Yuppies are the most intolerable genre of people next to liberals, but there’s a lot of overlap of habits and views. They share a condescending attitude and egos inflated by what appears to be air. The main difference between the two is simply that while genuine liberals will pass legislation to force you to adopt their pretentious, feel-good practices, yuppies will merely judge you if you do not. Yuppies are liberals in the making, too young to have real clout and too self-centered to realize that they’d better decide what’s best for you, too.
This being said, as much as I loathe being associated with them, yuppies have managed to improve aspects of society. I guess anyone would whose only concern was, “How can I make this experience as pleasant for me as possible?” So if you can suffer through or ignore their unfounded sense of superiority long enough, you might take enjoyment from the following yuppie things:
Specialty cocktails: Found in a chic bar, normally some sort of repurposed industrial space that retains just enough of its blue collar feel to remind you just how not blue collar you or the bar are. It will be loud and crowded, people will actually kiss each other on the cheeks when they meet and not think it’s weird and European, and they will all sit around talking intently about their jobs and never about sports. But! the drink menu is creative and delicious. Honey, herbs, flowers, fruit, and magic are added to make cocktails taste like they don’t contain any liquor at all, and each drink proclaims its individuality by being served in its own designated glass with pleasing garnishes. Note: If you’re an authentic yuppie, you’ll visit the bar for happy hour. If there’s one thing yuppies love more than paying needlessly high prices for normal things, it’s paying normal prices for things that claim they’re half-off.
Specialty coffees: I had a latte at a little yuppie coffee shop once, and now every other subsequent coffee will be judged in comparison to this one creamy, frothy, flavorful concoction with the leaf foam art on top. The ingredients were better (milk from a glass jar!) and the preparation was more deliberate. Five or six baristas spent many hours watching Fair Trade coffee drip at a painstakingly slow pace through recycled filters, just for me. Whenever I dream longingly of that particular latte though, I just remember its price, which was hard to swallow. I could have purchased an entire carton of milk for what it cost me to have them heat up and stir six ounces of it.
Farmers’ markets: Yuppies shouldn’t have a monopoly on this one, but we probably owe some thanks to them for the prominence of farmers’ markets in urban areas. I’d love to see a yuppie try to drive a tractor or harvest anything that didn’t come right off a fruit stand and into a plastic, or more likely paper, bag. Nevertheless, I am all for fresh, organic food, free of hormones and additives that make a single apple the equivalent of a three-course meal. Besides, the agrarian society is preferable to the world of Apple, is it not?
I admitted to my brother confidentially and with guilt one night at a trendy bar while I was sipping the best cocktail in the world that I actually enjoyed some yuppie contrivances. He shrugged and answered most wisely, “Yeah, it’s fine so long as you don’t have to talk to them.” This leads me to conclude: Take advantage of yuppie things, but limit yourself and know that it’s mostly ridiculous. It’s okay to support the cause if you’re doing it for the right reasons. Also keep in mind that yuppie habits are emasculating. I’d almost be willing to bet that nothing Hemingway ever drank had more than two ingredients.
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