There has been a lot of chatter about President Obama’s “apology tour” in Europe and then in Latin America, the latter being particularly distasteful given the assortment of neo-Marxists and dictators whom he had to endure.
I guess confession is good for the soul. I am still holding out for an apology from the Queen of England for the Irish Potato Famine. I think it would do Her Majesty good.
Yes, there are many things for which all Americans should show remorse. Here are a few of my priorities for some all-American groveling before the rest of the world.
Americans really need to show some abject sorrow and regret for hoola-hoops, Pet Rocks and Veg-a-matic commercials.
Every citizen of every city in the American League should rend their garments for the designated hitter rule. This will, of course, entail explaining the game of baseball to an international audience, which could present some problems, but the purging of our national soul on this most grievous of sins will be well worth the effort.
Every American — every single one of us — needs to prostrate him or herself in atonement for soap operas and televised bowling.
Red-blooded fishermen and women need to show some real remorse for televised bass fishing tournaments on Saturday morning TV. On second thought, maybe we all should just apologize for American television, period.
We all need to utter a heartfelt Mea Culpa for Oprah, Dr. Phil, and all purveyors of personal advice even if we never studied Latin in high school or were altar boys before Vatican II.
Hollywood should hang its head in shame, shame I say, every time they produce another sequel to one of their boorish, unimaginative, technology-dependent, shoot-’em-up, blow-’em-up, over-sexualized blockbusters. OK, OK. I will make an exception for the Jason Bourne movies.
The entire American political establishment should exclaim a great big “I AM SORRY” for the Internal Revenue Code, trial lawyers (until you need one), and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for frisking grandma at the airport.
By now you are probably getting the hang of this. There is so much out there for which we, the descendants of Pilgrims, huddled masses, pioneers and assorted immigrants and exiles from foreign shores should seek forgiveness. The President may have to schedule a worldwide tour to completely purge the American soul.
Maybe he will get off with just an Our Father, Hail Mary, and a Glory Be.
TAS readers are encouraged to send in their suggestions for the American Penitential Registry today! Let’s keep this going and support our President.
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