For President Obama 2014 could hardly have been worse but for humorists — especially those of us who take delight in the inept, the corrupt, the gutless and the rest of the political world — it wasn’t bad at all.
JANUARY had barely when the tone for the year was set by two voluptuous PETA ladies, clad only in bikinis made of lettuce. The two, protesting in behalf of vegetarianism, chose to do so outdoors. In Minneapolis, at 9:30 a.m., when it was about 4⁰ F. In a related event, the Russian ship Akademik Shokalskiy (which means “grade inflator”) — sent to the Antarctic to study the effects of global warming — became stuck in the ice, as did the Chinese ship sent to rescue its crew. Global warming continued to stun the world in the January 5th game between the Packers and the Forty-Niners which was played at a temperature of +5⁰ F, and sank from there.
De facto Secretary of State Dennis Rodman sang “Happy Birthday, Dear Leader” to Kim Jong Loon, which New Joisey Gov. Corpus Christie mistook for good wishes directed at him. Giving his Checkers speech on January 9, Corpus set a record for the use of personal pronouns while confessing he was a victim of a September 2012 plot to close lanes on the GW Bridge to people from Fort Lee, an act of revenge against Fort Lee’s mayor for not endorsing Corpus’s re-election campaign. Kim called Corpus to tell him that the next time he should have one of the mayor’s uncles shot instead of closing bridge lanes.
Not to be left out in January’s cold, the “Military Channel” decided to eliminate the word “Military” in its name so that it could focus on other American heroes such as Nancy Pelosi, Jane Fonda, and Rahm Emanuel.
A man dumped a truckload of horse manure outside the French Parliament. Taking this to be a challenge, the governors of Texas, Colorado, and Wyoming sent out a nationwide call pleading for donations in kind because, even with the combined product of all three states, a proportional delivery to the U.S. Congress would fall short of the needed volume.
New hope for lousy authors was announced by a gang at MIT who have created a “wearable” book. The “book” is in the form of a vest that restricts breathing, changes temperature, and otherwise relieves the author of the burden of evoking emotional responses from the reader. The vest was reportedly developed under a grant from the New York Times and MSNBC.
Former Choom Gang member Barack Obama declared that marijuana was no more dangerous than alcohol, prompting NFL fans attending the Denver-Seattle Super Bowl to indulge as both cities have legalized the weed. No one knows who won because not only the fans, but the players, the refs, and the broadcasters were engulfed in cannabis smoke. Meanwhile, the Keebler elves went on strike at their Colorado bakery over working conditions. Management had them working twelve-hour shifts to keep up with the demand for marijuana-laced oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
In recognition of older people’s cognition, the Daily Telegraph published the news of a new medical study that proved that older people take longer to recall information because their brains are crammed with their lifetimes’ accumulated information. Elderly brains, concluded the study, act like any computers with mostly-full hard drives: they take longer to retrieve data. That’s my story, your honor, and I’m sticking to it.
Demands for reform of the NSA’s data-gathering program gained steam when it was revealed that the NSA and its Brit counterparts were using the “Angry Birds” game to get passwords and other personal information. Sen. John McClown (WTF-Ariz.) demanded to know if NSA could track the time he spent playing the game. The Pentagon announced that it would henceforth allow military members to wear religious garb such as beards and turbans, prompting the mass resignation of Marine Corps drill sergeants. The indispensable reporters at The Duffel Blog reported that the members of the new Juggalo religion — followers of a god called the “Insane Clown Posse” — would be included so that they could wear John McClown masks.
FEBRUARY began with a CBS-Vanity Fair poll that found Bill Clinton was the “most forgivable liar” to a plurality of Americans. That followed on nicely from the December finding that Obama’s oft-repeated promise that “If you like your health insurance, you can keep your health insurance,” was the lie of the year in 2013.
The Super Bowl was otherwise insignificant except for Joe Willie’s huge fur coat that outraged the girls at PETA. Mr. Namath said that they can be mad and it’s not the end of the world. Sheldon Adelson immediately funded a Namath for President Super PAC. The otherwise impecunious band impersonators going by the name “Skinny Puppy” billed the Pentagon $666,000 for the use of its music, saying that it had been played to torture prisoners. The newly appointed spokesman for Gitmo inmates, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, said that the band’s songs (which include such classics as “Deep Down Trauma Hounds”) are easier to bear than recordings of Obama’s speeches.
