Cold Weather Comfort - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Cold Weather Comfort

The weather on the East Coast may come as a surprise to some people you know, so accustomed are they to hearing doomsday pronouncements by climate apocalypse head cases and the pols who amplify their psychoneuroses for the purpose of increasing federal control over everything.

Tell them it is the ordinary and providential and seasonal way for the region you live in to reassert the Earth’s own ancient natural wisdom, and remind them that the sky does not lie and the sun will also rise tomorrow.

If they are still shivering (from the brain down), do not lose your temper, but suggest they try Roger’s Own Remedy for cold weather.

It is always best to show, not tell, so do it and suggest they watch.

  1. Get naked and take a hot shower, then let it run cold for between 3.5 and 7 minutes;
  2. Turn off faucets, towel dry, exit shower stall or bathroom, turn off light if on, find a space to do three sets of pushups, quantity to taste but minimum 15 per set recommended; same exercise with sit-ups, and then do some ordinary stretches;
  3. In kitchen, chop up some garlic and ginger;
  4. Add some other ingredients within reach, e.g. raw honey, black pepper, hot pepper, cinnamon;
  5. Place a kettle of water on source of heat such as stovetop, but do not turn on heat;
  6. Dress in a lightweight normal — cotton, not microfiber — tennis or gym outfit, sneakers;
  7. Go outside, run in any direction for 20 to 40 minutes or until arrested; return inside after polite explanations with solicitous cops or guardsmen;
  8. Turn heat on under kettle, pour boiling water in cup;
  9. Add ginger, garlic, honey, and other ingredients to taste;
  10. Take off outfit and change into red union suit, silk socks under tight-weave wool socks, cotton turtleneck long-sleeve jersey, light wool crew-neck sweater, cowboy woolen vest with side pockets containing tobacco, cigarette paper, Swiss Army knife, pack of cards, small notebook, pencil, small-size tiny-print bible (Art Scroll, KJV, standard revised, or other normal edition), blue jeans or gabardine trousers, normal headwear;
  11. Drink the still-warm toddy, adding optional teaspoon of rum or bourbon at will, or tablespoon, or half-cup;
  12. Find comfortable seat, imbibe several sips, find The American Spectator, read a few pages by Scott McKay or Daniel J. Flynn or Dov Fischer to get blood going in case it is not already, then turn to the Christmas Eve scene in Portrait of the Artist;
  13. Make another toddy, increase the part of optional at will;
  14. Return to seat, reopen The American Spectator, read a few pages by Shmuel Klatzkin to calm down;
  15. Sip the toddy, read scene in True Grit where Maggie is ice-cold on Blackie, then the scene where Rooster takes rein in teeth and charges outlaws, then the last page;
  16. Give God a few cheers for protecting orphans, idiots, and the United States of America.
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