Turkeygate? So says CNN’s Aaron Brown of Golfgate fame, which saw him stranded on celebrity links last February 1 while all his colleagues rushed to their anchor posts after the disintegration of the Columbia shuttle. So the White House — via the Media Research Center — is telling him to stuff it. Which he promptly did, via the person of Mike Allen, the totally uncool pool reporter who continues to pick away at the assignment of his life, by calling into question Baghdad Bush’s “credibility” for parading on Thanksgiving with a “decorative turkey” on the platter he was hoisting. Let’s face it — if the hero of Baghdad were all the things pack journalists are saying about him, one of them would have been displayed on the platter instead.
So far as we can tell, the president’s policy was consistent. He did not cut into the decorative turkey, just as he spared the life of “Stars” in the White House’s annual gobbler-pardoning ritual a few days before his Nixonian escape to Baghdad.
That’s assuming he really was in Baghdad and that his name really is George W., both of which are very big assumptions. At last report, it appears the plane said to have flown over wasn’t a 747 version of Air Force One, but a Gulfstream — precisely the sort of jet typically used by the Vice President’s Haliburton and energy commission cronies. So in this version, the President’s alleged trip was a diversion from a new Texas oil cartel effort to seize Iraqi oil fields.
Like petroleum, the plot thickens. A new round of investigatory reporting will examine the president’s alleged speech to the assembled troops — or who for all anyone knows were extras provided by the Republican National Committee. Everyone saw the Bush’s lips move — but was he lip-synching? And if so, whose remarks?
Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton will expect similar treatment. As the whole world doesn’t want to know, she was in Afghanistan about the time Bush allegedly crash landed in Baghdad. The next day she arrived in Saddamland to survey the damage. Her presence worked wonders. The day before, morale among U.S. troops was said to have sagged on word that their commander in chief had risked life and limb to come over, leaving them with no wish other than to return home to their families. But then one kvetch from Hillary and cheap shot at the administration left them more than elated to remain right where they were, as far away from stateside Senator Clinton as possible.
New Hampshire favorite and lovable slug Howard Dean will head the commission examining Bush’s whereabouts last November 26-8. Insiders contend Dean’s own view is that Bush flew to Saudi Arabia on those days, to give his Riyadh handlers a heads-up on the coming election of Dean to the American presidency. Bush was lucky to return in one piece. Dean now dominates the news. As our Prowler reported months ago and as Newsweek has just confirmed, Howie is far more adept at sealing his records than at sealing his mouth. ‘Tis a pity. How can you dislike a hardlining anti-Communist who insists on calling Russia the “Soviet Union.” Just so long as he doesn’t sign on to novelist Jimmy Billy Faulkner Carter’s call for a “final solution” in the Middle East. But knowing ol’ Howie he’ll do just that and say he did so because that’s what George Bush has done.
No one can write about Howie D. these days without using such words as “delusional,” “syndrome,” “epidemic,” and “derangement” or invoking images of jumping from bridges or sticking one’s feet in one’s mouth. Which is par for the course. Deano is Park Avenue privileged enough to afford all the psychiatric care he pretends to need. But what about the yoyos, say, who have given him a 30 point lead in New Hampshire. Are they just setting him up for a big fall, so that whoever finishes a “strong second” is declared de-facto winner? Are do they require some serious care, the likes of which this country has never felt called upon to offer?
But better to end on a happier note. We were thrilled to see the partial unveiling in the new Vanity Fair of the Joe Wilson’s in full trendy mode. True, celebrity Ambassador Joe Wilson had a bit of a hangdog look in that photo that had him hanging his head out the Jaguar family convertible like the family dog. Perhaps he knew all eyes were on the Mrs. sitting alongside, all silk scarves and come-hither dark shades and a deep worry on the discernible parts of her face that Karl Rove will recognize her. All along one could sense crafty Joe pondering his next move, whether the time was right to parlay his Middle East contacts into a special pictorial of his wife, Enemy of the Week Emerita Valerie Plame, in the next Eygptian or Jordanian edition of Playboy.