Every week, I find myself learning new things. For instance, this week I learned that wearing white represents the color of women’s suffrage. Who knew? I thought they might be headed to their local Kabbalah center after the address, or maybe a local interactive Jim Jones musical. Obviously, I would have much preferred the latter. There is so much to learn from the modern-day Democrat, a platform so steeped in ideals and beliefs. So, with the baseball season about to begin, and in the great tradition of Mel Allen and “This Week in Baseball,” here is my week in liberalism.
A hero, a genuine American hero, Carryn Owens, is given a standing ovation for losing her heroic half. The Left, then, calls her a prop, and that’s being kind, given some of the hatred that has been spewed. So, to be clear, it was okay for Democratic members of the House to wear white, and that wasn’t a prop. It was okay to bring illegal immigrants as your guests, and hiss during the President’s speech. Who knew hissing was popular again? All those cute ladies in their Jim Jones attire, giving thumbs down, and cackling like a bunch of schoolgirls. That was okay. Why weren’t the men dressed in white suits? Where was the unity with the Democratic women’s suffrage? Come on, cryin’ Chuck, get that Kittel out of storage. Sounds more like the props calling the kettle black.
We learned that it’s more offensive to liberals to have a woman, mind you the first woman to run a President’s winning campaign, sitting on a couch with her shoes on, while fully clothed, taking a picture, than it is having a President in the Oval Office, having an unclothed woman performing cigar tricks, probably on the same couch. Forget about all the pictures of our past President with his shoes propped up on the presidential desk, with which I take not an iota of offense; one of his few traits that I did not find offensive.
When Lindsey Graham prequalifies someone with the term “my dear friend,” run. He can also be the first bi-senator with a D and an R after his name, and we promise not to resuscitate his once promising legacy.
The Open Door Policy is not limited to borders, but obviously extends to bathrooms. Why even have locks? Why not pass a bill for a lockless society? Think about how many innocent felons could be released early, since their charges would be reduced to just entering. Why even have bathrooms? Isn’t that discriminatory in itself, forcing citizens to have to hide what is a natural thing?
Hollywood: Your best actor award winner Casey Affleck has been accused of sexual harassment or worse multiple times. You have given a best director award to a man indicted for raping a 13-year-old. You supported a President accused of rape. You brought a convicted felon into this year’s Academy Awards as a prop, a man convicted of attempted rape, one who is on the sex offender registry, but who “found God” in prison. Ironically, I didn’t think you believed in God. Now you tell us that it is President Trump who doesn’t respect women? Just so you understand, honoring an indicted rapist and working with an indicted rapist, is “supporting rape.” Grab that thought for a nanosecond; wear some white for that.
It’s painful and frightening trying to get into the mind of a liberal. There are no rules, nor are there boundaries, and nothing is off limits. You are trying to regain power; we get it. But it’s like dogs running on linoleum; you are going nowhere fast. I, humbly, offer a few suggestions for how to win back votes and viewership in Middle America. For the State of the Union, all male Democrats should wear women’s clothing in solidarity, with not just women, but with the transgendered community. What’s gender anyway but a man-created word to force the women down, right? Hollywood, maybe next year you should give a Lifetime Achievement Award to Roman Polanski, and who better to present it, than Casey Affleck. Or, next year, you can also do a bit called “Reformed Predator on the Street.” Nothing draws more on the heart strings of Americans than a sexual predator being given a second chance.
Well, folks, this was my week in liberalism, and it might also be my last, as I desperately need a shower, in my genderless bathroom. Maybe I should just open my front door, and prance around au naturel. What are doors anyway, but a barrier between us? Why wear clothes? They are but a shackle of an oppressive society run by conglomerates, who just want to sell clothing. Why even pay rent, dammit, “one love”? Okay, I really need to shower in private now.