So how’s your week going? Specifically, what’d you think of those elections Tuesday night? Pretty big stuff, right?
Yeah. We get it. And you’re right — that’s a pretty nasty bruise.
Actually, we wanted to talk to you about that. No, we understand — the concussion protocol has to be followed, and it’s clear you’re not in much of a state for introspection right now, but we can accommodate you. How about you just let us do the talking for a little while and you can just listen?
No, no. This time it’s talking-talking. We promise. Tuesday night was Tuesday night. This is different. Now that we got your attention, hopefully.
The thing is, that old saw about hubris and nemesis? It’s a real thing. By now we’d kinda thought you would understand that. After all, we’ve been through this before, haven’t we? Remember 1993 and 1994? You actually handled that reasonably well, other than that business with President Rapey McRaperson and his limited modified hangout with that intern. But then we had 2009 and 2010, and it seemed like you got worse.
And now we’re doing it again. Frankly, it’s a little disappointing. Are you slow learners, or what?
So maybe we should remember how we got here. Let’s go back about two years. Remember that point? You had a president who had really gotten you into a state. Mean tweets and middle fingers. We know. We might have thought it was a little much, too, other than he did seem to have a decent handle on the job. But to be fair, you didn’t handle him too well. You sent a crazy lady with a pretty weak story to smear his Supreme Court appointee, and while that failed it didn’t stop you from making Nancy Pelosi the Speaker of the House.
Good for you, we guess. But the next thing we knew Pelosi was impeaching the president, and we’re still not quite sure why. He wanted to get some help with a corruption investigation or something, and that was a bad thing … anyway, it didn’t work, and most of us were pretty happy about that.
But then came the virus. And yeah, we got pretty spooked about that. After all, your buddies in Hollywood have been plying us with movies and TV shows about the Zombie Apocalypse and scary pandemics practically forever, and we’re pretty much primed for The Big One. So when this thing came out of that Chinese bioweapons lab…
No, we don’t want to talk to Dr. Fauci. He’s gotten boring, and we notice that most of what he says ends up not being true. Tell him he can wait.
And no, that doesn’t mean we hate science. Actually, in a minute we’re going to have a conversation about that as well.
Anyway, as we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted, this Wuhan Flu, or COVID-19, or whatever you want to call it, scared the hell out of us. A lot of us thought it was a bioweapon, and frankly a lot of us still do. That president you hate banned travel from China, which we thought was pretty prudent even though you said he was racist for doing it. That’s something else we want to talk about later. But then you guys started acting like the virus was his fault some kind of way, like he wasn’t doing anything to fight it.
It was pretty clear he was grasping for solutions to this thing when it hit, and that’s when he agreed with your “experts” that what we really needed was to shut everything down and try to wait the virus out. If people weren’t out and about maybe they wouldn’t spread it. Two weeks to stop the spread, right?
That was your experts’ advice. And that president you hated followed it. And boy, did your governors and mayors follow it.
We haven’t really talked about this, but the way that whole lockdown thing worked out almost looks like it was opportunism on your part. A little suspicious. After all, those lockdowns crashed what had been a pretty good economy. They blew up what had been a fairly happy national morale. And they drove in a lot of uncertainty about that president you hated right when he was up for re-election.
Not to mention the fact that once you had the country locked down over the WuFlu, all of a sudden all the election rules changed — on account of the emergency. And those new rules sure did help you guys out, didn’t they? Things got weird.
After all, you nominated this guy Biden to run against that president you hated. But let’s face it, “run” is a pretty charitable term, right? We haven’t seen anybody “run” for president like that in all of our lives. He’s in his basement phoning in TV interviews, half the time he’s knocking off for the day right after breakfast, when he bothers to give a speech the crowds look like the final episodes of The Squid Game and they’re all sitting in spray-painted circles on a lawn somewhere…we’ve got to tell you, that was a bit surreal.
What else was strange was that in between making up a whole new language on the campaign trail and walking around like he had poopy pants, Biden magically managed to build up these 15-point polling leads on that president you hated, according to those news-media people who hang out with you guys all the time. We’d already seen that movie before, and we noticed it this time. We all said to ourselves, “Boy, they sure do say a lot of fishy things, don’t they?”
