Brandon Year Two (aka COVID Year 3) lived up to every cynic’s expectation. 2022 was a pointless prima donna of a year. An event in late May summed it up perfectly. At the Louvre Museum in Paris, a transgender “woman,” protesting government inaction on climate change, threw chocolate cake at the Mona Lisa. The painting, protected by bulletproof glass, was undamaged.
Just before New Year’s Eve, Old Joe Biden claimed his economic record was enviable. He said, “We’re ending 2021 with what one analyst described as the strongest first-year economic track record of any president in the last 50 years.” When conservatives demanded to know which “one analyst” Biden relied on, Barbra Streisand admitted it was her.
Bidenflation caused beer to become cheaper than gasoline, so Mothers Against Drunk Driving announced a new motto, “Drink, Don’t Drive.”
Having replaced Andrew “The Love Gov” Cuomo, Noo Yawk’s new governor, Kathy Hochul, declared that racism was a public health crisis in the Empire State while signing new legislation on hate crimes. Two days later, the state’s Department of Public Health issued a ban on white people getting oral antiviral pills to treat COVID.
It quickly became obvious that Veep Kammy Harris was vying to replace Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez (D-NY) for the title of dumbest Democrat. Harris said, “It is time for us to do what we have been doing, and that time is every day. Every day, it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us to slow this thing down.” If she meant the U.S. economy, thanks to Old Joe, it was already coming to a juddering halt.
North Korea claimed that Kim Jong-un’s daddy, Kim Jong-il, had invented the burrito. His invention didn’t catch on because a kimchi burrito isn’t very appetizing. Meanwhile, California residents were fleeing for free states at so great a rate that U-Haul ran out of rental trucks. In response to that report, California Gov. Gavin Nuisance proposed a new plan that would essentially double the state’s income tax.
The Transportation Security Administration, in a letter to a congressman, wrote that illegal immigrants can use arrest warrants or warrants for deportation as IDs to fly on U.S. airlines. As the long month finally ended, a study found that drinking red wine could prevent a COVID infection.
The Washington Football Team — previously named the “Redskins” — was renamed the “Commanders.” Its nickname is “the Commies” and its mascot is George Armstrong Custer.
During the Kung Flu Olympics, a lot of non-Chinese athletes were disqualified because of failing COVID tests or, in the case of Russia, drug use. The U.S. Men’s Curling Team was disqualified when routine medical tests found that they had traces of testosterone in their systems. The Babylon Bee reported that several new events were held, including the Uyghur luge, in which sliders rode a live Uyghur down an ice trail.
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, upset with Speaker Wile E. Pelosi’s Capitol Police Praetorian Guard, accused them of being Pelosi’s “gazpacho police spying on members of Congress.” Ms. Greene is not a descendant of Wernher von Braun.
A new study revealed that if women knew how many of life’s problems could be solved with duct tape, they’d give up on men entirely.
Canadian Pusillanimity Minister Justin Trudeau fled town when truckers — protesting his mask and vaccine mandates — took over the streets in Ottawa. New Zealand’s government, seeking to put down similar protests, engaged in excessively violent tactics by playing Barry Manilow songs at an exceptionally loud volume to get the protesters to disband.
Kalamity Kammy said, “We have the ability to see what can be, unburdened by what has been. And then to make the possible actually happen.” Unfortunately for her, John Kerry — Biden’s climate czar — is less prolix. He took the lead in the moronic statement of the year contest when, after Russia invaded Ukraine, he urged Putin to not let the war in Ukraine detract from its efforts to fight climate change.
A study of the effects of Seattle’s soda tax — meant to discourage the consumption of sugary beverages — found that it had caused a huge increase in beer consumption.
On the afternoon before Biden’s first State of the Union address, Wile E. Pelosi said he was unpopular, “Because for people to appreciate what the president has done, and working together with the Congress, they have to know what it is.” Of course. Americans are just too dumb to understand all the great things Biden has done for them.
“Nomophobia” — the fear of being without your mobile phone — was reportedly the No. 1 unusual fear among New Yorkers. “Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia” — the fear of long words — is second, but only among those who can’t pronounce it. On a similar note, scientists named the fossil remains of a vampire squid “Syllipsimopodi bideni.” They swore it was not their intent to mock Biden, having decided against the name “Syllipsimopodi letsgo brandoni.”
