Good Ole Joe Celebrates Our Anti-Independence Day - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Good Ole Joe Celebrates Our Anti-Independence Day
Stratos Brilakis/

It’s almost Independence Day, and we finally have permission from Good Ole Joe to emerge from our basement bunkers for a small barbeque with our closest family and friends.

Now that the White House has praised the presence of people who hate our flag and country on America’s Olympic team, Joe and Jill would like our country’s birthday celebration to similarly recognize our nation’s many ills and crimes. In Joe’s anti-Independence Day, Americans will studiously follow lockdown rules and pandemic limits while simultaneously burning flags, knocking over statues of George Washington, and worshiping our new Chinese overlords.  

Biden has dangled this day of freedom before Americans for months, promising that we will be worthy of this most gracious gift if we fulfill our obligation to mask up, get our shots, and hide away in our homes.

Back in March, Biden told us, “If we do all this, if we do our part, if we do this together, by July the 4th, there’s a good chance you, your families, and friends will be able to get together in your backyard or in your neighborhood and have a cookout and a barbeque and celebrate Independence Day.” 

Again in April, Biden reiterated this lofty goal, promising us that we might just get to celebrate our independence. 

“To celebrate our independence from this virus on July 4th with family and friends in small groups,” Biden said on April 21, “we still have more to do in the months of May and June.”

“We all need to mask up until the number of cases goes down,” he said, “until everyone has a chance to get their shot.”

Fortunately for the Americans who still actually celebrate the Fourth of July, President Biden has assured us that inflation won’t affect their celebrations. As the White House recently boasted, this year’s Fourth of July shindig will set Americans back an average of $0.16 less than last year. 

The White House tweeted that the cost of a 4th of July barbeque is down.

What the White House did not mention, of course, is that the new inflation analysis probably assumes that Americans will be consuming tofu burgers and vegan entrees. Or that the price of gas to go purchase that 5 percent cheaper vanilla ice cream has increased 42 percent from last year. Small difference.

Biden’s warned us that we have to keep this celebration of freedom small. (“That doesn’t mean large events with lots of people together,” he clarified in March, “but it does mean small groups will be able to get together.”)

Of course, one gathering that can’t happen due to having too many participants is the July 4 reunion of all of Hunter Biden’s stripper ex-girlfriends and illegitimate children. Just too large a gathering.

Another event that would be too busy for a pandemic Fourth of July would be the premiere of an art gallery showcasing Hunter Biden’s latest work. Hunter could showcase delightful and sensitive watercolor paintings of former President George W. Bush displayed alongside candid black-and-white shots of Hunter in various states of undress smoking a variety of legal and illegal substances. Maybe William Jefferson Clinton would even host the splendid affair. 

Similarly, a small, intimate gathering of Mexican, Ukrainian, and Chinese billionaires who hired Hunter for the clear purpose of providing keen economic analysis would go just slightly beyond the limits of the recently loosened COVID restrictions. 

Unlike his son, Good Ole Joe has carefully planned to keep his Fourth of July at a small capacity limit. Joe will be up in Michigan today with his confidant Gretchen Whitmer scoping out the National Cherry Festival in Traverse City. One could imagine him asking, “Where’s my ice cream, Dr. Jill?” as he and Gretchen stroll down Main Street, before being gently reminded that she is not his wife. 

While Joe, Jill, and Gretchen fiddle with their masks during their social-distanced Fourth, freedom-loving Americans will be celebrating Independence Day with colossal cookouts with real beef hamburgers, fireworks, and no thought of COVID. Clueless ol’ Joe won’t even notice.

Ellie Gardey
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Ellie Gardey is reporter and assistant editor at The American Spectator. Follow her on Twitter @EllieGardey.
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