Puny Warriors - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Puny Warriors

It’s over. He’s over. All it took was one Democratic primary in the least ethnically diverse and most sparsely populated state this side of Lapland. The numbers said it all: Kerry 38%, Dean 26%, Clark, Edwards, Lieberman, tied at 12, 12, and 9 percent, respectively, Kucinich 1.000000%, Sharpton +0% — and, dead last and most least, G.W. Bush at a minus minus -00.0000000%.

For the first time in recorded history, the real loser in a Democratic primary was an incumbent president from the opposing party. It’s never happened before (though that the media didn’t convey). But such is Mr. Bush’s unpopularity wherever every vote is made to count. So at sea is he that he didn’t dare show up in New Hampshire until the day after the primary, hoping that his request for a recount might be heeded. His request was ignored.

Instead, the Democrats moved on to Greenville, South Carolina, where every single one of them soundly defeated Mr. Bush in the latest of their debates. So impressive were the Democratic men that Bush was not allowed to get a word in edgewise, or even to show his face on the stage. Again the verdict was unanimous. Dems have electability. He does not. He has loseability.

Less generous souls say Gore guy Howie Dean has it too. How unfair. Okay, so he gave his speech on N.H. primary night without the presence of his wife (now named Judith, not Dr. Judy) in any visible form. But who do you think sedated him ahead of time? So his campaign is broke, his workers unpaid, his top guy fired. But which president’s economic model do you think he was emulating in order to show it doesn’t work? So he’s hired the most expensive campaign manager money can buy. But you imagined Gore’s Neel came cheap? Next time, please do endeavor to retain controlling legal authority over your political smarts.

We marvel at John Edwards’ ability to live up to expectations. After winning Iowa (at least according to Bush hater Andy Sullivan), Edwards became the Baskin-Robbins of New Hampshire, cornering the market on all 31 flavors of the month. David Brooks kept tossing in sprinkles, whipped cream, and a cherry. But then the weather turned ultra-blue and no one was in the mood for ice-cream, not even when Edwards provided the hot fudge. Thus he ended up a conehead, out of the money, without delegates, a trial lawyer on the losing side, if anyone can imagine that. Now his only hope is that the Democratic ticket will have room for two Johns.

It’s a new role for John Kerry, to serve as both judge and jury. Everyone’s saying he’s the new Dole, as if Botox and Viagra were interchangeable. In 1996 Dole selected Jack Kemp as his temporary mate, which was fine with everyone from Liddy Dole to the neoconservative wing. But before Kerry can select Edwards (not a bald spot between them), he’ll first have to clear it with Lady Hillary, who is unlikely to cooperate. All pressure will be on her to grab the #2 spot for herself. Can you imagine, a Kerry-Hillary presidency? Who’d be the actual chief executive? Commander in chief? Head of the first family? That is, after we make appropriate allowances for Teresa Heinz’s leading role. If all goes well, this time we’ll get three for the price of one. It’ll be like a Roman triumvirate, with a little gender balance thrown in.

Overseas the BBC is no longer a WMD. Over here, James Brown is looking like Saddam’s hole-mate. Otherwise all is calm. Our versions of the BBC remain on the hunt for Bush and his resistance forces. Independent investigations are in order to determine if there was Intelligence life on the planet America during the Mars presidency. Chuck Hagel likes the idea. John McCain does too. Ditto Carl Levin. You know how it goes. And what’s John Kerry, the new leader of the free world, got to say about it? He detects a clear and immediate danger, in the form of Republican “attack dogs.” Who unleashed him? Well, time for an EOW rabies shot. Ouch, it’s hurting us a lot more than it’s hurting him.

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