The American Spectator : Henny-Penny Conquers CO2

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Henny-Penny Conquers CO2

By Peter Hannaford on 12.10.09 @ 6:06AM

Hold your breath, the EPA has ordered.

"I've just had a revelation," she blurted excitedly over the phone. "It's nearly midnight. Won't it wait until morning?" I replied. "Not when the fate of the world hangs in the balance," insisted Ms. Henny-Penny, founder and recording secretary of The Holy Order of The Sky is Falling. Thus, this conversation followed:

Us: Who revealed what to you (I said, sleepily)

Ms. H-P: It came to me in a dream. I'd been mulling over the good news that the Environmental Protection Agency had issued a decree that carbon dioxide is a danger to human health and that the EPA would issue regulations to require those who produce it to cut it way down.

Us: So?

Ms. H-P: So, in the dream a voice asked me, "What is the biggest source of carbon dioxide?" I said, "Human beings. They inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide." "That's right," said the voice, "So, do something to capture that CO2 that is trapping heat and warming the globe to the point that everyone will fry."

Us: How are you going to capture the CO2 that six billion inhabitants of the earth exhale?

Ms. H-P: Everyone will be required to wear a special mask with a tube attached to it, leading to a plastic bag on a belt. Every time a person exhales, he or she will be sending the CO2 down the tube into the bag.

Us: Then what?

Ms. H-P: The bag will be large enough to hold a day's worth of CO2. Then, every other day, everyone will go to a CO2 Sequestration Station in their neighborhood to empty their bag into a large cylinder. When the cylinders are full they'll be carted to huge underground caverns in New Mexico or Kentucky or someplace.

Us: Very practical, but don't you think people will protest?

Ms. H-P: How can they? The EPA works for President Obama and if he says they can do it, they can do it.

Us: What about Congress?

Ms. H-P: They will be so busy trying to mollify the big factories, power plants and refineries in their districts over the new regulations that this will seem Heaven-sent to them. It will provide just the right solution to the big problem. It makes everyone share the, uh, temporary inconvenience. It's very democratic, don't you think?

Us: I think you've forgotten the 5.7 billion people who live outside the United States.

Ms.H-P: No I haven't. The U.S. will set such a stunning example that the rest of the world will quickly want to adopt the plan.

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topics:
Environmental Protection Agency, Greenhouse Gases

About the Author

Peter Hannaford was closely associated with the late President Ronald Reagan for a number of years. His latest book is Reagan's Roots: The People and Places That Shaped His Character.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (14) | Leave a comment

Ned | 12.10.09 @ 7:52AM

A few weeks ago I had some fun writing this:
News Flash:
People who rally against climate change were broken hearted and at the same time exhilarated to hear a group of followers meeting in San Francisco might have went a little too far in their zeal to promote recognition of climate change.
At a meeting with about 150 people, tragedy struck when a particularly passionate speaker pointed out that with each breath taken by the individuals present, more carbon dioxide is released into the air.
Upon hearing, and being fervently reminded of this often forgotten production mechanism of carbon dioxide, all of the devoted participants immediately stopped breathing. All 150 died, laying their lives on the green alter of ultimate sacrifice, before EMTs could arrive and resuscitate them.
The most passionate leaders of the climate change awareness movement solemnly stated “This is an example of pure devotion for all of us to follow.” They plan to lead believers in a world wide breathe-out demonstration next Saturday.
Non-believers of man made climate change say “For once we are in total agreement with these highly intelligent impassioned folks and urge all believers of man made climate change to participate.”

owyheewine| 12.10.09 @ 9:41AM

I have a less than compassionate suggestion for where those CO2 gathering hoses should be routed..
On the other hand we could take all of the cylinders to D.C. , and release the gas to promote such vigorous vegetative growth to remediate the whole place back to the pristine 1800 environment.

Al Adab| 12.10.09 @ 10:15AM

Gosh, and all that stuff I learned in science class about trees and plants taking in CO2 and giving off onygen was just a lie? If only Congress would stop breathing we might all be safe.

Roy| 12.10.09 @ 11:52AM

I've been getting a kick out of the Times of India Copenhagen coverage. Not word one on Climategate.

It was front page news when India announced their "concession" to voluntarily reduce their "carbon intensity" by 25%. The top headline was "India agrees to 25% carbon cut".

Not being the NY Times, they didn't even bother to push the facts to paragraph 25. "Carbon intensity" = Carbon emissions/GDP. So they can reduce their carbon intensity either by decreasing emissions or increasing GDP. No prizes for guessing which they plan to do.

2 paragraphs in, you read a parliamentary spokesman saying "well, it's voluntary, not binding, but it's not too hard because in the last equivalent period our intensity declined by 18%". In short, we plan to do absolutely nothing but we'll put a nice big number on it and hope it's enough for the Americans to spin themselves into economic suicide.

And that's the optimistic scenario. The pessimistic one is that it WILL do anything. If it does do anything, then the TOI predicts that the biggest impact will be to slow the rate at which people move from burning "wood" to burning kerosene. They estimate 25% of urban dwellers burn wood(and of course it is the poorest 25%), which is why Calcutta smells like a campfire half the time. And when I say "wood" I of course mean garbage with all the associated ashes and other respiratory-problem causing emissions.

In short, warmodoom fanatics want the Slumdog Millionaire to die of pneumonia.

Ken (OLd Texican)| 12.10.09 @ 2:19PM

Ladies and gentlemen,
The sky truly is falling. Only YOU can prevent it.

http://www.americanthinker.com.....psest.html

Like her or not, she speaks for us. It is about time someone did....with no quibbles.

Ron| 12.10.09 @ 8:25PM

God help us, I don't think there is any hope for us. The lunatics are running the show.

Richard Baker| 12.13.09 @ 9:29AM

What's next? A bag at the rear of every cow, horse, and every other barnyard/pastured critter for flatulence? These people are absolutely insane. If someone in an insane asylum spoke like this, they'd continue the Thorazine.

C.K. Amos| 12.13.09 @ 1:09PM

We must stop this politicized-science-based anti-humanist eco-religion.

Perhaps lawsuits are one way, especially for EPA's endangerment finding and the ensuing regulations.

But perhaps we also need to write to everyone imaginable and talk to as many people about the impacts of the climate-warmist-advocates.

Calling them insane is not enough.

But we're the insane ones if we let them get away with this fraud, which appears to be on the order of the Piltdown Man.

B H| 12.13.09 @ 3:43PM

The irresponsibility of the EPA needs to be addressed by defunding them from government money and making them a private enterprise.
They will be out of business within a year, we can revert to common sense methods of maintaining a clean environment and the hot air being forced upon the world will be eliminated.
Fight these fools, whatever it takes!

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