You don’t always give gifts to people you like. Quite often, you have to give gifts to people you don’t. Think of the IRS. And finding the perfect present for someone you actively dislike is no easy task. Even when they’re your friends, it’s hard to come up with so many gifts in such a short period of time.
As part of my charitable mission to make the world a better place through column writing, I have selflessly compiled this Christmas gift list for some of today’s most prominent personalities.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: The ideal gift for any postmodern feminist: a bunch of cats, hundreds of bottles of wine, and Prozac.
Ali Khamenei: A leg of Spanish Iberian ham, complete with its stand and special carving knife. A miracle cure for the mentally deranged. In Europe, Spanish Iberian ham has achieved more conversions than the great works of the Church Fathers.
Bad Bunny: A Mozart album. And another one by The Blues Brothers. A guy who claims to work in the music industry should at least once in his life have the chance to discover what music actually is.
Barack Obama: A return to the White House. As a decorator. (RELATED: The White House East Wing Renovations: Exorcizing the Daemons of Modernism)
Bernie Sanders: A clown to accompany him everywhere. Since he is an elderly gentleman who looks like an elderly gentleman, there are still people who listen to him as if he were about to say something serious. Placing a clown next to him will help ensure no one forgets that this is all just a comedy act.
Bill Gates: A minimalist, industrial-style trash can to install in his mansion, with a sign that reads: “Deposit your synthetic meat burger here.” (RELATED: Bill Gates Has Discovered Something More Profitable Than the Climate Apocalypse)
Demi Moore: Fifty leeches for her anti-aging treatments, infected with E. coli, which is ideal for a good detox.
Donald Trump: A roll of duct tape to cover his mouth whenever he feels tempted to take revenge on a man who has just been stabbed to death by his own son.
Elon Musk: A damn Tesla door handle. (I used one for the first time a few months ago and spent 20 minutes trying to open a taxi door.)
Emmanuel Macron: A couple of grandchildren. Not children, because it’s obvious that if he reproduces with Brigitte, the kids will be born already as grandchildren.
George Soros: Two hundred cheerful illegal immigrants, like the ones he promotes for the entire West, brought in from a charming African village whose beautiful local Islamic traditions include grilling Christians and Jews. Preferably armed with flashy swords for their peaceful tribal dances.
Hillary Clinton: Isn’t it about time she gave us something valuable? Her husband doesn’t count. We’re not Monica.
Itxu Díaz: He loves broccoli, wants broccoli, is fascinated by broccoli. So the best gift would be expensive Venezuelan rum and donations.
Joe Biden: A compass. And a set of rails with a moving platform so he can greet visitors while facing the right direction. (RELATED: Autopen Joe and the Gang That Couldn’t Spin Straight)
Kamala Harris: A big Democratic endorsement of her idea that she could run for president again. Nothing would make Republicans happier. (RELATED: Kamala Harris’s Sad Book Tour Will Now Be Longer Than Her Campaign)
Mahmoud Abbas: I hear he loves explosives, rockets, and bomb backpacks. Let’s grant his wish.
Mark Zuckerberg: An archive compiling all the nonsense he’s been spouting for years, prior to his recent strategic ideological repositioning. (RELATED: Should We Believe Facebook on Free Speech?)
Meryl Streep: A starring role in a big-budget silent film.
Nicolás Maduro: An all-expenses-paid trip to Guantánamo so he can show off his impressive dance moves in an orange jumpsuit. (RELATED: Maduro Is a Mustachioed Turkey With Bird Flu (and Deserves No Pardon)
Shakira: A good friend to tell her, “Girl, get a grip.”
Sydney Sweeney: A bra. And a romantic dinner with someone handsome, kind, elegant, romantic, intelligent, dreamy, and humble. In other words, me. (RELATED: The Incomprehensible Failure of My Attempts to Woo Sydney Sweeney)
Taylor Swift: A miracle: that God grants her in her brain what He granted her in her body.
Ted Sarandos: Suspension from work without pay, in defense of national security.
Ursula von der Leyen: A handful of pearls. I hear magpies love those.
Vladimir Putin: Xanax mixed with vodka.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy: A proper suit and men’s shoes.
Xi Jinping: We should also send him Bill Gates’s infected steaks. We still owe him one hell of a pandemic.
Zohran Mamdani: A statue of Christopher Columbus giving the finger, so he can keep it on his bedside table.
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