Lying in State - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Lying in State

The OIG (short for oi gevalt) of the Department of State has issued a report to the effect that Hillary Clinton, like Cleopatra and others who surrounded themselves with snakes, has a big asp problem. What else is new?

The purpose of government reports is to restate — with excruciating detail, laborious argumentation, and ponderous verbiage — the obvious. Indeed the people whose job it is to read those things can be seen trudging listlessly around Washington, D.C., ennui blanching their features just as surely as dissipation plasters its Hefnerian devotees with a permanent leer. They have sold their souls to the bureaucracy and no amount of human interaction can restore the pep to their step. Yet they loyally read on, in thickness and in stealth.

The classic exemplar of this genre is the Surgeon General’s Report in the early 1960s about the pitfalls of smoking cigarettes. The premise of the investigation was simple. On the one hand, we had people ingesting the smoke of burning tobacco into their lungs and walking around with rancid, wheezing breath, rotting teeth, damaged vocal capacity, shriveled skin and about two minutes’ worth of physical stamina. On the other hand, we had handsome actors blowing smoke at beautiful actresses on movie screens in a very suave manner. This posed a vexing question: is smoking good for you? Americans waited eagerly for the Surgeon General to weigh in.

The conclusion was strikingly similar to the one your mother advocated on her kitchen soapbox, without the scientific method and the research fellowship. For once, the government did manage to see the forest fire for the trees. No question about it, no doubts at all, in the strongest possible terms, as a beacon of moral clarity, the report indicated in pages of turgid, blocky prose that cigarette smoking “may be hazardous to your health.” Bravo for that Surgeon General, whose name has been lost to history. What was his first clue? Who knew?

The only time the bureaucracy gets to sprinkle some spice on its work product is when it tracks an event of obvious criminality. These reports have no evidentiary value but they can target a miscreant and dip him or her into an acid bath of euphemism, circumlocution, and understatement. They cannot make him face the real music, but they can push their special brand of Muzak to a crescendo of innuendo. In many ways it is easier to hear a jury say “guilty” than to hear a Congressional Committee note a “pattern of negligent or willful deviation from departmental policy” or an FBI finding say there is “probable cause for multiple counts of potential malfeasance.” These reports are still redundant, but they bring tauter reasoning to their tautology and put the nasty into the pleonastic.

Which brings us back to the shocking news — extra, extra, read all about it! — about Hillary Clinton, unearthed by those swift sleuths, a mere quarter-century after The American Spectator told them where to look. Yep, the IG, leaving no stone unturned, discovered much that was IGnoble and IGnominious, including that Good Wife Hillary lies with her husband on a regular basis, though rarely in the same zip code. Not that this truth will bring much in the way of consequences. Hillary is one of those rare people who can lie in State for years, without ever scheduling the funeral. She has successfully merged the female factor with the malefactor. She is quite a career woman, careering and careening from scandal to scandal.

There is nothing new in the IG report, except perhaps to the IGnorant who can only accept truth through the clarions of officialdom. Well, then, it is official now: da Queen of da Niles speaks with forked tongue.

She broke the rules and she knew she was breaking them and she sent classified information on a private line and she employed subterfuge to deter detection and she muzzled her cronies and she stonewalled and she was hacked and she knew it and she didn’t care: these are a few of her favorite offenses. And she did all this after she had been lucky enough to receive a rehabilitative position by the good graces of the man who had beaten her for the Democrat nomination. For whatever reason that man, President Barack Obama, is choosing now to overlook her monkeyshines, at least in public, despite the fact that she betrayed him most of all by acting high-handedly with the trust he had placed in her.

We should cry about all this, but that becomes too painful after a while, so let us laugh instead. Yes, the IG was tardy to class, but at least he was not absent. What did the Inspector General know and when did he know it? The answer is: way too little way too late. Now he shows up to send Hillary to Secretarial school, long after she graduated from her lovely miss demeanor and felon hard times. She still wants her diploma, long after she failed at diplomacy.

I am left in the wake of these latest revelations channeling the late Ogden Nash:

How late
Of State
To Mentor
The Yenta.

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