Commercials are really expensive. At least, that’s the understanding I’ve had as someone who does not buy commercials as a general rule. I also don’t have anything to commercialize about. I think I can ride my bicycle pretty fast, and I think what I write can be good if I really try. But that’s it.

Steve Lonegan is running for governor. Surely he has things to say. Apparently Rick Shaftan feels differently. Shaftan is Lonegan’s campaign guy who’s been responsible for pretty much every stupid move Lonegan’s made and every smart move Lonegan didn’t make. The commercial below is advertising one thing and one thing only: “If elected, I can do stuff.”

Apparently the Lonegan campaign’s Department of the Obvious is responsible for the scripts in these things. At least we unequivocally know this fact: Under Lonegan, New Jersey will never be the same as it is right now, but rather it’ll be the same as it was at one point earlier, but different. And definitely better.

You know what? I’m going to start getting commercials to put out crucial messages to New Jersey voters. “Peanut butter is sticky” will be numero uno, followed by, “Water is wet.”

Oh, and also? Tomorrow’s election day. I’d go to the polls to do an on the scene report of what will clearly be a close election, but rather than hedge my bets, I’ve already gone ahead to start writing about how Christie won. Potential interviewees: Please use the present tense, even if we’re talking about the future.