This is a true story. The events depicted in this article took place in San Francisco, Mexico, in June 2053. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.
Sven Transgendergaard was visiting Mexico in its state of California in 2053. It was June, and he made his way to San Francisco to be part of Pride Month. He was celebrating his pride in his homosexuality. Upon arriving, he was interviewed by Phaque Gnus, the famous progressive telejournalist who had a nightly TV show on what once was called “CNN” and now was known as “TV for America’s Last 83 Smart Viewers.” Gnus asked Sven what brought him to Mexico’s “City by the Bay” for Pride Month.
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“I am here to celebrate that I am gay.”
“You mean that you are homosexual?” Gnus confirmed.
“Ya betcha Bob,” Sven answered.
“So, in essence, you are here to declare to the world that you have sex with men?”
“Yah.”
“Did you bring a poster we can video?”
“Yah. Like I was sayin’ here it is.”
It read: “I Have Sex with Men. Lots of Men. And They Have Sex with Me. Gay Pride.”
“Isn’t that kind of a private matter, when you put it that way?”
Sven answered: “But that’s what it means when we celebrate being gay. We are not declaring to the world that we are liberals or conservatives, Americans or Swedes, or such. When we declare a Gay Pride Month, we are declaring for everyone to know that we have sex with men. I am a man, and I have sex with men. Do you have a problem with that?”
“No, I support your rights. But it does seem a bit of a private, personal thing when you point out that Gay Pride is really about declaring to people simply who you have sex with.”
Sven was irritated: “I think you should leave this area now before we hurt you.”
Phaque Gnus left the area and continued to the next block, where they encountered a different “Pride” demonstration in honor of San Francisco Pride Month.
“Hi, what are you here for?” they asked.
“We are a group proud that we have sex with horses. Our slogan is DEI: Diversity (stallions, fillies, steeds, mares, mustangs), Equinity, and Inclusiveness (people who prefer ponies, colts, geldings).”
“You have sex with horses?” Gnus asked.
“Yes, do you have a problem with that? Are you a White Supremacist Palominoist?”
“No, it just seems terribly private and personal, that you people have sex with horses.”
“You people? That is a beastly way to talk.”
“OK, I’m sorry. But is it our business? Do we need to know how you breed thoroughbreds?”
“Look, I have no time to talk with a broncophobe like you. Besides, you will have to excuse me, but I have to leave now to talk to a man about a horse.”
Phaque Gnus decided to get back to the studio to file their report. But on the way, they encountered one more “Pride” demonstration.
“Hi,” they asked. “Are you here for Pride Month, too, in San Francisco, Mexico?”
“Yes,” the gentleman answered.
“And what are you celebrating?”
“Diarrhea.”
“Excuse me? Can you say that again? I may have misheard you.”
“We are here to celebrate Diarrhea Pride. Many of us have irritable bowel syndrome. Others among us boycott Imodium because its tablets are white, the color of guilt for Six Thousand Years of documented racism. We prefer Pepto-Bismol: Pink Power! And we all are here with our brown flags of pride!”
Gnus tried to absorb the information. “But isn’t this terribly private and personal, your excretory issues? Is it something the public needs to know about?”
Silence.
And then a response: “You are a filthy bowelphobe. We need to flush your likes out of our society.” Behind him, there were the chants: “What do we want? Elimination! When do we want it? Now!”
It was an enlightening day for Gnus (they/them/their). As they grabbed an Uberlyft, they saw a yellow flag and another Pride parade just beginning. It was the BPH Pride event, celebrating benign prostatic hyperplasia. Its celebrants find that they need to micturate many times each night. Gnus asked the driver to pause a moment. They got out of the car and grabbed a quick interview.
“Please tell me about your cause.”
“We have BPH and micturate frequently. We are proud. Perhaps you have heard of our internationally famous leader, I.P. Daley?”
“No, I have not heard of them,” Gnus responded. “But isn’t your bathroom situation a terribly private and personal matter? Is it something about which to declare ‘Pride’ to the whole world?”
The questions were met with outrage. “Why, you dirty urinist!” His antagonist was about to squirt him, but suddenly music started playing, the anthem of the BPH Pride movement. He kneeled on one knee in rapt silence as the street orchestra began playing “The Yellow Stream.”
The Uberlyft driver called out. Gnus returned to the vehicle. It was a climate-sensitive car that ran on recycled videos of Don Lemon and Christiane Amanpour. As the car proceeded to Gnus’ studio, they asked the driver to pull off to the side of the road for a moment.
“Why?” the driver asked.
“It’s a private matter,” Gnus responded. “Personal. Some things just should be kept personal and private.”
As they attended to their business, Gnus thought to themselves, “Maybe I should start a new Pride movement: Pride in Privacy and Decency.”
But they thought better of it. They would be fired if they dared try that. Better not to leak the idea.
