Henny-Penny Conquers CO2 - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Henny-Penny Conquers CO2

“I’ve just had a revelation,” she blurted excitedly over the phone. “It’s nearly midnight. Won’t it wait until morning?” I replied. “Not when the fate of the world hangs in the balance,” insisted Ms. Henny-Penny, founder and recording secretary of The Holy Order of The Sky is Falling. Thus, this conversation followed:

Us: Who revealed what to you (I said, sleepily)

Ms. H-P: It came to me in a dream. I’d been mulling over the good news that the Environmental Protection Agency had issued a decree that carbon dioxide is a danger to human health and that the EPA would issue regulations to require those who produce it to cut it way down. 

Us: So?

Ms. H-P: So, in the dream a voice asked me, “What is the biggest source of carbon dioxide?” I said, “Human beings. They inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.” “That’s right,” said the voice, “So, do something to capture that CO2 that is trapping heat and warming the globe to the point that everyone will fry.”

Us: How are you going to capture the CO2 that six billion inhabitants of the earth exhale?

Ms. H-P: Everyone will be required to wear a special mask with a tube attached to it, leading to a plastic bag on a belt. Every time a person exhales, he or she will be sending the CO2 down the tube into the bag.

Us: Then what?

Ms. H-P: The bag will be large enough to hold a day’s worth of CO2. Then, every other day, everyone will go to a CO2 Sequestration Station in their neighborhood to empty their bag into a large cylinder. When the cylinders are full they’ll be carted to huge underground caverns in New Mexico or Kentucky or someplace.

Us: Very practical, but don’t you think people will protest?

Ms. H-P: How can they? The EPA works for President Obama and if he says they can do it, they can do it.

Us: What about Congress?

Ms. H-P: They will be so busy trying to mollify the big factories, power plants and refineries in their districts over the new regulations that this will seem Heaven-sent to them. It will provide just the right solution to the big problem. It makes everyone share the, uh, temporary inconvenience. It’s very democratic, don’t you think?

Us: I think you’ve forgotten the 5.7 billion people who live outside the United States.

Ms.H-P: No I haven’t. The U.S. will set such a stunning example that the rest of the world will quickly want to adopt the plan.

Us: And what if some countries don’t?

Ms. H-P: We’ll have United Nations levy sanctions on any that balk. 

Us: You mean sanctions as effective as the ones the UN put on Iran and its nuclear weapons ambitions? Their value is zilch.

Ms. H-P: You’re changing the subject. I’m talking about meaningful sanctions that right thinking world citizens will agree to, folks such as those at the Copenhagen conference this week. 

Us: Those right-thinking folks are UN bureaucrats, European Socialists and some scientists who salivate over large grants. Beyond that crowd, what about the EPA and its CO2 police that will impose ruinous fines on factories and others it thinks aren’t following its rules?

Ms. H-P: That’s why we need the cap-and-trade bill passed by the Senate. Those that produce CO2 above the limit EPA sets can buy credits from those who are under the limit.

Us: And square in the middle are carbon-credit brokers, such as the company your Pontiff, Al Gore, has invested in.

Ms. H-P: He is just doing that as a public service. 

Us: Sure, and he continues to dish out falsehoods about the climate. In a TV interview with Andrea Mitchell he said the temperature of the earth “about two kilometers down” is “millions of degrees.” The sun’s temperature is about 6,000 degrees so how does your pontiff come up with such outrageous stuff?

Ms. H-P. He answers to a higher power.

Us: I see. So, to summarize, you persuade the EPA to require CO2 bags for everyone. What then happens to all the trees in America? Trees take in CO2 and emit oxygen. Have you figured out yet what all this reduction in CO2 is going to do about the wilting trees?

Ms. H-P. I must run. ‘Bye now. 

Peter Hannaford first met Henny-Penny not long after she told her friend Chicken Little that the sky was falling and that her observation would make her famous one day. 

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