Hillary’s former spokeslady, Victoria Nuland, fell victim to the Peter Principle. Having been appointed our ambassadress to the European Union, she was promptly recorded saying “F*** the EU,” which, if not good diplomacy, is at least an admirable sentiment. The Sochi Olympics was notable for only a few events, beginning with the fact that the Russian FSB (successor in interests to the KGB) was monitoring every cell phone and computer at the event to the surprise of every American reporter in attendance. Some playful Russian experimented in locking American athletes in the bathroom while their competitions were taking place, but the trial failed when bobsledder Johnny Quinn exited by taking advantage of Russian-quality building materials, bashing a very large hole in the door with his bare hands and escaping through it.
NBC pleased its Russian hosts with a glowing report that said, in part, “Russia transcends. Through every stage of its story, it’s resisted any notion of limitation. Through every reinvention, only redoubling its effort to cast the towering presence. The empire that ascended to affirm a colossal footprint. The revolution that birthed one of modern history’s pivotal experiments…” —which “pivotal experiment” was responsible for somewhere between 10 and 20 million murders.
On a related note, we celebrated February 10th by noting that an Iraqi suicide bomb instructor killed himself and twenty of his attentive students by accidentally detonating a sample bomb. Global warmists predicted that there will soon be only three places cold enough to hold the Winter Olympics. Given that two are in Canada and one is in Siberia, we may — at long last — see an end to curling. Secretary of State Kerry said that global warming was as great a threat as terrorism and weapons of mass destruction. Iranian President Rouhani was asked to respond to Kerry’s statement, but was so convulsed in laughter he was unable to do so.
The highlight of the month occurred in Geneva, not as part of Vichy John Kerry’s Syria negotiations but when an Ethiopian Airlines jet was hijacked by its own co-pilot and forced to land there. No Swiss Air Force aircraft were scrambled to intercept it because, as an SAF spokesman explained, “Switzerland cannot intervene because its airbases are closed at night and on the weekend.”
A hitherto unknown person named Joe Biden — who claims to be Vice President — challenged Obama to a basketball game saying, “I may be a white boy, but I can jump.” Later in the month, the Gaffe-o-matic told a reporter that after he came out for gay marriage in 2010, Obama “gave me every s*** job in the world.” If Joey had studied the history of his office, he’d have known John Nance Garner’s quote, in which one of FDR’s veeps described the job as not being worth a bucket of warm urine.
As the month ended, Russian Prime Minister Medvedev emerged from Vlad Putin’s shadow for enough time to award a new Mercedes-Benz to each of Russia’s Olympic medalists at the Sochi games. Those, such as skaters 15-year old Julia Lipnitskaia and 17-year-old Adelina Sotnikova, who don’t yet have drivers’ licenses, were also awarded drivers. Said one of the cuties, “And the funnest part is that we even know these guys. They are skaters, too, fer sure. They just didn’t win medals.”
As MARCH began, we were treated to another lesson in the importance of Western opinion and American strength in the “global community” when Bad Vlad Putin worried over Obama’s admonitions about not invading Ukraine so much that Putin was observed lashing himself with birch twigs after he exited a sauna, smiling. On Oscar night, we were benefited by the wisdom of MSNBC’s Howard Fineman who — writing of Russia’s seizure of the Crimea — tweeted that the Oscars proved to be as powerful as Putin’s invasion of Ukraine. Fineman said that was because they showed the cultural diversity and creativity of the U.S. under Obama. While trying to join Putin in a chorus of “Singing in Ukraine,” Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (Moonbat-TX) took to the House floor to praise the Republican leadership for allowing a deliberative constitutional discussion and express her gratitude that the Constitution had lasted 400 years.
When Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 disappeared, CNN finally shifted from wall-to-wall coverage of Corpus Christie’s George Washington Bridge lane closing scandal to wall-to-wall coverage of the missing airliner. One CNN host, in a last-ditch attempt to raise CNN’s ratings into positive numbers, said that the airliner’s disappearance was a supernatural event. He later opined that the aircraft might have disappeared into a cosmic black hole.
We have no idea what significance can be attributed to the report from one Dr. Grant Fowler of Texas that the first week of March Madness was the most popular week of the year for vasectomies. Meanwhile, one news report said that a shipyard in Iran was building a 2/3-size mockup of the USS Nimitz. The Iranian “ship” is apparently a barge over 600 feet long with a mock flight deck, mock aircraft, and even the Nimitz’s number, 68, painted on the phony superstructure. The Iranians reportedly planned to make a media event of sinking it, at which they would undoubtedly be vastly more successful than if they tried to sink the original.
