2016 Is Over, At Last
by

If you kept your sanity through 2016, you either paid no attention to the presidential campaign or you were heavily medicated throughout the year. January began badly, and it just went down from there, at least until November.

January
Having been invited by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, about 1.1 million “refugees” purportedly from Syria had reached Germany by year’s end, about 70 percent of them representing the primary terrorist demographic (Muslim males aged 17 to 45). Several thousand rapefugees celebrated the New Year at the Cologne train station, robbing, sexually assaulting, and raping hundreds of women. One perp reportedly told police, “You have to be nice to me. Mrs. Merkel invited me.”

Mr. Jeremy Corbyn, whacko leader of the Brit Labour Party, decided on a truly ingenious plan for the refit of Britain’s Trident missile submarines, which are the U.K.’s only nuclear force. Corbyn decided that the subs should be disarmed of nuclear weapons but kept on their routine sailing schedule to protect the jobs of shipyard workers.

In a similar demonstration of British problem-solving, Parliament took up a debate on the exclusion of Donald Trump from Britain for his statements. (It doesn’t matter which ones. The Brit pecksniffs are so politically correct they’d taken umbrage at his defense of New York values.)

Computers at Google Translate — a subsidiary of Skynet — malfunctioned in early January, translating the word “Russia” to mean “Mordor.” Though the company didn’t blame a Russian cyber-attack for the correction, its computers were corrected immediately to translate “Russia” to mean “worker’s paradise.”

Near the end of his final (thank heaven) State of the Union address, Obama said that “unarmed truth” and “unqualified love” always have the “final word.” That may be true on some planet but not this one.

A huge blizzard buried Washington, D.C. How much snow fell is unknown, because our government didn’t manage to measure the snowfall accurately. How many bureaucrats does it take to measure a snowfall?

To top off the month we found out that the admiral in charge of Navy Intelligence and one of his deputies had their security clearance suspended in 2013 because they were under suspicion of corruption. That meant the top two guys in Navy intel couldn’t be given classified information for about two years. You can’t make this stuff up, hereinafter “YCMTSU.”

Both Hillary Clinton and Ohio Governor John Kasich were endorsed by the New York Times for the nominations of their respective parties. Kasich’s campaign was not expected to recover.

February
The month began with the Washington, D.C. city council passing a new ordinance that promised to pay D.C. residents not to commit crimes. About two hundred likely offenders are to be sent to counseling and then paid about $9,000 a year to not rape, murder, and pillage as many are wont to do. The $9k bribe apparently doesn’t apply to members of the House and Senate, because the amount is, by their Frank Underwood standard, woefully small.

The tiresome Iowa caucuses occurred, six of which were so close that they had to be decided — literally — by a coin toss. The Perp won all six, despite the lack of interference by Russian coin hackers. (YCMTSU.)

Capitalizing on that momentum The Perp, who lost the New Hampshire primary to Bernie Sanders by more than twenty points, ended up with the same number of delegates from that state as Sanders.

Clinton won, despite the endorsement of her hubby. In his last appearance before the New Hampshire primary, Bubba said, “Sometimes when I am on a stage like this, I wish that we weren’t married, then I could say what I really think. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I am happy.”

Ohio Gov. John Kasich had a Jim Stockdale moment, wondering aloud at one campaign stop just what his goal was. None of the three people in attendance had an answer for him.

A whole passel of Brits lined up, each wanting to run the Brexit campaign, including U.K. Independence Party chief Nigel Farage and London Mayor Boris Johnson. Farage may be the most interesting person in European politics. Well, no. BoJo is a lot more interesting and a whole lot more fun. Imagine Donald Trump’s haircut atop a first-class conservative brain.

February finally ended when Secretary of State Vichy John Kerry was questioned by a Senate committee about Ibrahim al Qosi, a former resident of Guantanamo Bay who was released in 2012 and is now a primary recruiter for al-Qaida. Kerry said, “Well, uh, Senator, he’s not supposed to be doing that.”

March
The Trump bandwagon careened around the nation to the dismay of all concerned except the voters. Upset by Trump’s mounting success, people in Washington, D.C. were reportedly turning to psychiatrists and massage therapists for help with their “Trump anxiety.” People outside the Beltway simply got drunk, a simpler, cheaper, and — by all accounts — more effective remedy. That inevitably led to confusion as to who were Trump supporters and who weren’t.

