Friends, you’ve probably wondered how on earth you were going to get through Washington, D.C. to celebrate the coronation inauguration of President-Elect Barack Hillary Obama. Well, we consulted with the greatest graphic artists in the world, and they told us to get lost because they knew who we were and they voted for Obama. (Yes, even the ones outside the country.) But we persevered, secured a pirated version of Photoshop, and after several weeks of re-reading the online tutorials (and watching some videos), we finally figured out what the heck a “layer” was. Srsly dudez, graphic art is hard.

Here’s what you need to get by in a city gone loco:

Forget the Washington Post map, and please print out this map and bring it with you when you come to Washington. It’s got more words than the Secret Service map. More importantly, it was given to you by ideological bedfellows, meaning you don’t have to be afraid of subliminal Communist cartography.

Hope you have a good time. We here at AmSpec will be sipping mojitos somewhere where there is not an overwhelming number of liberals in a crowd cheering on their Great Leader. So, obviously, we’re not going to be in California. Perhaps Florida? Whatever. We just need to rest up because we’re going to be very, very busy for the next 4-to-8-years-but-dear-God-hopefully-not-12-or-16-or,-oh-man,-we-may-never-win-an-election-again. Barkeep! Another mojito!

UPDATE: I realize I should have included a designated yoga zone and a few Whole Foods concession stands. Mea culpa.