As the month came to a close, the Los Angeles Times featured a story that struck fear throughout the liberal media. As the BBC reported, the story was written by a computer called “Quakebot” and stated the bare bones facts of a local small quake. You could — even outside L.A. — feel the quaking fear that tore through the liberal media when they realized that they had no skills beyond those of the Quakebot. Any robot that can be programmed to write that conservatives are bad, extremist, nincompoops and that liberals are diverse, good, and moderate could do everything that these slobs do. Unemployment beckons.
APRIL began with the announcement that the city of Chicago was changing its name to Obamagrad. Soon after, the moderate, gentle president of Iran nominated one Hamid Aboutalebi as the new Iranian ambassador to the United Nations. Mr. Aboutalebi’s credentials include membership in the group of student terrorists who took the staff of the U.S. Embassy in Tehran hostage in 1979. The State Department immediately furrowed its collective brow, thought about how badly Obama wanted his nuke deal with Iran, and approved Mr. Aboutalebi’s visa. Mr. Aboutalebi has not yet made public his plans to take hostages at the UN, which really isn’t worth the effort.
Retiring Rep. Jim Moron (D-of course, VA, regrettably) briefly made headlines by telling CQ Roll Call that Congress is underpaid. He added, “I understand that it’s widely felt that they underperform, but the fact is that this is the board of directors for the largest economic entity in the world.” CNN reported Moron’s remarks as a supernatural event and noted that Congress had a great resemblance to a black hole. In a related report, the Obama administration labeled methane — emitted from both ends of cows — twenty times more damaging to the environment than carbon dioxide and initiated a program to create the “cow of the future, a next-generation creature whose greenhouse gas emissions would be cut by anti-methane pills, burp scanners and gas backpacks,” according to a Financial Times report.
Afghanistan’s presidential elections were disrupted when the candidates — former Foreign Minister Abdullah Abdullah and former Finance Minister Ashraf Ghani — were both found to be addicted to crack cocaine. The runoff election resumed when election officials determined that no one who wasn’t addicted to crack would run for the job.
MAY began quietly, at least by Washington standards. The revelation that the White House Deputy National Security Adviser Ben Rhodes had concocted the whole “blame it on the video” Benghazi scam finally forced House Squeaker John Boehner to form a special select committee to investigate the Benghazi scandal. Boehner announced it by saying, “We are going to get to the bottom of this, no matter how long it takes and no matter how much evidence we have to ignore.” In a related event, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford disappeared after having been videotaped smoking crack. CNN reported that he had been abducted by aliens. Ford’s spokesman tut-tutted about the fact that the video was recorded by Ford’s drug dealer, asking “What kind of world is it when you can’t trust your own drug dealer?”
The highlight of the year so far occurred when Tommy Vietor, former Obama National Security Council spokesman, responded to a Bret Baier question about Benghazi by saying, “Dude, that was, like, two years ago.” Then the story broke on CNN that Vietor was selected to the New York Times editorial board in appreciation of his having been kidnapped by space aliens.
Scientists announced that they had created a living organism from artificial DNA. Though, so far, they’ve only succeeded in creating a microbe, plans were announced to create teenagers who could communicate without sending text messages, baseball players allergic to steroids, and Steve Jobs 2.0. In what we hope is an unrelated report, it was revealed that a former New York City cop convicted of conspiracy to kidnap, kill, and eat women has been retrained and is now serving food to fellow inmates in jail.
The European Court of Justice, based in Luxembourg, ruled that people had a “right” to be forgotten, thus threatening a huge mound of costly litigation for Google and other Internet search engines. Reacting logically to the decision, Google and Bing issued a joint statement promising to forget Europe altogether. About a week later, there were no links to be found anywhere on the Internet leading to anything about Europe, including tourist maps, restaurant menus, and the European Union. The ECJ is considering emergency appeals by the governments of France and Germany while the EU is promising to pay for future appeals by Greece, Italy, and Spain, which can’t afford to hire lawyers.
After a New York Times editorial demanded equal pay for women, Pinch Sulzberger took the issue to heart. When Executive Editor Jill Abramson demanded the same pay as her male predecessors, Pinch fired her.
Karl Rove got it wrong again, claiming Hillary had suffered a traumatic brain injury. Rove apparently doesn’t understand that liberalism is a mental disorder that is attributable only to nurture, not nature or violence. Bubba casually explained that his wife had taken six months of hard work to recover from a concussion, but that she’d never been dain bramaged.