Bryan Pagliano, the State Department computer geek who’d been paid by Clinton (and perhaps by Russian hackers) to set up her “clintonmail.com” system, was granted immunity from prosecution, so The Perp seemed in imminent danger of indictment.

Nine celebrities — including Miley Cyrus, Al Sharpton, Cher, Jon Stewart and Whoopi Goldberg — announced that they would self-deport if Donald Trump were elected president. Many conservatives immediately sought Trump’s attention to point out that others from the liberal fever swamps — such as Jane Fonda, Keith Olbermann, Rosie O’Donnell and Chris Matthews — needed his personal attention so that they would add themselves to the list of those making the pledge.

Gov. Moonbeam didn’t pledge to leave the country if Trump was elected, but he gave us hope nevertheless. He said, “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.” It would be nice if California seceded, but that’s too much to hope for.

The lib Brit magazine The Economist rated a Donald Trump presidency among the top ten risks facing the world in 2016, ranking Trump alongside possible British exit from the E.U. and a zombie apocalypse. (YCMSTU.)

Meanwhile, Bubba, in a speech praising The Perp’s quals to be President, proclaimed that ’Murica needed to put “…the awful legacy of the last eight years behind us and the seven years before that where we were practicing trickle-down economics.” That came on the first day of Obama’s trip to Cuba in which he praised Raul Castro for criticizing the U.S., proving redundantly whose side Obama is on. On the second day of the trip, after holding a joint press conference, Castro tried to hold Obama’s hand up in his to show their mutual celebration, but Barry’s wrist was limp and flopped around in Raul’s grip. (YCMTSU.)

On his way home from Cuba, Obama passed through Argentina for tango lessons at a state dinner. Meeting with Argentinian students, he told them that there’s no big difference between communists or socialists and capitalists and that they should just choose what works.

Meanwhile, the Great Bathroom War broke out, the LGBTQ (whatever) crowd insisting that people should use whichever bathroom they chose based not on the gender equipment they were born with but the gender they “identify” with. Donald Trump said that Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner could use any bathroom she/he/whatever chose in Trump Tower.

April
The month, fortunately, didn’t start with a bang. The CIA, testing some bomb-sniffing dogs in a parking lot crowded with school buses in Loudoun County, Virginia, managed to leave behind a block of C-4 explosive under a bus’s hood.

Bubba was again seen helping the Little Lady’s campaign. Reminiscing about the good old days of 1993, he said, “Unlike when I became president, a lot of things are coming apart around the world now.” At the same time, Mizz Clinton and Bernie were debating which of the two of them was more unqualified to be President.

The Great Bathroom War was fought in North Carolina, and the forces of sanity seemed to prevail. The N.C. legislature passed a new law that required people to use public bathrooms labeled the same as their gender equipment. The QLGBwhatever movement immediately tried to call for a boycott of the state, but the debate over whether the term “boycott” was appropriate (“girlcott”? “itcott”?) quickly overcame the debaters who retired to the nearest ladies’ room for a good cry.

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy announced a plan to deprive Spaniards of their traditional mid-day siesta in order to improve productivity. French PM François Hollande protested, saying that Rajoy was trying to establish a new productivity standard that France could never match.

Winston Churchill once said that “The Hun is always at your throat or at your feet.” To Churchill’s quote we must add, “or unionized.” It was revealed that during month-long NATO exercises in November 2015, Germany’s forces had to leave after only twelve days because they had exceeded the overtime limits in their contracts. In a related event, 39,000 Verizon home repair workers went on strike for three weeks. Customers praised the strike for reducing average service wait times by almost five days.

Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, Sheik al-Sheik, defending the kingdom’s ban on women drivers on the grounds that if they were allowed to drive, family members wouldn’t know where they are. How many teenage daughters Sheik Sheik has is unreported.

Treasury Secretary Jacob Lewd announced that Ol’ Andy Jackson’s face will no longer be on the $20 bill, replaced by Harriet Tubman by 2020. He’s redesigning the $5 and $10, as well. Plans reportedly also include a new $3 bill with a holographic shifting image alternately showing Bruce and Caitlyn Jenner.

Kim Jong Loon held a “master chef” contest, which was televised in North Korea. About 80 percent of the North Korean population is near starvation, but the tyrannical tub of lard apparently enjoyed whatever the chefs prepared.

