Unity? Yes, We Will Give You Unity | The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Unity? Yes, We Will Give You Unity
Dov Fischer
by
Al Gore circa 2000 (Joseph Sohm/Shutterstock.com)

It is the clarion call, the siren call, from the Democrat-Media-Left Alliance: “Think of the good of the country. Now is a time for healing. Stop investigating ballot fraud. What we need now is unity.”

You want unity? That’s fair. We will give you unity:

1. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and deny the legitimacy of the 2020 election for the next four years.

2. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and investigate the Biden family’s every business dealing at home and abroad.

3. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and question Biden’s mental fitness to hold office.

4. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and question Biden’s physical fitness to hold office.

5. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and blame Biden for every person who dies from the coronavirus.

6. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and blame Biden personally for every Black person who is shot anywhere in America.

7. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and never stop publicizing that Biden has been accused of grabbing a woman’s crotch against her will.

8. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and emphasize that, any time a woman makes a claim of sexual harassment against Biden, she must be believed.

9. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and continue publicizing that Kamala Harris, like Evita Perón, slept her way into public life.

10. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and remind people that, no less than Stormy Daniels, Kamala Harris was a public figure’s mistress.

11. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and accuse Biden of treason for consorting with enemies like the wife of the Moscow mayor, who gave the Bidens $3.5 million, the Chinese who put the Bidens on their payroll, and the Ukrainians of Burisma.

12. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and investigate the contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, and if and when those photos can be released, they will be distributed to the tune of Maurice Chevalier’s “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.”

13. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and demand that Biden condemn racism, anti-Semitism, and misogyny every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month of every year.

14. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and remind the American public that, even with dead people casting votes for Biden — Democrats just dying to oust Trump — and with Republican poll watchers kept outside of range in the counting rooms of Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin; and with mail ballots without postmarks being accepted after election deadlines … Biden still did not receive 50 percent of the vote, so lacks the mandate that would have come from winning support from at least a majority of the living electorate.

15. In unity with you, and to advance the national healing, we humbly will acknowledge that Biden indeed won the coveted Obituary Vote, as Democrats, shrouded amid grave circumstances, emerged furtively from their plot to flock in from their cemeteries and mausolea to cast ballots for the candidate to whom they most related in style and substance — and the the one with the most skeletons in the closet. Biden knew how to urn every dead voter’s ballot by invoking the ultimate rule of social distancing: every extra needed Democrat vote must come from a distance of six feet … under. Perhaps on Memorial Day, Biden will lay a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Voter.

16. In unity with you, we will follow your example of the past four years and will work to disrupt and slow down every cabinet appointment and every nomination that requires Senate advice and consent. However, we will make one small exception and will not impeach. Just as Richard Nixon knew precisely what he was doing when he made Spiro Agnew his running mate (aka his life insurance policy), so did Biden by running with his.

Of course it is yet possible that all this unity may be premature if litigation and fact investigations now underway shift the preliminary numbers of Georgia, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Arizona back over to the Trump column, to the consternation and grief of the Libertarian Party and their anti-Trump allies Jake Tapper, Van Jones, Rachel Maddow, and Nicolle Wallace. Of course that also depends on whether North Carolina’s paralyzed 15 electoral votes ever will be conceded to Trump along with Alaska’s three electoral votes that seem frozen until the coveted Aleut and Yupik turnout are tallied once global warming de-ices their igloos and the Fox News Decision Desk feels it safely can make the Alaska call. With Republicans leading in Alaska by a 2-to-1 ratio, juneau how hard that one is to predict.

Al Gore fought and denied the 2000 results for more than a month and litigated all the way up to the United States Supreme Court. So in unity with you, we pledge to follow your example of litigating the results as far and as high as the courts permit. Unity is a good thing. It binds us as one American people, tied together in pursuit of a common cause, a shared purpose. We already are learning to think identically. We even have ordered our reams of paper to tear in halves at the next State of the Union address. The healing already has begun. We look forward to continuing this healing for the next four years — at least. How could we . . . Resist?

Dov Fischer
Dov Fischer
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Rabbi Dov Fischer, Esq., a high-stakes litigation attorney of more than twenty-five years and an adjunct professor of law of more than fifteen years, is rabbi of Young Israel of Orange County, California. His legal career has included serving as Chief Articles Editor of UCLA Law Review, clerking for the Hon. Danny J. Boggs in the United States Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit, and then litigating at three of America’s most prominent law firms: JonesDay, Akin Gump, and Baker & Hostetler. In his rabbinical career, Rabbi Fischer has served several terms on the Executive Committee of the Rabbinical Council of America, is Senior Rabbinic Fellow at the Coalition for Jewish Values, has been Vice President of Zionist Organization of America, and has served on regional boards of the American Jewish Committee, B’nai Brith Hillel, and several others. His writings on contemporary political issues have appeared over the years in the Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, the Jerusalem Post, National Review, American Greatness, The Weekly Standard, and in Jewish media in American and in Israel. A winner of an American Jurisprudence Award in Professional Legal Ethics, Rabbi Fischer also is the author of two books, including General Sharon’s War Against Time Magazine, which covered the Israeli General’s 1980s landmark libel suit.
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