Trying to deal with Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, Biden sent Kalamity Kammy to a NATO meeting where she made more incomprehensible remarks. Meanwhile, the Babylon Bee reported that Ukrainian officials were working frantically to put paintings by Hunter Biden in a safe place.
A writer in the Atlantic wrote that a nuclear war would be terrible for Earth’s climate. Of more immediate concern, the manufacturer of Doritos announced that there would be five fewer chips in each bag because of Bidenflation.
The Babylon Bee reported that soon after he caught COVID, Obama was awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine. In a similar report, transgender Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine was named a woman of the year by USA Today. Not to be outdone, the Babylon Bee named Levine its man of the year, resulting in the Bee being immediately banned from Twitter.
After Tom Brady announced his retirement from football, a fan paid $518,000 for the football with which he threw his last touchdown pass. Shortly after the football was purchased, Brady announced that he was coming back for another season with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Biden complained that every time he lies down for a nap, White House staffers cover him with an American flag.
PETA scolded the NFL for naming an offense the “horse-collar tackle,” saying it demeans horses.
The city of Tampa, Florida, spent $350,000 on solar-powered lighting for a park that closes at dusk. The Babylon Bee reported that Pennsylvania State University transgender “woman” swimmer Lia Thomas, who won the NCAA women’s 500-meter swim, has performance-enhancing testicles.
Centenary University in Hackettstown, New Jersey, announced it was starting a program in which students could earn a master’s degree in “Happiness Studies.” The program’s faculty all commute from New York or Pennsylvania.
Kalamity Kammy said, “The significance of the passage of time, right? The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time … there is such great significance to the passage of time.”
On April 1, appropriately enough, Sarah Palin announced she was running for Congress. She hoped to be the Republican answer to Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez. Gasoline prices across the nation got so high that Chicago gang leaders said drive-by shootings would be discontinued until the price dropped to $3 per gallon.
During her confirmation hearing on her Supreme Court nomination, Biden nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson said she couldn’t define the term “woman” because she’s not a biologist. That is the first recorded instance of a liberal admitting that biology defines gender.
Scientists determined that mushrooms could talk to each other using electrical signals containing a vocabulary of at least 50 words. The scientists had apparently been eating some mushrooms while observing others. The Washington state Legislature passed a law requiring its state code to delete the word “marijuana” everywhere it appears and replace it with “cannabis” because, they decided, “marijuana” is a racist term.
Brazil’s government ordered 35,000 doses of Viagra for its army, which is either too little for its 334,000 troops or just enough for Brazil’s generals.
U.S. Capitol Police panicked when they saw an unknown aircraft flying close to the U.S. Capitol, so they evacuated the building. The aircraft veered away and delivered the Army’s Golden Knights parachute team, who jumped from it into the nearby stadium before a Washington Nationals baseball game.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Majorkas declared that our southern border was secure and in the next breath announced that DHS had created a new Ministry of Truth called the “Disinformation Governing Board.” The board is supposed to control online disinformation in the 2022 elections. (Disinformation is defined as anything Biden’s opponents say.)
The Disinformation Governing Board, (Ignorance is Strength!) which has undefined powers (Freedom is Slavery!), was under the direction of one Nina Jankowicz (War is Peace!). Singing her own words to the tune of Supercalifragilisitcexpialidocious, Jankowicz proclaimed herself the “Mary Poppins of disinformation.”
At that point, “Let’s Go Brandon” became entirely inadequate and most of us switched to the clearer and more direct, “F*** Joe Biden.”
Under Oregon’s new “Menstrual Dignity Act,” all public schools are required to have a supply of tampons in boys’ bathrooms with instructions on how to use them. Boys can be expected to observe menstrual dignity by walking around schools with tampons stuck in their nostrils and/or ears.
California Gov. Gavin Nuisance was bashed by progressives for being “transphobic” after he said that men can’t get pregnant. The Babylon Bee reported that the filming of a new James Bond movie was ruined because the new 007 is female. During the filming of a car chase, she stopped to ask for directions.
Yet another bunch of woke idiots (please pardon the redundancy), this one comprised of college professors, identified 960 places within our 62 national parks whose names, they insist, must be changed because they “promote white supremacy,” “racism,” “settler colonialism,” or “anti-Indigenous ideologies.” Their list of objectionable names includes “Yellowstone National Park” but does not include the “Donner Party Picnic Area.”