May
Obama’s Thought Police, in the person of Assistant Attorney General Karol Mason, proclaimed that people convicted and imprisoned for felonies would no longer be referred to as “felons” or “cons” because the felons and cons are offended by those terms. Hereafter, they will be referred to as “formerly incarcerated” people.

Nicolas Cage and John Malkovich are reportedly working on a script for a sequel to “Con Air” titled “Formerly Incarcerated People Air 2.”

Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination by winning the Indiana primary, driving both Ted Cruz and John Whatshisname from the race. A new report brought to light a 2015 directive from Army Secretary John McHugh to all commanders and soldiers that said: “Commanders and soldiers will balance lactation support and readiness.” This ain’t your father’s army. It’s your crazy Aunt Bertha’s.

Former death squad leader Rodrigo Duterte won the Philippine presidential election, raising hope among Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff.

In a related report, the State Department claimed that because Russian hackers had entered its system, it had lost all of Brian Pagliano’s emails from the period in which Hillary was Secretary of State.

Meanwhile Mike Webb, seeking to mount an independent campaign for Congress in Virginia’s 8th District, tried to demonstrate his acumen with social media by posting a screen grab from his computer on Facebook. He didn’t close all the porn site tabs before he did, and they were clearly visible to the, um, naked eye. Webb blamed Russian hackers for putting porn on his screen.

The most fun of the month was the sloppy wet kiss of an article on Deputy National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes in the New York Times Magazine. The article crowned the arrogant, self-absorbed punk as second only to the arrogant, self-absorbed punk in the Oval Office in influence on foreign policy.

Rhodes’s boasts to the NYT confirmed the most serious criticisms that have been levied against the deal from the outset. They proved that President Obama and his team lied about every important aspect of the disastrous deal, which assures that Iran will have nuclear weapons within the time period of the agreement. We don’t know what the side deals provide (not even the Senate does), but one evidently allows Iran to inspect some of its own nuclear facilities, as it is now doing, and — to no one’s surprise — reporting that everything is just tickety-boo there. That would be hilarious, if we weren’t talking about the world’s principal terrorist nation obtaining nuclear weapons. Fortunately for Obama, Rhodes and the rest, there’s no criminal penalty for lying to the media, Congress, the American people and our allies.

(Top White House flack Josh Earnest asked if he would say categorically that the administration hadn’t lied about the Iran deal, glanced at his computer and answered “Nyet.”)

Joey Biden said that “I’ve never been gainfully employed in my life.” Fearing retirement, he added, “I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.” Not to worry, Joey. Neither Obama nor any of his team had ever had a real job. They’ll all find new sinecures on MSNBC, at Hahvahd, or the New York Times.

The month finally ended on a high note with North Korea’s Kim Jong Loon endorsing Donald Trump.

June

As The Perp’s email drama continued, FBI Director James Comey commented on The Perp’s claim that the FBI was doing a “security review” by telling the media that he didn’t know what that was, but his guys and gals were doing an investigation.

At that point, my great pal, J.J. O’Connor, raised a thoughtful question. The Perp, as a former first lady, has 24/7 Secret Service protection. If she were to be convicted for her actions and sent to prison, how would the Secret Service continue to protect her? From adjoining cells? We joined in the hope they would soon be faced with that problem.

The Master Security company, which holds the contract for Dulles Airport near Washington, D.C. was discovered to have Mr. Yusuf Abdi Ali, a wanted Somali war criminal, in its employ as a guard.

In Kenya, an unidentified monkey got into a key transformer and plunged the entire nation into a power failure that lasted for days. In related reports, Hillary Clinton sewed up the Democratic nomination for President and the State Department said that it would take it 75 years to respond to the Freedom of Information Act requests for The Perp’s emails and those of her immediate staffers. State defended this estimate, saying it was “reasonable.”

The scientific question of precisely what the cause of global warming is was resolved by a senior Iranian cleric. Imammy Seyyed Youssef Tabatabi-nejad said that immorality among young Iranian women, stemming from dressing “improperly,” is resulting in climate change and causing the rivers and dams in Iran to run dry. According to Tabatabi-nejad, women who don’t adequately veil their faces also contribute to climate change. There was no response from Al Gore.

The Brits voted to leave the European Union on June 23. Brit PM David Cameron had campaigned so hard to remain in the E.U. he was forced to resign as PM effective in October. In a related report by our friends at the Duffel Blog, the Marine Corps voted to leave the Department of the Navy, in favor of becoming a new military agency, the Men’s Department of the Navy. There was no response from Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, who was too busy spending Navy funds on “green” biofuels to power Navy aircraft and ships.

