I have always hated the mullet. I have never had a mullet nor have I aspired to have one.

However, the recent move by Iran to ban the mullet hairstyle has caused powerful protective feelings to rise from within my soul.

I recall Nicholas Cage in the David Lynch film Wild at Heart wearing a bizarre jacket to which he is very much attached. At various points in the story, he is moved to speechify:

This is a snakeskin jacket. For me it is a symbol of my belief in individuality and personal freedom.

And then he beats up whoever made fun of it. So, too, the mullet.

I am ready to stand up for the mullet in the face of this outrageous blow against “individuality and personal freedom” set up by the petty tyrants in Persia. Don’t they know that the mullet can never be destroyed by LAW??? It can only be conquered by good taste and proper breeding.