Americans, a compassionate people, have elected presidents crippled from polio (Franklin Roosevelt), diagnosed with Addison’s disease (John Kennedy), and suffering from Tourette syndrome (Donald Trump). But some maladies ask too much from voters, including RBF, which explains why Kamala Harris never becomes president.
Dr. Emmett Brown, running under his nom de politics “Bernie Sanders,” threw his hands up when he misheard opponent John Hickenlooper say “1.21 gigawatts” in Tuesday’s debate. Mankind sooner builds a time machine out of a DeLorean than gives everyone free health care, free babysitting, and free college tuition.
If you don’t vote for Jay Inslee, the world will end. So, vote for Jay Inslee — unless you’re a James Bond villain, in which case, vote for anyone but Jay Inslee.
John Delaney possesses no chance to capture the nomination. He possesses a 100 percent chance to appear in hologram form, hauntingly vocalizing, “I told you so! You would not listen. I told you so! You would not listen,” above the beds of restless, over-tired progressives, uneasily differentiating nightmare from reality, on the eve of Donald Trump’s second inauguration.
I’m Steve Bullock. Vote for me: my awesome, Chuck-Norris-of-Names intimidates all enemies foreign and domestic.
If Andrew Yang does to ties what John F. Kennedy did to top hats, then he will have accomplished more than most of the men who ever sat in the Oval Office. Can we build a statue, somewhat larger than the Washington Monument, of his likeness now for this contribution?
Amy Klobuchar seeks to make history by becoming the first American to eat a salad with a comb ever elected president. Her ordering a staffer to clean the grooming device/eating utensil makes this landmark event somewhat unlikely.
Wayne Messam serves as mayor of Miramar, a city in Florida whose name means “look at the sea.” Look at the sea, gaze for a long time, stare at it until you can see “President Wayne Messam.”
Elizabeth Warren, chieftainess of the long lost Cantabs, who hold periodic tribal meetings at Out of Town News and Au Bon Pain, wants to make America Harvard Square. Never dismiss the presidential ambitions of the only J.D. in history to parlay a Rutgers Law degree into a tenured professorship at Harvard Law.
Son of San Antonio Julián Castro experiences his Alamo before South Carolina. This is not a right-wing talking point.
Marianne Williamson plans to deliver her first State of the Union levitating above the speaker’s rostrum. Vote Love — and Levitation.
Pete peaked prior to the premiere primary. But when Hollywood remakes Airplane, Mayor Pete Buttigieg remains the American who can most credibly fill the late Barbara Billingsley’s comedic shoes in delivering the line, “Oh, stewardess. I speak jive.”
Seth Moulton announced for president. He runs for secretary of defense.
Cory Booker, a bald, vegan bachelor, exhibits “no known vices,” O, The Oprah Magazine informs, as though this is a good thing. Is using many words to say nothing now a virtue?
Voters wishing to elect the first extra-dimensional, photophobic, anthropomorphic lizard to the White House prefer Joe Sestak. He polls at zero percent, perhaps because this powerful voting bloc unmasked the imposter Sestak as not a Sleestak.
Tim Ryan represents those taken-for-granted, working-class Midwesterners who fled Hillary for Trump in 2016. He forgot that his party forgot about people like him.
Should Joe Biden find that the third time is not a charm when it comes to presidential runs, don’t fret. A man who can falsely boast of “three degrees” (double major, single degree) and “the outstanding student in the political science department” from the University of Delaware (ranked 506 out of 688 students) and a “full academic scholarship” (half scholarship based on need) to Syracuse Law where he “ended up in the top half” (ranked 76 out of 85 students) in one breath, incorporate Neil Kinnock’s biography into his family history, and claim Sy Sperling’s hair as his own possesses powers of imagination so unbounded as to delude himself into believing himself president.
Joe Biden can win with a fake lineage and Elizabeth Warren can place with a fake ethnicity. But Bill de Blasio, née Warren Wilhelm Jr., cannot even show with a fake name.
Would you rather look at Tulsi Gabbard on television every day for the next four years or a 240-pound septuagenarian with orange skin? Don’t act like this does not matter.
Michael Bennet was born in New Delhi. But his candidacy attracts so little attention, save for when search engines spit out his picture instead of Super Bowl champion Michael Bennett, that even birthers don’t bother.
Novelist Kurt Vonnegut, in outing himself as John Hickenlooper’s real father, advised him of “no genetic reason for you to go on being a dork or a dweeb,” “utterly colorless,” and a “twerp.” Father knows best, but the penchant of recalcitrant children to rebel against his wise counsel remains strong.
Kirsten Gillibrand shooed Stuart Smalley out of the United States Senate for feigning to grab the Kevlar-vest-shielded breasts of a sleeping woman. She runs for president as a single-issue candidate seeking to make Henny Youngman’s most famous joke a capital offense.
Beto O’Rourke, who expropriated a Mexican’s first name, penitentially divulges that “I acknowledge the truth of the criticism that I have enjoyed white privilege.” His skateboarding on stage, dropping of f-bombs, and live-streaming a dentist appointment, though befitting of a “psychedelic warlord” of the Cult of the Dead Cow, soon enter political science textbooks as a case study in how not to campaign for the highest office in the land.
Tom Steyer … because 23 candidates were not enough. After Black Lives Matter, Occupy Wall Street, and the presidential election of the human personification of wealth, Democrats so wanted a white one-percenter as their number one.