JUNE began quietly, but near mid-month a dastardly Chinese plan to drive Americans insane was revealed by a news announcement that the famed/infamous MG brand was going to be revived in China and the cars exported to the United States. The MG — best remembered for cars such as the MGA and MGB — was formerly manufactured by British Leyland in brief periods between labor walkouts. They were, of course, enormous fun when they worked, which wasn’t often. An almost reliable source told Loose Canons that the production specifications and manufacturing skills of Chinese workers were specially developed to ensure that the new MG’s would be just as much fun as the old ones and even less reliable. Those of us who were crazy enough to buy an MGB while in college can rest assured that the new ones will have the same stellar maintenance and reliability as the 1950-1970s versions. I have already told my wife that if I ever try to buy one she needs to have me kidnapped and keep me in a place where I can’t hurt myself.
June tottered on to a conclusion that saw our Secretary of the Air Force, Ms. Debbie Lee James, distinguish herself yet again. Mizz Secretary decided to go play with the big boys and arranged to fly with the world-famous Thunderbirds, the Air Force’s team of aerial stuntmen. She became violently ill in her oxygen mask and had to have the pilot return to the ground. There is a metaphor for Obama’s entire defense policy in there somewhere.
Before June mercifully disappeared, British Environment Secretary Owen Paterson came to the United States to lobby for an end to the ban on U.S. imports of haggis. For those who haven’t partaken in the Edinburgh businessman’s lunch of haggis, ’neeps, and tatties (haggis, turnips, and potatoes) you have missed the great treat of a boiled sheep’s stomach filled with sheep’s heart, lungs, and liver, simmered with onion, oatmeal, suet, and spices. It smells like two-week-old liver, is twice as appetizing, and is a comprehensive self-justification for the import ban.
JULY began promisingly when someone posted a photo on Facebook of movie director Steven Spielberg sitting next to an apparently dead dinosaur and a note saying it was the “Disgraceful photo of recreational hunter happily posing next to a Triceratops he just slaughtered.” Many people who use Facebook as a news source immediately filled the site with serious attacks on Spielberg for his cruelty to animals. Please remember that these peoples’ votes count just as much as yours. The whacky geniuses at the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency decided to prove U.S. snipers’ claim that if you run you’ll only die tired. They announced their new guided small arms cartridge called “EXACTO,” not for the knife but for “Extreme Accuracy Tasked Ordnance.” Without getting into geeky details, it allows our sniper guys to guide the bullet through wind, dust, and all sorts of interference to kill whatever they aim at.
Three stories came together nicely in the second week of July. Greenpeace co-founder Dr. Patrick Moore told the Ninth International Conference on Climate Change that he feared global cooling. He noted that the U.S. has been cooling for nearly 18 years, saying that carbon dioxide is not the control knob of Earth’s climate, but the most important nutrient for life on Earth. The very next day, the Washington Post forecast that we’d be visited by a summertime “polar vortex” the following week, dropping summer temperatures by up to 30 degrees. That was accompanied by a Washington Examiner report that Secretary of State Chauncey Gardner was in Beijing signing eight global warming agreements with the Chinese, including a “joint carbon capture” pact, apparently trying to impose Obama’s cap-and-trade scam by executive agreement. In this version, China would capture the world’s carbon by greater oil imports and the Obama regime would hike the domestic price of energy by 50 percent.
When Hillary’s latest memoir, Hard Choices, was released, its sales were quickly diminished by the smirking photo on the cover. She adopted two conflicting theories of writing: those of Winston Churchill — who predicted that history would be kind to him because he intended to write it — and Woody Allen, who said that 80 percent of success is just showing up. Clinton tried to convince us of her record of global successes but only proved that she showed up everywhere and jawboned almost everyone, including Vlad Putin, who only paid attention when she talked about saving Siberian tigers. There is nothing in the book to show anyone actually listened to her.
July’s end didn’t come before that of comic strip character Archie, who died trying to save the life of his homosexual friend (a gun control advocate). If that weren’t enough lefty nonsense from the comic book writers, Thor underwent a sex change operation and became a muscle-bound gal. One slightly reliable source told us that other changes were planned for Spring 2015, including the marriage of Batman and Robin being shaken by Batgirl’s news that she is a transgender boy, the revelation that Alfred E. Neuman is really Al Gore, and the premier of a new comic book heroine named “SuperHillary.”
Montana Dem Sen. John Walsh — who is serving out a term of some already-forgotten predecessor — was caught having plagiarized a lot of his Army War College master’s thesis. He promptly said it was all a mistake, and blamed it on post-traumatic stress disorder. Walsh, whose thesis advocated democratization of the Middle East, is reportedly being treated for neoconservatism at a Washington clinic.
