The CIA has become CONTROL. But only the Chinese are laughing over at the Ministry of State Security. Would you believe the Russian Intelligence Service? How about the Iranian Ministry of Intelligence? Actually, everyone is scoffing at the vomitively woke CIA recruitment video that just came to light. It seems more like a Mel Brooks parody than Get Smart, the brilliant classic spy-spoof sitcom he created 56 years ago with the late, great Buck Henry. Except the show’s buffoonish secret agent, Maxwell Smart (the unforgettable Don Adams) acted more competent than the leftist fools who put out the video and are unfortunately running the agency — into the ground. The CIA may be as inept as Smart’s employer, CONTROL, but our enemies are a lot sharper than his foe, KAOS.
The recruitment video has to be seen to be believed. A description can’t do it justice, but here goes: It opens with a clear shot of a CIA building in Langley, Virginia, which may appear inadvisable from the jump. As cheesy piano music plays, a plump, unattractive Hispanic woman with earrings the size of arm bracelets approaches the entrance. Well, maybe the agency isn’t recruiting Bond Girls anymore, but even Valerie Plame was portrayed by Naomi Watts (Fair Game, 2010).
Then the woman’s voice starts spouting academic tripe in an abrasive tone. “When I was 17, I quoted Zora Neale Hurston’s ‘How It Feels To Be Colored Me’ in my college application essay. The line that spoke to me stated simply, ‘I am not tragically colored. There is no sorrow dammed up in my soul nor lurking behind my eyes.’ … Now nothing about me was or is tragic. I am perfectly made.” While such pointless racial drivel may fling open PC university doors, it won’t expose the Russian mole in Section 2.
The woman’s narration continues, “I can wax eloquent on complex legal issues in English, while also belting ‘Guayaquil de Mis Amores’ in Spanish.” Perhaps she should first conclude the complex legal argument before breaking into song. “I can change a diaper with one hand and console a crying toddler with the other.” It’s unclear which of these various skills can best anticipate the North Korean missile attack on Seoul.
“I am a woman of color,” the subject declares. “I am a mom. I am a cisgender millennial who’s been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I am intersectional. But my existence is not a box-checking exercise. I am a walking declaration. A woman whose inflection does not rise at the end of her sentences, suggesting that a question has been asked.” This whole portion is either total progressive garbage or some ingenious code language. Either way, it could replace CIA waterboarding in getting al-Qaeda prisoners to talk.
“I did not sneak into CIA,” she asserts. “My employment was not and is not the result of a fluke or a slip through the cracks.” This we can instantly believe since she is shown standing next to John Brennan, the most disastrous CIA director of all time, although Biden still has the opportunity to appoint someone worse. “I used to struggle with Impostor Syndrome,” she confesses. “But at 36, I refuse to internalize misguided patriarchal ideas of what a woman can or should be.” Chinese Intelligence had a pretty good patriarchal idea of what a woman should be when they planted their comely agent Fang Fang in a honey trap for Democratic Rep. Eric Swalwell.
The next section of the narrator’s self-promotion sounds like a nonsensical “Daily Affirmation” from Stuart Smalley, the old Saturday Night Live character played by Al Franken before the latter became another disgraced Democratic politician with a patriarchal idea of what a woman should be. “I am tired of feeling like I’m supposed to apologize for the space I occupy rather than intoxicate people with my effort, my brilliance. I am proud of me.” She might as well have said, as Smalley did, “Because I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me,” for all the relevance this has to the CIA mission of national security.
Finally, she ends the quasi-psychiatric session. “I stand here today a proud first-generation Latina and officer at CIA. I am unapologetically me. I want you to be unapologetically you, whoever you are. Know your worth. Command your space. Mi hija, you’re worth it.” And doubtless so is all the top-secret information that will be funneled to the Kremlin with intersectional fools like this woman recruiting new people for the CIA.
Come to think of it, why are we seeing a Central Intelligence Agency recruitment video in the first place? Before Obama and Brennan, the institution was as secretive about its recruitment as its activity. I know this because I once applied there and, thanks to the involvement of a then-agent, got an interview at Langley.
It was the early ’80s, the height of the Cold War. Having lost my homeland to that war, I thought I could do my part to win it. I was met in the lobby by a young officer, who showed me the confidential Wall of Heroes containing the names of CIA stars who died in the line of duty. “Some of those names might surprise you,” he said. I met with the recruiter in his office. He was interested in my Cuban background and Spanish proficiency, not to find out if I was a proud Latino or could croon “Guantanamera” in Spanish, but to determine if I could blend in with Castroists on foreign soil. I believed I could. I was young, foolish, and game, and besides, Ronald Reagan was president and I trusted him to get me home if I messed up.
I didn’t get the job. And now I feel sorry for anyone who does, judging by this new recruitment video. The iconic espionage novelist John Le Carré (The Spy Who Came in from the Cold; Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy) called British Intelligence the Circus. He may have foreseen today’s CIA with its preponderance of clowns. But, unlike Maxwell Smart, they’re not funny, except to our enemies.