More snow is coming to the mid-Atlantic region. It’s not supposed to be a lot. But we really have had enough snow to last a lifetime. Other than the beneficial impact of shutting down Washington, nothing positive can be said about the approaching fifth storm in a couple of weeks.
Obviously the snow gods are angry.
People have tried to stop the storms by begging, screaming, and crying. Nothing has worked. It’s time to try a new tactic. Human sacrifice.
I don’t make the suggestion lightly. But it turns out that there are people who enjoy this horrid white crap that covers my house, lawn, driveway, and sidewalk. Which fills parking lots and road shoulders. And which still impedes travel on most roads.
No way, says Anita Boice: “I don’t think I have a breaking point with snow. I love all this snow.”
Boice, a Coast Guard field biologist from Woodbridge, is a rare breed of Washingtonian: She’s not just excited about predictions of more snow on Monday, she’s rooting for the region to become absolutely buried. Again. “Feets and feets of snow!” Boice says hopefully. “I know a lot of people hate it. My mom hates it. And there’s bad parts to getting this much snow. But you’ve gotta enjoy it.”
Let most everyone else mutter “sno mas” from behind these enormous drifts; Boice and her fellow winter-weather geeks want nothing more than, well . . . more.
“As long as we’ve already set the record, let’s keep going and get it as high as possible,” says Brian DeCorla-Souza. At home in Alexandria, he’s been analyzing the latest weather prediction models and comparing notes on the Internet with other amateur forecasters and some professional meteorologists. Major accumulation is looking unlikely; three inches or less seems probable, DeCorla-Souza sighs.
Amazing. Who are these misanthropes? These enemies of humanity?
As a family website, I can’t express what I really think of these people. But I do have a solution.
The snow gods obviously are angry and must be propitiated. Who better to sacrifice than the people who enjoy snow, who revel in the monstrous deluge from the sky?!
I won’t mention any names, though the Washington Post article is a good place to start. Anyone who announces to hundreds of thousands of people around him that he or she likes snow is, well, asking for it.
And most of us probably know of secret snow lovers, people who fear public retribution so they keep quiet about how much they enjoy mountains of white stuff all around. It’s time to identify the miscreants and impose proper punishments.
How many must go? However many it takes to get Mother Nature to stop. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What if it doesn’t work? Well, no worries. It still would be satisfying to shut up those who really, truly, do enjoy the white stuff!