A Los Angeles couple reported that they’d been robbed of jewelry, including about $19,000 in luxury wristwatches, by four robbers who drove off in a Rolls-Royce. Meanwhile, at the Kiel Middle School in Wisconsin, three boys, each age 13, were charged with sexual harassment for using incorrect pronouns for a fellow student.
As befits a banana republic, El Salvador exports about 14 million tons of bananas annually. Its president, Nayib Bukele, spent most of the country’s foreign reserves to buy Bitcoin, a digital currency, and declared it the national currency. The value of Bitcoin promptly tanked. Bukele sought advice on how to get out of the mess he created from Joe Biden and Barbra Streisand. Gov. Nuisance, who has been a powerful force behind making California as financially successful as El Salvador, said he hopes Kalamity Kammy becomes our next president.
Georgia State University researchers used gene splicing to create aggressive hamsters. Biden immediately sent a company of them to Ukraine. After a California bishop barred Wile E. Pelosi from getting communion, the Babylon Bee reported that she began impeachment proceedings against the pope.
New York City put up posters in subway stations that told heroin users they shouldn’t be ashamed of drug use and to celebrate that they were using “safely.” As the month ended, Catholic exorcists complained they were overworked because there were too many possessed people.
Top Gun: Maverick, the first non-woke movie to come out of Hollywood in years, was so successful that Biden’s Disinformation Governing Board declared that it was banned because of its toxic masculinity. The film went on to earn over $1.5 billion at the box office.
A new study showed that women spend more time wondering what men were thinking than men actually spend thinking. A California court decided that bees — terrestrial invertebrate insects — should be legally declared to be fish for the purposes of the Endangered Species Act. Subsequently, a class action lawsuit was filed to protect RINO Republicans under the Endangered Species Act because they are also terrestrial invertebrates.
Dictionaries of American slang declared it improper usage to call coffee “a cup of Joe” out of respect for coffee.
Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) said that with gasoline prices so high, it’d be cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead of driving.
At Biden’s “Summit of the Americas,” the president of Chile’s chair was two away from an empty seat, so he complained that the United States wasn’t represented at the summit. The empty chair was occupied by John Kerry, Biden’s climate czar.
Nancy Crampton-Brophy, author of the book, “How to Murder Your Husband,” was convicted of second-degree murder for killing her husband. Ohio attorney Scott Blauvelt was indefinitely suspended from practicing law because he repeatedly drove naked and exposed himself to other drivers. The California Supreme Court subsequently invited Blauvelt to practice law in San Francisco.
Some engineers working for Google claimed their “LaMDA” computer (language model for dialogue application) was sentient. The computer hired a lawyer to prove it. Asked whether she would run for president again, Hillary Clinton said it was “out of the question.” Which, for Mizz Clinton, is tantamount to an announcement of her campaign.
As the first half of the year ended, Americans suddenly realized that kicking the faces of Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and the Indian gal on the butter package off their respective products didn’t solve all our country’s problems.
To celebrate the Fourth of July, liberals shouted “F*** the Fourth” and demanded the defunding of the police. After California Gov. Gavin Nuisance ran television ads in Florida that asked people to move to California, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis urged those who think moving to California is a good idea to do so, offering to pay their bus fare.
After a horrific mass shooting on July 4, Kalamity Kammy said, “We’ve got to take this stuff seriously, as seriously as you are because you have been forced to take this seriously.” She’s evidently as serious about seriousness as she is about climate change, which is supposedly causing the polar ice caps to melt, leading to flooding of coastal cities.
Someone reminded us that the danger of climate change causing the seas to rise is somewhat overstated given the fact that Plymouth Rock has remained at sea level since 1620.
Announcing his new pro-abortion executive order, Biden cited the example of a 10-year-old girl who, he said, was “forced to travel out of the state and go to Indiana to terminate the presidency and maybe save her life.” Terminating his presidency would save a lot of lives.
Rapper Snoop Dogg promoted a new brand of cannabis called “Sleepy Joe OG,” with a picture of the usually befuddled Biden on the label. The label also featured the slogan, “Where am I,” and the promise, “You won’t even remember what country you are in.” This coincided nicely with Biden’s trip to the Middle East. His first statement after coming down the steps from Air Force One was, “What am I doing now?”
Former UN ambassador and Trump national security adviser John Bolton, disagreeing with a CNN reporter that the Jan. 6 Capitol riot was an attempted coup, said, “As somebody who has helped plan coups d’état — not here, but other places — it takes a lot of work. And that’s not what he did.” Whether any coups Bolton planned had succeeded, he didn’t say.
