Pop star and Disney Channel alumna Ariana Grande, was born in Boca Raton, Florida — not, apparently, a deserted island where she was raised by wolves.
You would, however, not have guessed at her civilized origins (or, I guess, as civilized as Florida gets), based on the video TMZ released this week, showing Ariana Grande wandering around in a donut shop, sucking face with one of her backup dancers, and making off-hand political remarks about the nation that provides her with the kind of wealth she needs to, say, order people to carry her around like a she’s a giant, sleepy baby, when she no longer feels she is able to walk.
Ariana Grande has a problem: TMZ obtained surveillance footage of the pop singer getting a little touchy-feely with her new boyfriend in a Lake Elsinore, Calif., donut shop. Their tongue action eventually involved daring each other to lick powdered donuts on the counter while staff weren’t looking.
And when showed some kind of donut that was foreign to the singer, she said, “What the f**k is that? I hate America. I hate Americans.”
Apparently, Ariana Grande has apologized, but only because she thought that she was “fat-shaming” Americans, and while lacking patriotism is only likely to make her less popular among people who buy her music, calling people fat is likely to get her dragged over the Internet coals. Because that is the world we live in.
Now, to be honest, I could care less what Ariana Grande thinks of America, because her view of delicate, handmade American pastries and the culture that inspired them is closely aligned with my feelings regarding her terrible music. But I do care that she is clearly the worst, most disgusting human being alive. Even I have been, shall we say, slightly inebriated, in my share of all-night donut shops, but I can honestly say that I have never considered licking the powdered sugared donuts off that other people are going to eat. Just the thought of those poor people who eventually ate those donuts (assuming they weren’t creepy DNA seekers who were happy to see their donut soiled by a pop star), makes me throw up in my mouth just a little. I can think of literally nothing more disgusting than licking a display donut and putting it back.
Seriously, Ariana Grande is clearly history’s greatest monster.
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