There is a growing and worrying market for fake quotes. I have friends who have tattooed their backs with a quote attributed to Diego Armando Maradona, believing it comes from Aristotle. And it’s a plague that is completely out of control. So much so that there are countless fake quotes that are better than the originals, and that reveal truths their supposed authors could never have reached. As a journalist, I like to contribute to the chaos, and that is exactly what I’ve come to do with my own collection (ideal for breakfast mugs, tattoos in Chinese characters, and motivational messages on school and office whiteboards):
Adam Smith: “How sad it is that so many people who defend me to the death are incapable of understanding my books.”
Albert Einstein: “It is incredible that my theories have gone down in history, and that scientists of all eras have taken me seriously, despite the photo of me sticking my tongue out.”
Angela Merkel: “The best thing about the Refugee Welcome policy is that the migrants never make it to my little cottage in Uckermark.”
Arthur Schopenhauer: “What time do we eat lunch here?”
Barack Obama: “I hate people like me, but I can’t say it in public.”
Cicero: “I have never said 90 percent of the nonsense attributed to me.”
Charles Darwin: “For God’s sake, I’ll say it one last time: Gregor Mendel did the pea thing, not me.”
Cleopatra: “The truth is, I was incredibly beautiful.”
Descartes: “I hate it when Alexa randomly plays Bad Bunny.”
Emmanuel Macron: “The other day I almost had a heart attack: I was walking through Paris, and I ran into a Frenchman!”
Fidel Castro: “I’m not very capitalist, but someone should pay Che Guevara and me image rights for the merchandising at far-left music festivals.”
Franz Kafka: “I find it irritating that they use my surname to describe a team’s strategy in any sporting event.”
Frida Kahlo: “Beautiful, beautiful… I’ve never been.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky: “Since 1821, saving idiots from their own stupidity.”
George Soros: “My great contribution to humanity is to annihilate it without them noticing.”
Itxu Díaz: “For fake quotes to be attributed to you, there first has to be someone who even slightly cares enough to quote you.”
Joe Biden: “Did the quote have to be mine, or can it be someone else’s?”
Justin Trudeau: “Being born male is an act of ancestral hostility by men against women.”
Kamala Harris: “If you want to succeed in life, don’t do what I do, and learn to keep your mouth shut in public.”
Karl Marx: “I’m just a spoiled brat.”
Mark Twain: “It’s a shame my funniest quotes are apocryphal.”
Mahatma Gandhi: “Actually, I’ve been a bad guy.”
Napoleon Bonaparte: “Ideas become incredibly persuasive once you’ve burned a few cities down first.”
Nelson Mandela: “With me began the great lie of international cooperation and development aid.”
Paulo Coelho: “If you desire something with all your soul and heart, you stretch your arms toward the universe begging for what you so desperately want, and you count to six while holding your right testicle with two fingers, absolutely nothing will happen. Follow me for more self-help advice.”
Plato: “Thinking is fine, but cold beer is unbeatable.”
Ronald Reagan: “Do I really have to be quoted by so many idiots?”
Socrates: “Life consists of choosing between Western culture, its cathedrals and its literature, or kebabs.”
Thomas Jefferson: “Bill de Blasio is a fool.”
Voltaire: “You will suffer the consequences of my actions.”
Winston Churchill: “Would kill the asshole who took the first photo of me with a cigar.”
READ MORE from Itxu Díaz:
Imagine a Better World: More Rich People and Fewer Mamdanis
I Thought of You While Reading This Novel
The New Billionaires Believe They Can Survive Anything If Their Bunker Is Deep Enough
