Dead Rat Mouth

It appears leading conservatives are simply all wrong about The Huck. Last night I attended one of the fabled Huck and Chuck rallies starring Chuck Norris in my hometown of Rochester. After local band Mama Kick’s rendition—not, mind you, extraordinary rendition—of Journey’s "Any Way You Want It", pundit Star Parker took the stage to answer those who say Mike Huckabee is not sufficiently conservative “just because he has compassion for people”—feeling guilty yet, hate mongers?  

“Whoa!” Parker said. “Whoa! We’re talking about a man whose website says Faith. Family. Freedom."

Is that all it takes? Maybe he should skip the poll visits today and just oversee a new Mike Huckabee Is President website, so long as that is what now conjures reality.

Parker had come out to campaign at Huckabee’s request. He called her one night to chat it up and…she wasn’t sure who he was. “I’m a single woman, I just got home from vacation, I’m thinking, ‘Mike who?’” she explained. Lord, sounds like a pretty hot vacation. Alas, the man on the line was a certain former Baptist minister. Nevertheless, his voice filled Parker with joy because she learned there was finally a God-fearing outsider was running for president. (Are there any declared atheist insiders currently seeking the nomination.) This was a good and necessary thing, she argued, because, “A lot of people in Washington, D.C. think the Potomac smells like perfume.” (I’ve spent a fair amount of time in D.C. and I say—Name one.) Parker, Huckabee and campaign apparatchiks all echoed this, You're not gonna let the ELITE MEDIA make up your mind for you, are you? line several times. Oh, Parker added, and did you know they said Abe Lincoln wasn’t electable, too?

Pshaw. Honest Abe didn’t even have Chuck Norris campaigning for him.

By the by, for those who are interested and remember the scene in Missing in Action wherein Chuck Norris’ captors put a burlap sack with a rat in it over his head, Yes, it was a real rat, but it was already dead when they put it in the sack. Chuck Norris didn’t bite the rat to death. It was already dead when he put it in his mouth.

Um…go Huckabee?!