whose sex life is so pathetic it’s easy to convince him to blow himself up for a paradise full of bikini-clad girls. The Pakistani terrorist leader, so pinpointed by every intelligence agency he’ll be found more often than not eating cockroaches in a filthy cave. The ISIS TV-producer terrorist, whose biggest leap in 500 years is learning to edit social media videos. The Palestinian terrorist, convinced by the international community that his massacres of innocents are just political activism. And then there’s the Iranian cleric, seductively stroking a nuclear warhead while filming a video to wish his niece a happy third birthday.
Trump’s now told Iran, in so many words, that its vast land could fit Texas and Alaska combined — a perfect spot for a middle-class American family’s vacation home, free of pesky nuclear radiation! All Iran needs to do is beg the U.S. military to start the demolition work.
Now that the U.S. president has informed the supreme leader they’ve got him in their sights but aren’t in the mood to drop a bomb on him just yet, Ali Khamenei has two options: keep tweeting his delusional fantasies about beating Israel in a war, or hand over his account password to Trump and enjoy a well-deserved retirement (especially deserved by the citizens who endure him). All revolutions are bad. Islamic ones are worse.
As for the rest, the Chinese don’t want trouble — or at least not the kind with explosions and casualties. Putin’s torn between spitting in Trump’s face or downing a bottle of vodka with him, swapping Russian blonde jokes. North Korea’s chubby leader is getting old and unhealthy, with his geostrategic agility as robust as his cholesterol. Syria’s now so cozy with the U.S. that Damascus is plastered with billboards thanking Trump (even he didn’t see that coming). With Pakistan, Trump’s working on a trade deal, so it’s not the time for their leaders to piss off the boss.
As for Cuba (what’s left of it), Maduro (what’s left of him), and other usual suspects, they’re too busy starving their people to death. Maybe once they’ve finished off everyone, they’ll fancy threatening the U.S., but it’s hard to be a threat when your army hasn’t eaten in days.
In short, the usual America- and West-haters are back, thanks to Trump, and that feels good. The difference is that their bloc isn’t as solid, and there are some key players missing. Iran can keep slamming its arsenal into Israel’s Iron Dome if it wants, but every explosion there is another drop against Trump’s patience. Since that assassination attempt last campaign, he’s got a low tolerance for idiot enemies who feint but don’t swing, who promise talks with the White House while belting out Islamist war hymns on TV and showering a U.S.-friendly country with missiles.
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