If you live in D.C., you probably get the Washington Post, and let me tell you it’s been wild. The editors don’t send it out unless there’s at least a couple of page one stories on the general subject of Donald Trump’s awfulness. It creeps into the Style section, the book reviews, the weather reports. It’s like taking a shower in a sewer.
I used to wonder what the point was. I get it, they don’t like him. But after a while, say last January, it stopped being news. Old news by definition isn’t news. We all knew about the stories, and foolishly we blew them off. We didn’t care what Donald Trump said in 1988. We were mostly concerned about American decline, about policies that were hurting the middle class, about an immobile society where ordinary people lost the hope that their kids would have it better than they did. So he called some lady fat twenty years ago. Like we cared?
Well, now I know better! I know that what really matters is how nice and decent a candidate is, not what happens to the country when he’s elected. I also know that, when all the mud is tossed at one candidate, we’re not to ask if the other one is “likable enough,” as Obama put it.
And so I realized that pretty much everything I knew about history was wrong. I had thought communism a great evil, for example. Under Lenin, four million people were killed, and tens of million more under Stalin. Bummer, I agree, but let me tell you about Alexander Kerensky, who was Russia’s Prime Minister until the Soviets replaced him in the 1917 October Revolution that brought Lenin to power.
Under Kerensky, the Russian government would have been liberal and democratic, and the country would have been spared all of the horrors of communism. That’s all to the good, but did you know that Kerensky was a serial womanizer? Not only that, but he called Princess Olga Stuffedoxowich a “bloated hippopotamus.” And he never released his taxes. I ask you, you’d want a person like that as your leader? Shame on you!
Then there was Paul von Hindenburg, the German president who paved the way for Hitler by appointing him Chancellor in 1933, even though the Nazis lacked a majority in the Reichstag. Hindenburg wasn’t a Nazi and he despised Hitler, and as we all know what happened afterwards we might all be tempted to blame Hindenburg for giving the game way. But let me tell you about Hindenburg. I knew the guy and he was a slob! Totally embarrassing. I mean, you’d take him to lunch and he’d spill the soup all over himself. Then he’d pinch all the waitresses. One time they even made us leave. That was when the old fool got up on the table and sang “Old Man River.” Off-key, I might add.
I think that puts Soviet communism and the Nazis in perspective, don’t you? Then there was Mao and the Chinese communists. They might have killed almost 80 million people, but that pales into insignificance when one understands just how corrupt the Chinese nationalists and Chiang Kai-shek were. You wanted something done, you had to pony up to the Chiang Kai-shek Charitable Foundation. And don’t get me started on South Vietnam’s Madame Nhu.
Taking it a step further, let’s take a closer look at some of the political leaders who pass for heroes. All right, I’ll concede that without Winston Churchill we might all be speaking German, but do you realize how much of a boozehound the guy was? He’d wake up in the morning, probably hung over, and the first thing he’d do is have some champagne. I mean he was drunk throughout the entire Second World War. Booze, red meat, cigars, and he’s supposed to be some kind of a hero?
Or take Abraham Lincoln. Read the Second Inaugural again. Clearly a religious nut. Nobody much liked him, especially the people in his cabinet. And considering Ulysses Grant’s drinking habits, the guy should never have gotten where he did.
Think it all over, and I’m sure you’ll agree with the Washington Post that we’d do far better with Hillary Clinton. We might be audited by an IRS headed by Lois Lerner, FBI Director Sidney Blumenthal might be listening in to our phone calls, we might be at war with Russia and we might have abandoned our Republic in favor of monarchical rule, but it will be ruled by people with the high moral tone of the Clintons.