January. Donald Trump officially returns to the White House. The global left assures us that this will bring death, war, and destruction. Consequently, Trump begins signing peace agreements three at a time, as if doing so were a mere hobby. Several states experience floods caused by torrents of Democratic tears. The Davos Forum convenes and confirms the latest trend: nobody pays them the slightest attention. Meta announces the end of Facebook’s independent fact-checking, a system that has fueled the biggest wave of information manipulation in favor of Wokeism and progressivism. Generation Z begins massive protests over housing and job insecurity. The protests last about as long as a TikTok reel.
February. JD Vance visits Germany for the Security Conference and tells European leaders things they are not used to hearing: that “Daddy America” is very unhappy with their grades and that they might have to go to bed hungry. Half of Europe experiences floods from torrents of social-democratic tears. According to the year’s press summaries, there was international tension in February 2025, with youth demonstrations in Paris, New York, and Seoul over housing and similar issues. I asked ChatGPT why these young people were protesting. It told me it was because of climate change. ChatGPT is the most boomer thing you could ever meet. Clueless. Meanwhile, the AI “Ghibli filter,” which turns anyone’s photo into an anime-style idiot, becomes wildly popular.
Consequently, the global left organizes a humanitarian flotilla for Gaza to try to prevent the war’s end.
March. The United States launches a thousand attacks against the Houthis in Yemen after some misunderstandings about what they were doing with commercial ships in the Bab el-Mandeb Strait. The news doesn’t make headlines because it’s normal: hardly anyone under a hundred years old would be surprised by bombs in Yemen anymore. It doesn’t matter who drops them or why. The hostage exchange between Israel and Hamas begins, another Trump success. Consequently, the global left organizes a humanitarian flotilla for Gaza to try to prevent the war’s end. Israel demonstrates that the ship’s activities were anything but humanitarian; perhaps this is the only way the left is willing to contribute to alleviating the global birth-rate crisis. Spring arrives, and this handsome writer begins writing his columns in the sunshine, noticeably improving the humor and warmth of my articles.
April. The issue of EU tariffs puts us liberal-leaning conservatives at a crossroads: on one hand, we don’t believe in tariffs but rather in government staying out of the way; on the other, we secretly enjoy watching the idiots in Brussels grovel like rats before the same Trump they spent the entire election insulting.
May. Corruption cases in the Spanish government have become a hilarious international soap opera: bribes, cronyism, kickbacks, thousands of hours of recorded conversations, ministers choosing prostitutes from a catalog, and even the corrupt officials’ humanitarian side: after sleeping with them, they fell in love and helped them get public-sector jobs to keep them happy. Brilliant. Hunter Biden likes this. Celebrities went crazy buying Labubu dolls. Kids started throwing them away after ripping their heads off.
June. NATO agrees to raise defense spending to 5 percent of GDP. Trump smiles. Putin raises an eyebrow. Von der Leyen kisses her pony. Citizens start looking at NATO the way they look at the U.N.: expensive and useless. My only life goal at this point: go to the beach.
July. A massive earthquake hits Russia. Unfortunately, Putin survives. The space race reignites. International news becomes boring, and I isolate myself in a seaside country house for 15 days. When I return to the city, I cry uncontrollably like a child reluctant to go to kindergarten. The Kiss Cam is a stupid invention. Stupid inventions only lead to stupid news. A Coldplay concert provided the perfect setting for a non-kiss between a CEO and a female executive, sparking a catastrophe and giving us a million funny memes of her friend’s panicked face.
August. The press talks about extreme weather events. In other words, it’s summer, and it’s hot. Trump says renewable energy should be sent to hell. And Maduro starts looking like a renewable energy producer. Most politicians go on vacation: the air is much better. Trump brokered a peace agreement between two countries you didn’t even know existed to end a conflict you had never heard of: the Nagorno-Karabakh Peace Agreement.
September. The U.K., Canada, and other countries opposed to Trump’s peace efforts not only fail to help but also actively complicate things by formally recognizing the State of Palestine. I remain constantly amazed by the fascination of left-wing governments with terrorists. The murder of Charlie Kirk makes the far left’s reservoirs of hatred overflow from sewers worldwide. Fortunately, the canonization of Carlo Acutis suddenly reconciles us with the overdose of dispensable international information. The world remains the perennial stage for the struggle between good and evil.
October. Ceasefire agreement between Israel and Hamas. Total depression in the global far left. Melissa ceases to be a sexy name and becomes a terrible hurricane. Milei wins the legislative elections again in Argentina. Bad times for Che Guevara fans. Maduro starts dancing nervously at every rally, trying to shake off the fear he feels whenever Trump decides to blow up a ship full of drug traffickers.
November. Left-wing media outlets claim that Thanksgiving was the most politically charged holiday in history. I imagine their journalists visited every family dinner table in the country to reach such a fascinating conclusion. Summary: how to manufacture a non-existent debate by generating a non-existent debate. The U.N. climate change conference is held in Brazil amid immense indifference. During politicians’ speeches, even the water bottles fall asleep. Rosalía releases her album Lux, leaving everyone amazed.
December. Scientists publish a report stating that 2025 is one of the three warmest years on record. The next day, a cold wave with record lows hits Europe and the United States. The report freezes to death. Kast wins the elections in Chile. The right is regaining all governments as soon as citizens are allowed to vote: apparently, a decade spent brainwashing people with stupid “Wokeism” wasn’t the best electoral strategy for the left. I am so sorry that I think I might shed a tear. Oh, and Baby Jesus was born in Bethlehem. The left is upset about this, too. But we never actually asked them.
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