Barack Obama

Barack Obama: A GOP President Had Better Not Follow My Lead

By on 11.24.14 | 12:28PM

One of the dangers of using the Executive Action to accomplish your campaign goals six years after the fact and despite having an agreeable Congress right about the time you could have fulfilled your campaign promises, is that, if the EA survives the endless litigation and bellyaching it's headed for, future Presidents who don't share your inclusive attitude on undocumented workers, and for that matter, on basically anything else, may also use the EA to accomplish their goals.

Fortunately, President Obama has considered that eventuality and has issued an expert opinion on the subject. No, President Rick Santorum will not be allowed to use Executive Action to enact his agenda when Congress fails to heed his advice about scantily-clad ladies of the Internet and the overwhelming corporate tax burden. Why? Because Barack Obama says so.

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Dems Calling MSNBC To Find Out About President Obama

By on 11.11.14 | 1:08PM

The President has gone underground, at least as far as Congressional Democrats are concerned. 

While they were once such good friends, now, it turns out, he never calls, he never writes, he never sends flowers, and he most certainly never appraises them of his legislative agenda. According to MSNBC this morning, Congressional Democrats have actually be calling the cable news station, just in case their sources at the White House has heard something they haven't.

How terribly sad. I bet the Senate Democrats get lonely in their little offices, just pining away for a phone call from the President. It's almost too much to bear. 

The funny thing is, the White House still wonders why Congressional Democrats didn't run on the President's agenda. Considering this new information, it might not even be that they disagreed with it. It might be because they just didn't know what the hell was going on.

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Barack Obama Fires Back…At Michael Jordan

By on 11.5.14 | 12:37PM

This administration has priorities

He might be ignoring the results of last night's election, but President Obama is not going to let Michael Jordan's hurtful comments about his golf game slide right by. Seems that, while he might not be concerned about how Americans feel about his agenda, he wants to make sure they know how to feel about his prowess on the links.

Obama was talking with Wisconsin radio station WJMR -- when he was asked about the shots MJ took during an interview with Ahmad Rashad ... when he called B.O. a "sh**ty golfer."

"Mike and I, we know each other but I've never played golf with him," Obama said ... "Michael wasn't very well informed about this, I think he might've just been trying to give Ahmad an extra ratings boost on his show."

Obama continued, "But there is no doubt that Michael is a better golfer than I am. Of course if I was playing twice a day for the last 15 years, then that might not be the case."

"He might want to spend more time thinking about the Bobcats ... or the Hornets."

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President Obama Does Not Feel Repudiated

By on 11.5.14 | 12:23PM

Last night may have been a bloodbath for Democrats, but just so you know, Barack Obama is totally fine. This wasn't a shellacking at all. Not even a bare repudiation. Nope, this was just a case of a guy who was facing uphill odds and had to sit on the bench while the rest of his team did the work, and now feels like they did a pretty solid job and, well, he's got a tee time in a couple of hours and he's going to just take the rest of this week off.

Two things were clear long before the votes were counted on Tuesday night: President Obama would face a Congress with more Republicans for his final two years in office, and the results would be seen as a repudiation of his leadership.

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Kim Kardashian is Voting for Obama Today

By on 11.4.14 | 11:53AM

Kim Kardashian is doing her civic duty and encouraging her Twitter and Instagram followers to vote today. She, herself, is apparently planning to vote for Barack Obama. Which will be difficult because Barack Obama himself is not on the ballot. 

I suppose we could be generous and acknowledge that, perhaps, Kim is voting to preserve Barack Obama's agenda, which, perhaps unknown to Kim, includes punishing her and her husband Kanye West for their undeserved fame and conspicuous over-consumption, hers earned by starring in a sex tape, and his earned by being a rapper who was pretty good ten years ago but insists on continuing to make records. But that would imply we think Kim has thought long and hard about this and the evidence seems to show that Kim Kardashian has never thought long and hard about anything. 