The month ended when Bubba had a chance meeting with Attorney General Lynch. The two spoke only about their grandkids, which is why, two days later, the Justice Department filed a motion in court to delay release of Hillary’s State Department emails by 27 months.

July
Though Bubba wasn’t in attendance, a Denver branch of Hooters restaurant sponsored a Cub Scout troop outing, which left mothers aghast and a bunch of 8-year-old boys smiling, though they weren’t quite sure why. A story appeared in the New York Times leaking that Hillary might let Loretta Lynch keep her job as attorney general, if she was elected.

Coincidentally, a couple of days later, FBI Director Comey held a press conference in which he recited all the ways Hillary had broken the laws written to protect classified information from disclosure and concluded that no prosecutor in his right mind could prosecute her based on that evidence.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Donald Trump took turns calling each other “loser” and “has been,” but the decision was left to the November election.

Neither Ginsburg nor Trump had a comment on the report that French President Hollande spends $10,000 a month on haircuts, but Bill Clinton was overheard saying, “Yeah, but he never tied up a whole major airport to get one like I did.”

The nominations of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were overshadowed by the crowds of convention delegates frantically racing around the convention halls chasing characters in the “Pokemon Go” game. Injuries were minor, except for the man who tried to push past Clinton on stage. He is reportedly still recovering from the beating she gave him.

The Islamic community didn’t welcome “Pokemon Go.” Various imams issued fatwas against the game, proclaiming it evil and evidence of natural evolution of the species. That is obviously wrong, given the fact that the game is evidence of devolution of the species.

Case Western University in Cleveland offered “safe spaces” to its little darlings who were traumatized by the Republican convention. Many were seen fleeing to the “safety” to avoid hearing the speeches by Milwaukee Sheriff David Clarke and New Joisey Gov. Chris Christie. The spaces had to be expanded for Donald Trump’s speech. We heard the ghost of John Wayne say, “You want a safe space? Learn how to handle a gun and you can make any space safe.”

Ms. Jen Selter, possessor of the reportedly sexiest derriere in the nation, managed to get out of serving on jury duty by telling the judge that she was too superficial to adjudicate a case fairly. Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) — of whose butt we fortunately have no information — told the Democratic Convention that all of the delegates have jobs and children and that they should ignore them to spend time campaigning for Hillary.

At a globaloney warming conference, Vichy John Kerry proclaimed that he’d had talks with his international peers that covered ISIS. He said, “It’s hard for some people to grasp it, but what we — you — are doing here right now is of equal importance because it has the ability to literally save life on the planet itself.” Air conditioning, he implied, is as dangerous as ISIS.

August
Asked how it felt to have been picked as Hillary’s running mate, Sen. Tim Kaine said, “It feels like I got kidnapped.” Kaine spoke through the gag tied around his mouth to a gaggle of Hillary’s media fans.

The world suffered through the quadrennial NBC assault on our hunger for sports at the Rio Olympics. Aside from swimming and basketball, all the other interesting sports were either not shown at all or were, like women’s beach volleyball, shown in the early hours of the morning when no one was awake to see them. This was because NBC — obviously colluding with Russian hackers because no American man could make such a mistake — decided that their most faithful watchers were housewives who were interested in nothing but the “human interest” soap opera version of sports, which has nothing to do with the actual competitions.

We did have the chance to see American Katie Ledecky and ol’ Michael Phelps win gold again and again at amazing speeds. Ledecky’s record speed in the 400 meter individual freestyle was challenged by Russia, accusing her of having the DNA of a shark. (Testing proved them wrong, although the 25 percent of her DNA that wasn’t human apparently is found only in porpoises.)

RNC Chairman Prince Rebus, always helpful, began hinting that the RNC would give up on Trump altogether and just concentrate on losing the Senate. Meanwhile, Russian hackers caused the FBI files on the death of former Clinton White House counsel Vince Foster to disappear from the National Archives. The ghost of Sandy Berger was reportedly seen exiting the Archives shortly before the discovery that the files were missing.

Before the month ended, Reuters reported that of the private, non-governmental people Hillary met with while secretary of state, more than 50 percent had donated to the Clinton Foundation. When your correspondent remarked that she’d obviously been bought and sold so many times she’d have difficulty remembering who bought her on which question, my pal and late-night radio host Jim Bohannon objected. Jimbo asked how could I say she had been bought and sold? Just because she had a barcode on her butt isn’t anything conclusive, he said.

