I wasn’t watching the Democratic debate last night because I value my sanity, and having a few living grandparents and grand-uncles, can actually be yelled at by old people at my convienience, rather than watch them yell at me about my life choices on a designated schedule. Plus, I like my liver, and in order to fully digest what happened on CNN’s stage, I would have had to damage almost fully.
I did flip back and forth a couple of times from the Ink Master finale, so I can fill you in on a few items you need to know about the Dem debate (other than this, which sums it up in less words than I’ll ever use):
1. Hillary Won By Not Losing – This sounds complicated, but it’s true – all Hillary needed to do was show up last night and do a good job getting her competitors to agree that she was right on a few key policy points, and she was home free, since it meant that she could fulfill the myriad duties of a mediocre Democratic Party nominee. On paper, that was exactly what she did, even though, during the debate, she appeared as evasive and staid as ever. There’s just nothing exciting about Hillary Clinton, except, perhaps the feeling you get taking bets on what she’s going to lie about next. Van Jones compared her to Beyonce, however, which is probably fairly insulting to Beyonce. On the downside, the only unexpected answer Hillary Clinton gave was how she planned to differentiate her Presidency from an “Obama third term.”
She said she would be different because she’s “a woman.” Has she seen those shots of him on a bike in Martha’s Vineyard? She might be surprised at how not at all novel her gender-based qualification really is.
2. Bernie Sanders Did Pretty Well for a Guy Who Looks Like He Should Be Angrily Stamping Your Property Tax Assessment – One difference between the Republican debate and the Democratic one is that the candidates on stage took care to avoid conflict between themselves. For instance, no one on stage even remembered that Lincoln Chafee was running for anything, let alone President of the United States, but not a single person mentioned it. Bernie went to the mat for Hillary’s emails, claiming to have difficulty understanding the public’s fascination with a basement server. In Bernie’s defense, he’s confused by technology in general, thanks to a couple of mind-altering experiences back in the 1960s.
Overall, aside from his answer on gun control – he doesn’t support it, and doesn’t care what you think – Bernie Sanders looked no different last night from how he normally looks – late for a plane and lacking ownership of an iron. If you’re into letting the reclusive dude who lives down the street, never mows his lawn and makes vaguely-menacing comments when you walk across his lawn dictate your live decisions, you’re set with Bernie Sanders. And many people think that way – Google searches spiked for Bernie during and after the debate.
3. Joe Biden Probably Won’t Jump in this Race – In order for Joe Biden to make a successful run for President, last night had to be a – pardon my French – massive clusterf**k. Joe Biden would then have been able to make a victorious appearance as the knight in a shining Corvette convertible, arriving just in time to give a giant, mildly-sexual side hug to a clamoring populace. Since no one really hit the skids last night – at least no one that matters – Joe Biden will have to make a comprehensive case for his inclusion. Since he’s not a woman, he doesn’t even have Hillary’s argument of diverse genetalia going for him. That said, he really didn’t have much of a choice of when to enter the race.
4. Martin O’Malley and Jim Webb Are The Second Tier, Sorry Guys – Martin O’Malley obviously blacked out for most of the time he spent in state and local government in Maryland, otherwise, he’d be less enthusiastic in making the claim that his Presidency would be his Maryland tenure writ large. I like Jim Webb, and it would be badass to have a President who has, in fact, killed someone, but they both can’t muster enough personality to make them hirable at the Home Depot, let alone as a Commander in Chief. In both cases, it’s kind of sad, in the sense that their campaigns were over before they began, and now they’re trapped, fighting for the second slot.
5. Anderson Cooper is a Goddam Silver Fox. End of story.
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That’s right, the Grinch (Joe Biden) is coming for your pocketbooks this Christmas season with record inflation. Just to recap, here is a list of items that have gone up during his reign.
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