We Are All Tom Brady Now
by

Did you, Tom Brady, vote for and support Donald Trump for president? Are you, or any of your family members, Donald Trump supporters? How deep does this run through the New England Patriots organization? Is it just you, the owner, and the head coach? Or does this treasonous and anti-left sentiment run through the organization? How many of you call yourselves “patriots”? We want names. And, if you give us names, we will still prosecute you in the court of social media justice.

Everyone who has ever been in contact with Donald Trump should be “left” scared. If you have ever taken a picture with him, shaken his hand, or accepted a donation from him, you will be called in front of a Facebook Tribunal. You will be asked to denounce any affiliation you have with him. You will also be asked to reveal handles and friends. Your social lives and profiles will be dissected. Your Twitter handles will have red check marks, and you will be put on the “Facebook Subversive” list.

Your apps will need to be left-approved. How long has that Uber app been on your phone? When was the last time you used it? You said, in your dating profile, that you were open minded. Does that mean that you are open minded to TRUMP? I see that you regularly check the stock market. Are you a supporter of capitalism? You have no weather app. Do you not believe in climate change? We will send out regular alerts of apps that have been banned, and ones pending approval, as well as your proletarian registered phones. The list of all approved apps will be sent to you.

You will eat only at left-approved restaurants and fast food chains. You will receive our pre-approved list of Halloween costumes, and holidays that can be celebrated. Meryl Streep, George Clooney, Kerry Washington, and Aziz Ansari are on the entertainment advisory board. They will deem who can direct, act, star, and sing. Weekly retraining seminars will be run by Alec Baldwin.

That’s right, folks, the “left scare” is here. It is their last weapon, and last line of defense, in their rapidly decreasing arsenal and losing battle. What once was a slight subliminal message, is now a full on propagandist, identity, culture war. You are either with them, or you are dead to them. It was they who went “1984” on us, long ago. It is they who chose this battle. It is they who chose to brand those, who dared to ask, and those who dared to question, as “less desirable” and “deplorable.” Let us never forget that.

Is this a Twilight Zone reboot? How I wish. This is, sadly, the show of our lives. So, come Sunday, let’s order our pizza from Papa John’s, and let’s have it delivered via UberEATS. If you are lonely, download eHarmony. If you are lost, get on your Waze, or if you want some music, blast that Toby Keith. And, with words you Bolsheviks will understand: “we’ll put a boot in your ass because it’s the American way.”

Tweet loud and proud. Follow and stand up for those who have been outed. When asked how you are, say you are “great again.” This is our time to declare our right to exist. It is our time to reclaim our civil liberties and American nobility and exceptionability. Change your profile picture to say: “today we are all patriots,” and declare this Super Bowl as not the day the Patriots played the Falcons, but as the day that we stood up. This Sunday, we are all Tom Brady, we are all Patriots.

 

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