Mr. Colin Kaepernick, a bench-warming QB for the San Francisco 49ers, tried to save his career by gaining publicity. He proclaimed that he wouldn’t stand for the national anthem and wore socks to practice that had pigs wearing police hats on them. Mr. Wes Pruden of the Washington Times, the best of all columnists, proclaimed that Mr. Kaepernick’s protest merely affirmed the right of every American to be a jerk.

September
Mr. Mack Yearwood, who was sought by the Florida police for a variety of crimes, was apprehended after he posted his wanted poster as his Facebook portrait photo. Mr. Yearwood and Mr. Kaepernick are reportedly Facebook “friends.”

Your tax money was hard at work. The Army announced that Pvt. Bradley Manning, who now calls himself/itself Chelsea, would get gender change surgery courtesy of Uncle Sap.

Meanwhile, The Perp had a “medical incident” at a 9/11 memorial event. After collapsing and having the Secret Service throw her into a van like a sack of fertilizer, she was taken to her daughter’s apartment, emerging a couple of hours later to proclaim it was a wonderful day in Noo Yawk. Maybe for her but not for those mourning the 2,977 lives lost fifteen years ago on that day.

Mr. Obama was encouraged by scientists’ decision to name a newly discovered species of parasite after him. It’s a flatworm called Baracktrema obamai. According to The Perp, Trump’s supporters were a similar species she said were lumped in a “basket of deplorables.”

Mr. Dominique Green, while being pulled over by Dallas cops, filmed a Facebook video of himself shouting that he was being picked on for “driving while black.” In an act reminiscent of the Facebook fascination he shares with Colin Kaepernick, Mr. Green managed to film his effort to attempt to hide the drugs he was carrying in the car.

The most hopeful event of the month was a campaign rally in which former Florida guv Charlie Crist told his audience that Hillary Clinton was honest. It was almost thirty minutes before audience laughter subsided.

I somehow felt twenty years younger, after reading that Vladimir Putin was combining the Russian Federal Security Service (FSB), the foreign intelligence service (SVR), and the state guard service (FSO) into a new State Security Ministry called the MGB. The Kremlin stated that they will have absolutely no computer hacking capabilities.

To help those misled by Putin’s attempt at subtlety, we’ll remember that the last Russian ministry to have those combined powers had the internationally infamous logo of a sword and shield. It was responsible for Putin’s training and his rise from obscurity. It went by the name of Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. Modern-day idiots such as Clinton and Obama are willfully ignorant of its deeds and thus cannot know why denizens of the Evil Empire trembled even at the mention of its initials. Everything old is new again.

October
At the opening of a new airport in southern Iraq, Iraqi transportation minister Kadhem al-Hamami proclaimed that the ancient Sumerians launched spacecraft from that same location about 7,000 years ago. The fact that he was stone cold sober when he made that statement is yet another validation of George W. Bush’s nation-building strategy.

In a related report, Egyptian historian Dr. Ahmad Sarhan claimed that the Egyptians, not Christopher Columbus, discovered America.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump reminded voters to be sure to vote on November 28th.

A group of Australian researchers reportedly led by Ph.D. student Emma Peel (no, not the Diana Rigg version) found that the milk of Tasmanian Devils had properties that could fight antibiotic-resistant superbugs. How the hell anyone could get the milk from the aptly named Devils wasn’t explained.

Military political correctness was further institutionalized by the issuance of a 72-page handbook for commanders that guides their decisions on when and how to enable “gender transformation” surgeries and such at taxpayer expense. We are left to wonder how much of the defense budget is spent on political correctness from gender transformation to the purchase of “biofuels” for the Navy, which regularly sell at about one hundred times the price of diesel and jet fuels.

Toward the end of the month, FBI Director Comey suddenly decided that he’d reopen the investigation into The Perp’s email system. This apparently occurred when several agents, examining a laptop shared by Hillary’s body woman Huma Abedin and her husband — former Dem. congressman Anthony Weiner (aka “The Perv,” not “The Perp,” famous only for emails and text messages consisting of his aroused equipment) — found more than 600,000 emails on the device, much of which were from or to Hillary and her staff. They were apparently placed there by Russian hackers who had stolen them from Hillary’s “Clintonmail.com” system.

