Talking to Myself During a Swim - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Talking to Myself During a Swim
Jason Finn/

Saturday — It’s a perfect day here in Beverly Hills. Blue skies. Light breeze. My pool is at 89 degrees. That’s the temperature I like. I learned that from Richard Nixon. He invited my father, mother, and me to Camp David in early 1972. The altitude keeps the area clear and dry, and a pool heated to about 89 in what was probably January — outdoors — under towering pines, was perfect.

I got into my pool at noon. Paradise. I thought to my old self, “Benjy, you are a lucky, blessed man. And here are a few of the ways I am blessed:

“I have the absolutely best wife on the planet. Beautiful. Kind. Forgiving. Great lawyer. ’Sho ’nuff big shot at Paramount and General Counsel of United Artists. Great, fabulously kind forgiving wife no matter how many girls I have bothering her to ‘borrow’ her astounding jewelry. To have the best wife on earth is not a small thing.

“I’m an American. Safe. Prosperous. Friendly people. Easy to get a nice house. Only a modest amount of racial violence.

“I have the two best cars on earth: an Audi S-8, a 1997 Caddy Supercharged V-8. So many houses I often lose track of how many homes I have. Yes, yes, yes, I cannot keep paying the upkeep on all of my houses forever. But then I won’t live forever. I just want my wife near me as much as possible. The cars and the houses are trinkets. My wife is the glittering sunshine of life.

“Yes, Biden is a creep and his son is an out and out thief. And the GOP has no plan at all to manage the country better than Biden does, but I have my wife and that counts more than anything else on earth.

“Thank you, God for my goddess wife. The Ultimate Weapon against evil. God bless her and keep her by my side through all eternity. Please also bless my wonderful parents, Mr. Nixon, my in-laws, Col. Dale Denman, Jr., Major Bob Denman, my best friend, Al Burton. And Aram Bakshian, the irreplaceable pal and genius through all eternity. Please bless him and keep him near me in the afterlife.

“Most of all, bless my wife, an actual saint.”

Ben Stein
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Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes “Ben Stein’s Diary” for every issue of The American Spectator.
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