Growing up, I loved the TV show The Price Is Right. A sick day from school wasn’t the same without it. It wasn’t must see TV, but rather sick day TV. At the end of the show, as Bob Barker assembled his beauties, he would always preach the message: “Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets; we need to control the pet population.” Apparently, while I was staring at the beauties, with his message barely audible, many men and women of my generation heard a different message. They heard: “Let’s not forget to spay and neuter your men, and help control the male population.”
We’ve all had a friend who was so insecure that it makes everyone around them uncomfortable. If you don’t have that friend, sadly, you might be the friend. Why are so many men and women so uncomfortable around the President-elect? Why does every word he utters, tweets, or thinks send so many into a depressed tail spin? One person can’t possibly cause this much internal mental carnage. What is it in you, not in him, that is causing this phenomenon? Who in your sad lives does Donald Trump represent?
Is he the guy who didn’t pick you in the five-on-five pickup game? Did he not ask you to the dance? Did he needle you too much when your mom made you wear tight-fitting pants to school? Did you sleep with him and he never returned your call? Was his car better than yours? Did he break the promise your mother made to you, as she coddled you tightly and promised you that all men and women are created equal? Was he the person your mom told you to stay away from? Were you jealous because he was having so much fun, while you were sitting at home drinking Ovaltine, watching Sisters, wearing the crocheted sweater your mom made for you?
Yes, women and men, the 30-year lap band you imposed on men was working. Barack Obama was not only distinguished as our first black president; he was also, by virtue of the lap band, our first emasculated president. Barack Obama was your Ken doll, and if you don’t get that reference look at images of the Ken doll and see what he’s missing. Many believe man was created in the image of God; Barack Obama was created in the image of a Ken doll. The President-elect, however, is certainly no Ken doll. He doesn’t just like Barbie, but he likes Barbie’s friends too. You call him a pig, we call him a man.
So men and women of the press, the nation and the world, it’s not Donald Trump who has to look at himself, it’s you who have to look at why he makes you so freaking uncomfortable. Because, in case you haven’t noticed, he seems pretty OK. You say he’s thin-skinned, yet every action of his causes you to bleed. You say he’s, what’s that word you used, oh that’s right, intemperate, but it’s you who have lost sleep, and your minds. How’s your temperament doing, not too well is it? God, you guys on the left are so easy to poke and prod, and I must say it’s a lot of fun.
I get it, Donald Trump is everything your moms told you was wrong with civilization, as they made your dads record The Bachelor and sent them on Costco runs. But ladies and men on the left, I’ve got some news for you; no man, no real man wants to watch The Bachelor. Men don’t always think before they speak. It’s what makes them men. They say stupid things way too often, and often don’t get what they did wrong. It’s not that we are mean or cruel, we are simply men. Yes, I know many in the highly educated press and in states like California and New York don’t get this, and to be fair, how could they? They were raised and educated in a cloistered world; a world where no one gets hurt. Where, when you fall, you don’t get up, but your mom runs to you with antiseptic and a bandage. These women and men cannot understand why women voted for Donald Trump. It’s simple, women like men. This is who we are no matter how much you try to socially reconstruct and engineer society.
Why do you think Shark Week is so popular among men? It’s because we have had to live vicariously through the sharks. So, members of the media, the intellectual left, it’s not time for us to be spaded and neutered like you desperately tried to do. Been there, done that. It’s time for you to open those top buttons and take off your sweater vests. Watch some old ’80s music videos, and open a beer, an American one, not some dainty hand crafted crap. You don’t have to tell your moms. It will be our secret. Go on Tinder and swipe right with the women your mother wouldn’t approve of. Do you really want to date your mom or marry your mom? Women swipe right on a Trump supporter. You’re 30 and single, and to quote the President-elect: “What have you got to lose?” Re-watch some old episodes of The Price Is Right, and this time with a little more focus on the beauties and less on Bob Barker. Hey, I’m just trying to be of service. I’m the one smiling right now, content and comfortable. You are going to be the ones in therapy for the next four to eight years.
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