November
November was enough to make 2016 the strangest in many decades. It began when farmers across America found that their pigs suddenly sprouted wings and took to the air, many of them wearing neatly applied lipstick. Hell froze over shortly before Game 7 of the World Series, and the Chicago Cubs won for the first time in 108 years. Those omens had to portend ominous events, but what they were didn’t clear up until the morning of the 9th.

FBI Director Ivan Ivanovich Comey declared that based on the FBI’s review of 650,000 emails found on The Perp’s email system, there was no need to press charges against her. Shortly before the election, President Obama said, “I hate to put a little pressure on you, but the fate of the republic rests on your shoulders. The fate of the world is teetering.” Obama’s legacy, he knew, would be decided by the election. He also encouraged illegal aliens to vote.

On election night, Stephen Colbert bemoaned the approach of the Apocalypse, saying that most Americans appeared to be voting for the asteroid. But most Americans felt like the guy I know who is on his second marriage. He asked, “Why would I want to vote for someone who reminds me of my first wife?” And most didn’t. In the shocker of the year, Donald Trump won.

The left immediately blamed Russian hackers for Hillary’s loss. They also blamed the phase of the moon, the failure of Hillary’s voodoo curses on Trump and ignorant, deplorable voters.

About a week later, NASA launched what it called its “space poop challenge.” Engineers and scientists are challenged to find a way to deal with the human byproducts of astronauts who have to stay sealed in their space suits for up to six days at a time. How can they? One was quoted as saying, “It depends…”

December
PEOTUS Trump entertained the world by naming his Cabinet, which — for the first time in decades — was aimed at actually fixing the wreckage created in eight years by his predecessor. He also decided to skip the daily intelligence briefings, apparently believing he can’t possibly be any smarter.

Perhaps the best news is Trump’s national security team. Trump seems to be most comfortable with having Marines in charge, and they’ve landed in force. Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis will be Secretary of Defense, Gen. Mike Flynn will be National Security Advisor, and Lt. Gen. Mike Kelly will be Secretary of Homeland Security. The Alpha Males will replace Obama’s team of cuddly pussycats and will be giving our adversaries a lot of sleepless nights.

Meanwhile, British citizens learned of more reasons to be glad that Brexit will take them out of the socialist/politically correct morass of the European Union. Stockholm, which has its share of snow each year, had initiated a “gender-neutral” snow plowing scheme. Seems that more men than women took buses and cars to work while more women then walked, suffering more broken ankles because streets were being plowed before sidewalks.

Not to be left behind, California Governor Moonbeam was reported to have signed legislation regulating cow farts. This was based, of course, on a 2013 U.N. report that blamed methane emitted by livestock for almost 15 percent of the greenhouse gas emissions for which mankind is responsible. Not that mankind emits the cow’s gases but that we’re responsible for cattle breeding. It makes sense somewhere, probably only in California and Sweden. And Canada.

Mr. Nick Matte, a lecturer at the University of Toronto who teaches transgenderism, is reportedly teaching his students that the entire idea of biological sex — that people are born either men or women — is a “very popular misconception.” The students, who don’t seem at all mystified, are more than content to pursue each other based on Matte’s idea of a misconception.

The Electoral College met in its various state capitals and, despite every effort by Russian hackers and every liberal plea to defect from the results of the election, chose Donald Trump as our next President. The libs’ pleas resulted in some defections. Some of The Perp’s electors voted for Bernie Sanders, Colin Powell, and an Indian activist who wasn’t Elizabeth Warren.

Kim Jong Loon, having promised his border security troops better food, delivered an enormous shipment of food. Which was odd, considering North Korea’s population is starving. The food, apparently laced with iron filings, thread, and strange-smelling fish, caused a huge outbreak of diarrhea among the troops. In a related report, we were informed that the well-behaving Iranian regime had established a “City of Games for Revolutionary Children” theme park in which the kids are able to dress as soldiers and practice killing Arabs, Jews, and anyone else the Iranian kakistocracy says are enemies. They are being taught that an “Iranian moderate” is someone who has run out of ammo temporarily.

“Whatever” was named as the most annoying word of the year. It shall remain so for at least the rest of the century.

The year ended on a hopeful note: There’s only twenty more days of Obama’s presidency. After that, the grownups will be in charge for the first time since 2008.

Happy New Year, everyone. Brace yourselves: 2017 is going to be a wild ride.

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