Biden stopped his bike to talk to people and promptly fell off. If you want to locate the spot, Google Maps has labeled it “Brandon Falls.” Mr. Corey Johnson was arrested outside Patrick Space Force Base in Florida after attempting unauthorized entry. He said he had to warn the Space Force against the war between aliens and dragons. As the overly long month ended, the Air Force sponsored a family “diversity” event that featured drag queens.
Kentucky’s “Noah’s Ark” attraction sued its insurance company because of a disputed claim resulting from water damage. When Speaker Wile E. Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan was announced, the Chinese threatened to shoot down her airliner. After the visit, the Chinese retaliated by allowing her to return safely to the United States.
Étienne Klein, French physicist and director at France’s Alternative Energies and Atomic Energy Commission, published a picture of the star Proxima Centauri — the closest star to the sun — that was supposedly taken by James Webb space telescope. A few days later, he admitted that it wasn’t a picture of the star but a photo of a thin slice of chorizo.
The Scots have reportedly cut down over 14 million trees since 2000 to make way for wind farms, which, to their surprise, cannot perform photosynthesis. A group calling itself “Citizens for Sanity” launched ads that proclaim ideas such as “protect pregnant men from climate discrimination.” Both Cutie-Cortez and Kalamity Kammy promptly endorsed that ad.
Ozzy Osbourne, on an acid trip, spoke to a horse for more than an hour. The bored horse reportedly walked away.
A U.K. Labour Party member of Parliament by the name of Lucy Powell tweeted a photo of her wearing a T-shirt that read, “Never Kissed a Tory.” A Tory government official, uncoincidentally named James Cleverly, tweeted his answer writing, “Keep asking nicely, I’m sure one will say yes eventually.”
California Gov. Gavin Nuisance signed a law prohibiting residents from buying gasoline-powered cars and a few days later begged residents to refrain from charging electric cars because of a heat wave that caused power outages.
Saudi Arabia announced that it would spend $1 trillion of our oil dollars to make itself into a tourist destination. There may be a few problems with the plan to attract tourists, such as temperatures around 120 degrees Fahrenheit, strict dress codes for women (even on beaches), a ban on alcohol, and occasional showers of Houthi missiles from Yemen.
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis sent 50 illegal aliens to Martha’s Vineyard, probably the most liberal and hoity-toity place in the country. The Massachusetts governor called out the National Guard and the illegals were thrown off the island. The Babylon Bee reported that before the illegals were tossed off the island, one resident saw a Hispanic person who wasn’t using a lawnmower or leaf blower, so she immediately called the cops.
IPETA’s German branch demanded that women refuse to have sex with men who eat meat.
A study conducted by the Australian University of New South Wales found that drinking two pints of beer per day reduced the risk of dementia. They also reported that even the biggest drinkers had about 20 percent less risk of dementia than those who abstained from alcohol. No wonder there are so few cases of dementia reported among U.S. congressmen.
San Francisco Supervisor Dean Preston suggested that the Navy’s Blue Angels flight demonstration team should be banned from the city’s skies because, ’ya know, they’re those icky military guys. In a related occurrence, the New Zealand government announced it was prepared to tax farmers for cow emissions — burps, farts, and pee — because they contain greenhouse gases. They should instead tax the emissions of politicians.
Biden’s Selective Service Administration announced that transgender “women” — i.e., men — are required to register for the draft but that transgender “men” — i.e., women — are not. Doesn’t that make the Biden administration transphobic? It was the second recorded example of Democrats recognizing that biology determines gender.
After losing her primary election, Rep. Liz Cheney (RINO-Wyo.) said she’d quit the Republican Party if Trump ran again. Former Rep. Tulsi Gabbard renounced the Dems to join the Republican ranks. After these events, an anonymous leak said that the Repubs had traded Cheney for Gabbard and a future draft choice was rumored to be Sen. Joe Manchin.
Campaigning (again) for the job of Georgia’s governor, Stacey Abrams said that the key to fighting inflation was more abortions. Abrams is not a descendant of Adam Smith. Neither is singer Eric Burton, who botched the words to our national anthem while singing it before a World Series game.
After yet another North Korean ballistic missile passed over Japan and landed in the ocean, Kim Jong-un claimed that those missile shots were Japan’s only protection from being ravaged by Godzilla.
