Top Ten Jobs for Jihadists - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Top Ten Jobs for Jihadists

How do we get rid of the scourge of “violent extremism” without taking direct and violent action against the perpetrators of the worst crimes against humanity in recent history?

Often the best ideas come to us when we least expect them.

Taking a break from the cares of high office, Barack Obama was shooting imaginary hoops in the Oval Office one day last week — doing fist pumps every time he “scored.” Suddenly, it occurred to him that he had to do something more than hitting short or medium-range jumpers; something more, even, than nailing three’s from beyond the arc.

With time running out, he stepped behind a potted plant at the edge of the office and let a shot fly from downtown directed at the wastebasket alongside his desk. In his mind’s eye, he sank the game-winner!

“I’ve got it,” he told his aides. “This is what we will do. We will launch a comprehensive jobs-for-jihadists program. It will be the best thing since Midnight Basketball.”

Barack Obama did not invent Midnight Basketball. However, in his humble opinion as a pot-smoking community organizer who rose to the unbelievable height of leader of the free world, it was one of the best ideas that wasn’t purely of his own invention. Midnight Basketball was invented in 1993 by then President Bill Clinton and fellow Democrats as a means of getting gangbangers off the street at midnight and onto a basket court so they weren’t killing people.

Here, then, is a list of the top ten jobs for Jihadists targeted in the Obama administration’s soon-to-be-announced Comprehensive Jobs-for-Jihadists Act (CJ4JA).

#1 Wal-Mart Greeters

Who better to meet and greet shoppers — and urge them to load their shopping carts to overflowing — than hooded and black-robed jihadists who will decapitate anyone who dares to oppose them? Recognizing the hugely stimulative effect (both for the company and the U.S. economy as a whole) of this surefire method of boosting consumption, Wal-Mart Stores Inc., with encouragement from the administration, now plans to boost pay for its lowest-paid U.S. employees to $10 an hour by next year, which is 38% higher than the current federal minimum hourly wage of $7.25. This will be a great inducement for otherwise unskilled jihadists to sign on as new “associates” at Wal-Mart. Look for the company’s stock price and its contributions to the Democratic Party to soar in coming months.

#2 Part of the Establishment of Free Community Colleges

As the president never tires of saying, we must “invest” more in the education and training of our young people —including, as he sees it, young jihadists who are contemptuous of everything Western education has to offer. In turning free community college into a new entitlement, the Obama administration will no doubt find a role for young jihadists to play not just as students but also as teachers in conducting training sessions on racial, religious, and gender sensitivity and diversity. To quote the president once again, the jihadists have “legitimate grievances.” Aren’t you just dying to find out what they are? This will give a whole new dimension to our greatly expanded community college system — if the president succeeds in selling his plan.

#3 Posters, Flags, and All Kinds of Signage

The Islamic State is already on record in promising to fly its black flag over the White House. If that is the kind of thing young jihadists like to do, why not encourage them to fly their flag and to raise their banners at other public buildings around the country? So here is another job creation scheme that would provide a more symbolic and less unpleasant alternative to rape, plunder, and executions in broadening the range of activities available to young jihadists.

#4 Border Security

Last summer, we were treated to the spectacle of hundreds of illegal immigrants from Central America streaming into south Texas on a daily basis — wading across the Rio Grande in full view of helicopters and speedboats with mounted machine guns under the control of people supposedly charged with border security. This happened after the Obama administration announced a $2 billion program to build temporary house to accommodate a greater number of illegal immigrants, including unescorted children sent with backpacks, cellphones, and notecards with telephone numbers of U.S. relatives. However, if the administration were suddenly to become serious about securing the border, it would have adopted something more like the system of roadblocks and security check points found throughout war-torn areas in the Middle East and Africa. The jihadists know all about border security.

#5 Tax Collection and Revenue Enhancement

No government — not even the one that is now in power in the U.S. — has been more dedicated to the goal of raising taxes and extracting wealth from everyone of means who has had the extreme misfortune of coming under its dominion than the Islamic State. The Obama administration could employ thousands or even millions of jihadists as old-style tax farmers or tax collectors — personally empowered to go out into the field to collect money from anyone lucky enough to continue to possess it.

#6 Obamacare Death Panels

In a recent article in the Atlantic titled, “Why I Hope to Die at 75,” Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, one of the principal architects and advocates of Obamacare, cited a mass of statistics showing how, for many people, the body declines dramatically in their mid-70s, with the major costs of health care occurring beyond that age. His article carried the clear implication that it would be sensible government policy to cut off major care expenditures for people over the age of 75 — thus confirming the suspicion voiced by Sarah Palin and many others that the panel of experts ultimately responsible for cost control under Obamacare would evolve into “a death panel” — deciding the age at which it would be most cost-effective and humane way to cut short a human life that might easily be prolonged through medical science. In addition to their new duties as tax collectors, jihadists could therefore have a role in the implementation or enforcement of Obamacare.

#7 Social Media

In an interview in the New Yorker little more than a year ago, the president flippantly downplayed the growing menace of the Islamic State and other al-Qaeda offshoots as no big deal, saying “If a jayvee team puts on Laker uniforms, that doesn’t make them Kobe Bryant.” The astounding growth of the Islamic State over the past year has been due in no small part to its mastery of the Internet and social media to recruit new members from all over the world and to launch terrorist attacks throughout the Middle East and Europe. Surely, the new Obama jobs-for-jihadists plan will find a way to channel their social media moxie in more innocent ways — as the president himself did recently in clowning around with a selfie stick… making the video of himself for that went viral.

#8 Infrastructure Building and Demolition

Under Keynesian theory, if a nation’s infrastructure is not deteriorating fast enough, it makes sense to destroy it and start all over with new construction — in order to stimulate faster, government-dictated economic growth. Let the jihadists have at our roads, bridges, dams, and port facilities.

#9 Early Childhood Education and Development

No time is too soon for children to be taken from their parents and turned over to educators trained by the state. Those who have been trained in this way (including many jihadists) can train others.

#10 Sustainability / Reducing our Carbon Footprint

The jihadists want to turn the clock back more than 1,200 years — teaching us all to live like goat herders. What’s not to like about that? We have everything to learn from them about reducing our carbon footprint.


If there is anyone who can work with jihadists — and help to create jobs for them — it is our 45th imam. Scratch that. I meant to say, our 45th president.

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