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Barack Obama Doesn’t Want to be on the Supreme Court

on 10.20.14 | 3:07PM

In case you were wondering whether noted Constitutional Law professor Barack Obama had designs on joining the Supreme Court once he's out of office - and who wasn't? - the Commander-in-Chief reassured the New Yorker's Jeffrey Toobin that he would prefer a role that afforded him more free time

As Marine One thundered overhead, about to land on the White House lawn and take Obama to a series of political fund-raisers, I asked him if, like William Howard Taft, he entertained thoughts of serving as a judge later in his career. “When I got out of law school, I chose not to clerk,” he said. “Partly because I was an older student, but partly because I don’t think I have the temperament to sit in a chamber and write opinions.” But he sounded tempted by the idea.

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Obama Considering Closing Gitmo With Executive Order

By on 10.10.14 | 2:08PM

Last night, Gwyneth Paltrow wished up on a falling star, if she believes in such a thing, that Barack Obama would have greater opportunity to enact his legislative agenda without having to rely on the pesky details associated with a representative democracy. This morning, the Hill announced that Barack Obama is considering using executive action to close Guantanamo Bay's terrorist detention facility and by pass legislation designed to keep Gitmo detainees out of the American prison population.

Coincidence? I think not. Also a conicidence? I fully support this idea if the terrorists can be relocated to Gwyneth Paltrow's Brentwood mansion. She already has the 9-foot steel gates. 

President Obama is considering executive action to close the detention facility at Guantánamo Bay, despite congressional legislation that bans the transfer of detainees there to prisons in the U.S., according to a Thursday report.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Fawns Over President, Gets Constitution Wrong

By on 10.10.14 | 11:24AM

Last night, Barack Obama tied up his seven-day fundraising bender with a visit to Gwyneth Paltrow's Beverly Hills home, where he collected checks from Hollywood celebrities and, no doubt, dined on Gwyneth's signature vegan, gluten-free diet food. Fortunately, what has been a rough week for the President generally, cleared up as he was feted and - quite literally - fawned over at the event.

The idiocy of Hollywood was in full bloom Thursday night when Gwyneth Paltrow turned an already-embarrassing Hollywood fundraiser into "The Dating Game."

Paltrow -- who hosted the event at her Brentwood home -- gushed as she introduced President Obama, "You're so handsome that I can't speak properly."

After you've finished vomiting up your breakfast over your keyboard at the thought, we can continue. You good? OK.

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President Obama Slams Republican ‘Party of Billionaires’ While at Billionaire’s House

By on 10.8.14 | 4:50PM

This week features a greuling Presidential schedule, with Barack Obama attending seven separate Democratic party fundraisers ahead of next month's mid-year elections. From Greenwich, Connecticut to Beverly Hills, California, the President will be criss-crossing the nation, eating organic, locally-sourced rubber chicken in private mansions and collecting checks from billionaires, as the Democratic Party faces down a possible loss of the Senate.

Last night, after two fundraisers in New York, Barack Obama settled down for a quiet, up-to-$32,000-per-plate dinner at the home of (I am not making this up) a billionaire property tycoon named (still not making this up) Rich Richman, but only after he sent a massive fundraising email to potential Democratic donors, labeling the Republicans as the "party of billionaires."

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Jimmy Carter: President Obama’s Middle East Policy Sucks

By on 10.8.14 | 3:50PM

Jimmy Carter is not an expert in Middle Eastern foreign policy. Or, at least, he wasn't an expert when Middle East foreign policy was happening to him. But now, after decades away from the limelight, after building countless homes for America's impoverished families and speaking regularly on the scourge of Israel's right to self-defense, Jimmy Carter has, apparently, acquired enough foreign policy acumen to entice CNN to interview him on the current situation with ISIS.

Or they figure if anyone would know how to functionally dismantle an entire region, it would be Jimmy Carter. 

Either way, Jimmy Carter, the man best known for messing up our Middle East foreign policy, cannot begin to explain to you how badly President Obama is messing up our Middle East foreign policy.

Former President Jimmy Carter said President Barack Obama "waited too long" to go after ISIS and criticized what he described as the president's changing foreign policy.

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