Yet more eco-whackos tried to trash famous paintings. Two loud kiddies representing the “Just Stop Oil” group threw tomato soup on a Van Gogh painting. Nine days later, a couple of other climate-control morons threw mashed potatoes on a Monet and then glued their hands to a wall using a superglue that, of course, is manufactured from oil byproducts. If the two gangs had cooperated, they could have made a decent lunch.
A Seattle federal judge struck a blow for freedom and skimpy bikinis when he ruled that an Everett, Washington, city ordinance requiring “quick service” workers to cover both their tops and bottoms was unconstitutional.
George Will, the Washington Post’s tame conservative, pleaded with Democrats to not put Joe and Kammy up for reelection in 2024 because it’s the only way to save the country from Donald Trump. The Babylon Bee reported that Democrats were puzzled by the fact that promising more of the policies Biden has used to make America a disaster area wasn’t getting more positive results before the Nov. 8 election.
Flying an Air Force tanker can be pretty boring. One KC-135 crew tried to liven up their flight by using their contrails to draw a huge penis and testicles in the Syrian sky over a Russian base. The Russian troops were reportedly not amused.
At about the same time, the wokesters invented something else to be angry about. They began condemning “fast furniture,” the stuff that’s mass-produced, such as at IKEA, in favor of people making their own.
Republicans were so busy celebrating what they’d do after the “red wave” hit that they forgot to win. Pennsylvania state Rep. Tony Deluca was reelected despite the minor fact that he had died in October. Dain bramaged John Fetterman was elected U.S. senator, which boggles those minds capable of thought. Stacey Abrams, who is as great a candidate as Hillary Clinton, lost the Georgia gubernatorial race again, and Sarah Palin lost her congressional campaign in Alaska.
The Babylon Bee reported that the American public was confused over whether to vote for the party of brain-damaged candidates or the party that loses to brain-damaged candidates. A week after the election, Trump declared his 2024 candidacy, thus continuing that cycle. Meanwhile, a Russian ship aiming to study global warming at the South Pole got stuck in the ice.
Meanwhile, in Cambodia with Biden, Kammy said being in Thailand “signifies the significance” of U.S. allies and that she was glad to have “in large part, a discussion about the significance of the climate.”
Just in time for Thanksgiving, the White House released a list of the top 10 Biden accomplishments that should be discussed over a turkey dinner. That caused widespread nausea and fistfights among many liberal families. Lexicographers warned liberals that they will soon run out of things they can label “racist.”
As the month ended, Iran’s government told their World Cup soccer team that if they protested or lost their game against the United States, their families would be tortured and killed.
After the U.S. soccer team was beaten soundly in the World Cup, the Babylon Bee reported that America breathed a sigh of relief because we no longer had to pretend we like soccer.
Clemson’s star quarterback, D.J. Uiagalelei, was benched during the ACC championship game because none of the television announcers could pronounce his name. Indonesia passed a law prohibiting sex between people who aren’t married. Attempts at enforcing the new law will be interesting.
When Rockland County, Georgia, posted its “Most Wanted” list on Facebook, one Christopher Spaulding replied, “What about me?” His Facebook post led sheriff’s deputies to his location and he was arrested. Another criminal genius, Brad (his surname wasn’t released), tried to hold up a Walmart in Osceola, Florida, but his timing was off. The day of Brad’s holdup was “Shop with a Cop” day, so the Walmart had about 40 law enforcement folks present. Brad was arrested by a smiling crowd.
The New York Times made it official that mental disability is glamorous by naming dain bramaged new Pennsylvania Senator-elect John Fetterman — known for his sweatshirt-shorts combination and inability to speak simple sentences — as one of the top stylish dressers in America. In Norway, lesbian artist Tonje Gjevjon faced hate crime charges and jail time for posting on Facebook that men can’t be lesbians.
Republicans vehemently criticized the $1.7 trillion bill funding the government for fiscal year 2023 after they voted for it. On a similar note, a gal calling herself “Miss Krave” addressed the Fort Lauderdale City Commission while dressed head to toe in black leather and holding a long riding crop. She demanded that a “BDSM” dungeon be created in Broward County for her, ah, friends and participants.
The House committee “investigating” the Jan. 6, 2021 riot at the Capitol recommended that Trump should be tried for engaging in an insurrection and then hung, drawn, and quartered. The intellectual morons of Stanford University published a list of words that people shouldn’t use such as “American” and “brave.” They must not sing the national anthem much.
2022 is gone, and good riddance to it. Happy New Year and good luck to us all. We’re going to need it.