With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy for appropriating his form, I submit what I hope is a useful guide for those who aren’t exactly sure which American political party they should identify with. Please take this discriminating test before Nov. 3. It should clarify things for you.
If you believe America is systemically racist and all white Americans should engage in abject mea culpas, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe Buffy and Skylar should be able to idle at university for years in order to earn a degree in vegetarian studies at taxpayer expense, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe the mainstream news media are objective purveyors of truth and speak truth to power, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe Donald Trump is a racist and Al Sharpton is a civil rights leader, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe the COVID virus spreads promiscuously at church services but not during urban riots, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe national borders are racist and xenophobic and anyone who wishes to crash our gates should be escorted directly to the nearest supervisor of elections office to register to vote before picking up a welfare check, six months’ worth of food stamps, and a certificate of citizenship, you might be a Democrat.
If you think Joe Biden knows how to cure America’s ills and are not curious why in eight years he never told Barack Obama, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe police officers should be treated as criminals and criminals treated as victims, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe Joe Biden’s professed Catholicism is a résumé builder, but Amy Coney Barrett’s is a disqualifier, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe the recent slight warming of the planet is a threat to our very existence rather than just part of the up-and-down cycles that have occurred as long as the planet has existed, and that somehow politicians and bureaucrats could devise a planetary thermostat so that all parts of Earth will be at the proper temperature, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe a six-foot-tall person with an X and Y chromosome, a five o’clock shadow at three o’clock and an Adam’s apple the size of a real apple can get up one morning feeling girlish, sing a couple of choruses of “I feel pretty,” and bingo, he’s a she, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe history can and should be adjusted to suit current progressive fads, you might be a Democrat.
If you wish to abolish police and replace them with social workers, psychotherapists, and yoga instructors, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe that “endangered” worms, bugs, and plants should be saved at all cost but unborn human children are expendable, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico, and any place else that promises two more Democrat senators until the end of time should become states, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe small business owners should be obliged to pay a 16-year-old $600 a week ($15 times 40) to sweep the floors, you may be a Democrat.
If you think professors and various government experts can organize your life and make all your important decisions better than you can, you may be a Democrat.
If you believe anyone making more money than you do should pay more in taxes so you can enjoy your fair share of what he has worked for, you might be a Democrat.
If you think conservative, straight, white males are the cause of every bad thing that has happened in the history of the world, and they should be cast into outer darkness, you might be a Democrat.
If you think personal liberty, including freedom of speech, is so 20th century, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe every trace of religiosity must be scrubbed from the public square, to be replaced by any crackpot political philosophy that comes down the pike, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe men and women are interchangeable, just undifferentiated persons, and that women make just as good warriors as men, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe the riots, arson, looting, and shooting in Portland, Seattle, and Minneapolis were caused by Donald Trump while the mayors, city council members, police chiefs, and prosecutors in those cities were just innocent bystanders, then you might be a Democrat.
If you believe felons, who can’t be bothered to obey the law, should vote to determine who makes and administers those laws, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe wind and solar can replace fossil fuels as a reliable and relatively inexpensive source of energy, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe Black Lives Matter, not the unassailable sentiment but the Marxist organization, really just wants equity between the races rather than revolution, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe all health care, as well as anything anyone can decide that they need, or just want, should be provided to all at taxpayers’ expense, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe the United Nations is a serious organization that has promoted world peace and its resolutions carry more weight than a note passed in study hall, you might be a Democrat.
If you believe blocking roads, throwing rocks and bottles at police and civilians, starting fires, looting, and intimidating anyone you don’t think shares your mania is “mostly peaceful protest,” you might be a Democrat.
If you believe law-abiding citizens are too incompetent and irresponsible to own guns and that taking guns away from them will do something positive about reducing gun violence, you might be a Democrat.
If you’ve answered yes to two or more of the above, you are a Democrat. And God help us all. The list, by the way, is selective rather than exhaustive. There are plenty of other indicators, but I had to stop somewhere. And the point should be clear enough by now. The current Democrat Party is where the rubber meets the sky. And if you don’t believe that, you might be a Democrat.
