Mr. President: The media is begging you, so please show your softer and gentler side. They are not used to getting honest answers to their dishonest leading questions. So, here is my humble cheat sheet of questions that you will often be asked, followed by the correct answers. This is intended to help David Muir and the rest of the media sleep at night, knowing that you are in the Oval Office, because it’s not you who is losing sleep over your new job. They are.
Question: How has this office changed you, Mr. President?
President: It’s humbling. I have a teddy bear. I’ve had it since I was a child. No matter where I’ve been, or where I’ve lived, David, Winston has always come with me. So, when I get done with meetings, and I’m all alone, I go to my bedroom and the first thing I see is Winston. I look at him, and he looks at me, and I reflect. Mind you, Winston and I have been together for a long time, David. He gets me, and I get him. I know that sounds crazy, David, but, in this crazy world, I pray that everyone has a Winston.
Question: I would imagine you named him after Winston Churchill. (I’m joking, that would never be the follow up).
Next Real Question: Are you still advocating torture?
President: Well, that brings up my pal Winston again. I was in summer camp, and Winston went missing. I would have done anything to get him back. Didn’t you ever have something that you loved that went missing or felt was threatened, Jake? Wouldn’t you do anything for your Winston? I have 350 million Winstons now in my life, Jake. I will do anything to protect them. I love them and you, as I love Winston.
Question: How did you find Winston? Did someone take him? (Of course not a real follow up).
Real Question: So you plan on leaving millions of uninsured people fending for themselves, dying on the streets?
President: Scott, this is Winston. Winston, say hi to Scott. Do you think, Scott, I would ever leave 350 million Winstons alone to fend for themselves? Winston wouldn’t like me very much, if I did that. He is pretty cute, isn’t he? Listen, Scott, I love all Americans, even the ones who didn’t vote for me, and I made a promise to Winston. (Pause)
Scott: People are frightened of you. I’m frightened of you and Winston.
President: We live in scary times, Scott. Give me a hug. I think all three of us need it. The public needs it, Scott. The public needs it.
Question: Why is size so important to you?
President: That’s what he said. (They both laugh — not. Only the president does.)
Question: You are constantly citing crowd size numbers. You did it while you were running for office, and you are still doing it. Doesn’t this show the American people that you are insecure?
President: Aren’t we all a little insecure? I’ve always loved numbers. When Don, Ivanka, Eric and Winston were children, we’d all watch Sesame Street and count along with the Count. Numbers are important; I know not at your network, Joe. I’m kidding. I love MSNBC. You guys are the greatest.
Question: What do you say to those, like me, who think you should stop tweeting?
President: This can be a lonely house, Wolf, with just Winston and me here. Tweeting allows me to converse with people and likewise. I know I can be an over-tweeter, that’s a cute word isn’t, it? Tweet, tweet, reminds me of my childhood parrot, Cane. God, they really don’t make movies like that anymore, Wolf, do they?
Wolf: Mr. President, you are a monster!
President: You just want a hug like I gave Scott. Come here, Chuck, Andrea, Martha; I’m reminded right now of that song, “What the world needs now is love sweet love; it’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” Come on, sing it with me. If you don’t, I’ll tickle you like I tickle Winston.
It’s all how you answer and the terminology you use with these schmucks. Remember, they are sensitive and have needs, too. From now on call “torture,” “tough love.” Call a “wall” a “protest fence.” Call “refugees,” “friends without benefits.” Finally, call “illegal aliens,” “people without receipts.” Don’t forget to smile, Mr. President, and give a reflective gaze. Remember, this has to change you; it must, it must, because it’s changed them.
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