Then we find out — or at least some of us do — that this Biden has a son who’s a crackhead and who had a laptop with all kinds of bad stuff on it. Like massive corruption involving the son and this guy Biden, who’s apparently a big guy, and the Chinese and Ukrainians and all kinds of other people. But as soon as that story popped it seemed like it immediately went away. We couldn’t find it on Facebook or Twitter, and all anybody else would say was that it was “Russian disinformation.”
So Election Night comes, and that president you hated won. At least, that’s what it looked like. But you said no, he didn’t, just wait. And those news media guys who hang out with you agreed.
And when we all knocked off and went to sleep, we then woke up to find that this guy Biden was ahead in a whole bunch of states he was behind in before. We’d never seen that ever, really, and we looked at each other and wondered “what in the hell is going on?”
But you assured us that everything was legit, and your news media buddies agreed, so we shrugged it off and hoped for the best. But some of us weren’t quite so accepting, and they did what you had your buddies in all the big cities around the country do last summer — they protested.
Mostly peacefully. That’s how the saying goes, right?
Anyway, the folks last summer burned cars and looted stores and even declared an independent little gang dictatorship in one of the cities you control, and you were pretty cool with that even though we asked you to do something about it. But when some of us got a little out of hand in Washington, you went nuts.
Look, most of us weren’t cool with a riot in the U.S. Capitol. But honestly? Burying people under the jail for trespassing is a little extreme. It doesn’t sit well. And no, these guys weren’t trying to start a revolution. For one thing, none of them brought a gun. And for another, you’re all big fans of that old guy with the wild hair who sounds so much like Larry David he even plays him on Saturday Night Live once in a while — other than the fact you keep screwing him out of your nomination — and he’s been talking about a revolution for years. His supporters actually do bring guns and shoot congressmen and we’re told it’s all under control, but when a couple of the characters from Jan. 6 brought Trump flags and wore Indian headdresses you acted like it was the Harper’s Ferry raid.
Razor wire? Honestly.
We started realizing a pattern, which is that we’re being gaslit. Like, a lot. You tell us things we know aren’t true, and then when we call you on them you start throwing out insults. Some of them we’ve never even heard of before. A transphobe? Huh? We remember a Trans Am, but that wasn’t much of an insult.
And the racist thing. That one confuses us. We thought we’d pretty much taken care of the race thing. We thought we’d all agreed that yeah, let’s have a colorblind society. Let’s do content of our character. That’s why we all agreed Michael Jordan was the all-time baller. That yeah, Richard Pryor was a little funnier than George Carlin. And that we’d rather give Barack Obama a chance than suffer through four years of John McCain or even Mitt Romney. But instead of getting credit for that, all of a sudden we had to agree that America was “systemically racist.”
Say what? It’s easier for black girls to get into college than white boys and this is a racist country? Since when did all that happen?
That one’s tough enough to swallow, but when your guy Biden botched the Afghanistan pullout while telling us that everything was going according to plan, and when he shut down a chunk of our oil and gas business and put tens of thousands of us out of work and then went begging to OPEC for more oil when it started running short, and when you told us inflation was “transitory” while the prices skyrocketed and the supply chain ran dry, which you knew was happening while your obnoxiously gay Transportation Secretary went on secret maternity leave (he’s a dude, what’s up with that, anyway?), it didn’t work for us.
Seriously. The gaslighting. We hate it.
We tried to tell you politely. We told your pollsters “This sucks. Make it stop.” You didn’t listen. You kept on gaslighting.
So what else were we supposed to do? You ran one of Rapey McRaperson’s old crook cronies for governor of a state you own, and he went around trashing us as every name in the book, and it was predictable what happened.
Sure, you took a nasty shot to the head. But that’s what happens when you act like you’re smarter than us.
Or did what happened to Bill Kristol not register with you? Seriously. Have you seen him lately?
We keep telling you that Randi Weingarten isn’t an asset, and we keep telling you Planned Parenthood grosses us out. We’ve asked you to keep Black Lives Matter off our lawn, and that we’re pretty much done with this COVID thing, particularly since you really don’t manage it well. And you don’t listen.
So let’s be honest here. That bump on your head? There are a lot more where that came from. We’d like you to cut it out. Straighten up and fly right. And no, that doesn’t mean more cowbell.
Or more Eric Swalwell. We already told you no.
It’s really up to you. You pushed your luck and you’ve been told. Be nice, or you won’t like what’s coming.
But hey, we’re glad we had this talk. Get well soon, we guess.
The American people.