I have only one hope for the Inauguration, and that hope and prayer is for just one more hack. For the record, I’m against hacking. The thought of my iTunes playlist being released to the public is frightening. Yes, I know this is an incredibly serious issue, pardon me, Chelsea Manning. I guess we should all be grateful that Charles Manson didn’t get a sex change and was white, at least I think he’s white. I digress, so back to my one last hack. Hopefully, you hackers are reading. I beg of you, for the twenty or so minutes of the President’s speech, could you please take over CNN’s closed captioning?
How great would it be, if, while the President was speaking, we could read what liberals are hearing? Now, I know, that really doesn’t make much sense, but it is my fantasy, not yours. I also know that not all the anchors I’m about to mention all work for CNN. Just like, every time you use a tissue, it isn’t a Kleenex. Let’s just, for the sake of this article, assume CNN is Kleenex, and all reporters and anchors are tissues.
What is said by the President and what is being heard and transcribed:
President Donald J. Trump: My fellow Americans.
Wolf Blitzer: My fellow white nationalist, uneducated, white, and I mean very white men, and the women who have been abused by these white men.
President Donald J. Trump: This is a great honor and privilege, and I am truly humbled.
Martha Raddatz: He’s going to get us all killed, this lunatic. How is this happening? Did I actually cry on election night? It was a long night. My voice was cracking, and I normally do have a low voice. Humbled, my ass! Privileged, don’t get me started! Gratefully, no one knows what I’m thinking about, with my incredibly professional somber look.
President Donald J. Trump: It’s time to unify this great nation and once again make it great.
Van Jones: He just called for the return of the Klan. Did you guys hear that? He actually said we should return back to the days of segregation. Who’s that Uncle Tom who agreed to sing at the inauguration?
President Donald J. Trump: We are going to bring jobs back to the inner city and get all Americans working again.
Van Jones: He just called for the return of slavery, and he is going to be the plantation owner.
President Donald J. Trump: To the citizens of Chicago, and all the slaughter zones across the United States, where people’s lives have been systematically destroyed, I say: “NO MORE.” I am your voice.
Pundit John Lewis: (since he’s not at the inauguration, where else would he be?): Did he just say the inner cities aren’t safe? If we say they are safe, they are safe.
President Donald J. Trump: We need to heal as a nation, and the healing has to start with me. And, I’d like to take this moment to apologize to any American whom I might have slighted or offended.
Rachel Maddow: Did he just say he wants to grab a woman by the p……, and that women who want abortions should be forced into labor camps?
Chris Matthews: I’m not tingling; I’m shivering but no tingles.
Joe Scarborough: He sounds good. He sounds bad. I’m middle of the road. I want everyone to like me, especially Mika. Why doesn’t anyone watch us? I used to be a congressman. I’m Morning Joe. Dammit!
President Donald J. Trump: I want to thank President Obama for his service.
Van Jones: He just called Obama a n……
President Donald J. Trump: We are going to build that wall! Who’s going pay for it? [Millions in the crowds and at home scream: Mexico.]
Jorge Ramos: [Crying]’
President Donald J. Trump: I want to thank all who voted for me and embrace those who didn’t. I promise to protect all Americans, no matter their race, creed, color, religion, or gender.
Christiane Amanpour: He just called for all American Muslims to be killed.
Van Jones: He just called for the deportation of all black people back to Africa.
Kathy Griffin: He just called for the imprisonment of all gay people. I would have no career.
Celebrity panelists: Nazi! Homophobic! Transphobic! Racist!
Don Lemon: It was a late night. Did I miss the whole speech?
Applause: The President is shaking hands, waving at the crowd, hugging his family.
CNN: This man will never be president!
As I said: “a fantasy hack” but what I truly believe people will hear. For all you Republicans in the House and Senate, this is your “come to” Trump moment. No matter what you pass, and sometimes fail, this is always what “they” will hear. You could cure cancer, and they would accuse you of causing the cancer in order to cure it for profitability. You could clean Flint’s water supply, and they would accuse you of poisoning it. The president has laid out the template of how to beat the media. Follow his lead. The only people who matter are the citizens of this great nation. The media might have forgotten that, and hopefully you haven’t. No more hacking from this day forward, and despite the rumors, I am not going on tour with Air Supply.