You have been abused; you have been lied to, cheated on and stolen from. They have repeatedly told you that it will get better and that things will change, but they never do. You’ve been in this relationship for over thirty years trapped with the hope that they will treat you differently this time. Scared to go out on your own you tell yourself it will be different this time and things will change. But it won’t and they never do and, deep down, you know that but you are addicted and a thirty-year habit is hard to break. You can’t imagine a life with them and you can’t imagine a life without them. You tell people that you don’t know the real them, and if you only knew them like I knew them. You cover for their lies by beating down all that will reveal their truths. You have risked your careers and your livelihoods and reputations to protect them, and you may not see it yet or maybe some of you do but you need help. The good news is there is help; the bad news is it’s going to be a rough eighty-day detox for many of you.
The first step is admitting you are powerless over the Clintons and that they have made your lives unmanageable. This won’t be easy for many of you since you truly believe you have some power. Since addiction is the only disease that is self-diagnosed, I will not try to convince you. Just try for the next seven days not to defend them. Try for the next seven days to actually report the news. If you can do that, hey, I was wrong and no harm no foul. But if you find yourself sweating and shaking and wanting to have just one more sip of Clinton, that’s totally normal and it’s called detoxing. It won’t kill you even though it will feel like you are dying; I promise you are not alone and it will get better.
Since we only have eighty days we are going to fly through these steps, and since the God thing bothers so many of you, and we have but a limited time frame, we are going to jump to step 4. What you are going to have to do now is “a searching and fearless moral inventory.” This isn’t about being bad trying to get good, this is about you being sick trying to get well. We know most of you aren’t bad people, you started out in a noble profession, and we all get lost on this journey they call life. There is no judgment, we just want you to get better. So you are going to have to look at your part; that’s what the 4th step is. Where have you caused anger, jealousy, and resentment? For many of you it might be easier if you have the approach of where haven’t you caused these things? Here is a little tip to help you with this one; remember, I don’t want to interfere too much with your recovery. How many nights did you not report the full story if any of the story at all? How many nights did you bash, harm, and ruin the lives of other people to protect the life of the Clintons? So just make a quick but meaningful list, since this is time-sensitive, of all the people you have harmed; most importantly, for this step to work, you must look critically at the part you played. Again we aren’t judging you and you aren’t alone.
Next we will combine steps 5 and 9. These steps are where you will share your 4th step and start the amends process. It shouldn’t be that difficult in your profession to find people you can trust with your secrets. I kid, of course, but we have to have levity and a bit of humor; it’s part of the healing process. Since you are only as sick as your secrets, let the cleansing begin. How about this and it’s just a suggestion since that’s all we give. How about sharing it with your audience in one fell swoop by coming on the air and simply saying that after reviewing your lives and doing the best introspection a reporter can do, and having hit bottom, you are sorry for all the lives you have hurt and ruined. Promise that you will try to change. Say that you are sorry for causing so much anger and causing so much hurt. Apologize to the women that you slandered to protect your precious Drug. Look directly in the camera and say, Monica, we are sorry. You were only twenty-one and we should have treated you with dignity, and, “I know this sounds trite but sorry for ruining your life.” Tell all the rape accusers, the women that were paid off, that it might take years to repair the damage you have caused them and that you understand that they might never forgive you. Tell them, that until your last day on the air and on earth, you will do whatever you can, all that is possible, to repair the damage. Say you realize how blessed or lucky you are to be in your chosen profession and from this day on you will always strive to be fair and balanced. We are forgiving people, not the stupid masses you have taken us to be. I can’t promise all will accept your amends right away; that might take years if ever; all you can ever do is clean your side of the street. But the next eighty days are a good start. Hey, your ratings might even go up, and all Americans might start believing in the media again. But like I said, it’s all a suggestion.
Just say it with me and say it out loud, “You are powerless over the Clintons and they have made your lives unmanageable.” God, doesn’t that make you feel just a little better? You are free, or you can be free, to be that reporter you always dreamed of; you are free to actually report the news and tell the truth. Raise your hand admit, you are a “Clintonholic,” and let us be your support group and your support system. I promise you we won’t discard you. I promise we will cheer you on as you tell us how many days off the Clintons you are. I promise if you have a slip we will not abandon you, I promise that if you meet us halfway we will carry you the rest of the way.
Hopefully after doing these steps and continuing to do so, you will have had some sort of “spiritual” awakening. We hope you realize we aren’t asking you to take our side we are just asking you not to take any side. What we are essentially saying is do your job. All we want is for you to report and let us decide. Would you rather have the love of a few or the trust of millions? Call it addiction, call it codependency, and call this an intervention; we are your interventionist, and your support system. All we want to do is help, but you have to take the first step.