Please don’t bother with Oscar predictions. At least those forecasting who wins meaningless honors such as “best actor.” The promoters are promising a night free of politics and the usual hyperliberal preaching. But these people can’t help themselves. They believe movies are a powerful political force that change people’s lives and Congressional votes. They are convinced of that importance and of the fact it can be maintained only by making films to please their fellow whacko liberal Hollywood neighbors. Their courage, of course, is equal to any man’s (or woman’s or whatever their imaginations contrive between). So this year, we have movies that prove the courage of the Hollywoodenheads by writing and presenting the entire 2008 Democratic presidential platform so the Dems don't have to bother us with it later. The courageous movies are about: (1) homosexual shepherds misdescribed as cowboys; (1) a homosexual writer, the late Truman Capote; (3) transsexual Americans (“Transamerica”, for which the insurance company should sue for trademark infringement); (4) America’s evil in oppressing good Arabs in favor of bad ones that allow us to control the flow of oil; and (5) possibly to be honored as best foreign film, a movie that glorifies terrorist suicide bombers.
I plan to watch most of it because we will have to make our own awards for:
WORST POLITICAL SPEECH BY AN AIRHEAD: There’s no contest in this category. George Clooney, if he gets to the microphone at all, will be the winner. Look for him to call George Bush a war criminal and demand we close Gitmo;
LAMEST POLITICAL JOKE: John Stewart will not be able to stop himself, and the evening’s most humorous moment will occur when Stewart makes some crack about Brokeback Republicans or Cheney’s hunting accident. For which he will receive a standing ovation;
MOST CLAIMS TO POLITICAL COURAGE: this is a hard one, because everyone, from Clooney to Brokeback to Capote’s new incarnation will be congratulating themselves for the enormous courage it took to make the only movies Hollywood tolerates any more. It’s all about money, they say. They’re all such patriots, sensitive to the concerns of real Americans that they’d be making “Sands of Falluja” starring John Wayne’s grandkids but for the fact all their marketing experts say nobody is interested in anything that praises our nation in time of war. That, of course, is the biggest falsehood they’re peddling. Movies are suffering a huge decline in attendance. If it was only about money, theaters would be full of happy patrons seeing what entertains them. Instead, theaters are full of garbage that people refuse to pay to see. Stewart is the fave in this category, but only because he’ll have more stage time than anyone else. Unless we suffer another marathon acceptance speech. But not even the Hollywoodenheads want to listen to “Paradise Now” director Hani Abu Assad – presumably no relation to Bashar Assad – talk about Palestinian suicide bombers for very long.
CHEESIEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: The competition will be tough, but look for a new talent to distinguish itself. We will be watching for the phoniest shared congratulations and thanks from some hitherto hidden talent who – for all the syrupy thanks – really, sensitively, sincerely, with feeling, from the bottom of his heart means, “it’s all about me, and that’s why I’m up here holding the Oscar, not you.” In Hollywood, like in Washington, sincerity is everything. As Bill Clinton proved, once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