AUGUST is usually a hot, dull month and this year’s edition was no exception. It began with author Ronald Kessler’s revelation in a new book that Joe Biden loves to skinny dip. Mr. Kessler should be fined for giving us more information than we should have to endure. The month began warmly for veterans in Rep. Julia Brownley’s California district. Brownley sent out a political mailer showing women in uniform to prove Mizz Brownley’s support for the military. Unfortunately, one of the women pictured was a model wearing a uniform apparently cobbled together from spare parts bought an Army-Navy store. The model was attired in what looked like Navy whites, but her hat featured a WW2 German Luftwaffe badge. Veterans laughed, though Frau Braunley, a typical Dem, wasn’t embarrassed.
Other politicians vying for the low IQ award included Harry Reid (who said that the Hobby Lobby decision was rendered by five white men, including Clarence Thomas in the gender count) and Joe Biden (who proclaimed Africa a nation). The competition continues.
Mr. Mischa Badasyan, a performance artist, vowed to have sex with a different person every day for a year. His photo gives rise to the question of how many women could possibly be that desperate.
Burger King announced it would be moving its corporate domicile to Canada, in a move financed by Obama fan Warren Buffett, to flee America’s 35 percent corporate tax rate, the developed world’s highest. Corporate re-flagging will continue, as our “leader” refuses to even consider lowering tax rates to compete with countries that are more welcoming to businesses. In a possibly unrelated report, the sale of marijuana-laced sodas has skyrocketed in places where pot is legal. Meanwhile, a political scandal erupted in Australia when 400 garden gnomes were stolen. CNN’s Don Lemon reported that they were kidnapped by aliens for unnatural acts. Is there any natural act possible with gnomes or, for that matter, Don Lemon?
SEPTEMBER started off with that question unresolved, but Ol’ Joe Biden answered another when he proclaimed that it was “time to take America back.” Indeed it is, but it’s from him and his boss that it needs to be retaken. A bunch of photos showing Howlywood personalities in the nude were leaked on the Internet, prompting a huge debate about how to prevent that from happening. No one conceived of the idea of not posing for nude photographs.
After the beheading of two American journalists by the humanitarians of ISIS, O.J. Simpson, who nearly beheaded his wife, decided to become a Muslim. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, ISIS’ caliph, reportedly rejected Simpson’s application saying, “Even we have some standards.” Meanwhile, the uber-snooty chef at a Florida chow hall, “Mad Fresh Bistro,” decided to ban ketchup, but apparently would still accept Simpson as a customer.
In an apparently related event, the city of Berserkely, California announced a policy of providing free marijuana to lower income residents, which a city ordinance defines as anyone who makes less than $32,000 a year or is too stoned to be able to count that high. Joe Biden, eagerly pursuing women’s votes for 2016, said at a feminist conference that he really missed Bob Packwood. Packwood, an Oregon senator until he was forced to resign in 1995 for harassing women, was made famous by his practice of standing on a woman’s toes so she couldn’t flee his kisses.
It was revealed that a State Department whistleblower named Raymond Maxwell — one of the few bureaucrats fired in the aftermath of the Benghazi scandal — one Sunday came across a document shredding party being held by Hillary’s top staff for the purpose of ensuring that nothing embarrassing to the “Seventh Floor” — where the Sec State’s office is located — would be turned over to Congress. Trey Gowdy’s first hearing on the Benghazi mess didn’t call Wallace as a witness. There are no plans for Maxwell to testify or otherwise give evidence, for fear that something might actually be uncovered that would conflict with Hillary’s presidential ambitions.
On September 22, NASA scientists were puzzled when their Mars probe successfully entered orbit around the red planet. That wasn’t the mystery, but the fact that someone had named the orbiter “Maven.” An intense investigation by the NASA inspector general revealed that by winning a prize during a tour of Cape Canaveral, Mrs. Bertha Rabinowitz won the right to name not only that spacecraft but three others as well. She named the next three space probes “Schmaltz,”, “Latkes,” and “Tsuris.” Reached for comment, Mrs. Rabinowitz said, “What, you have a problem with that? Don’t bother me. I have to start cooking for Thanksgiving.”
After a long media cover-up, it was finally revealed that on Groundhog Day — February 2 — Noo Yawk’s new mayor, socialist sleazeball Bill de Blasio, tried to hold the Staten Island Zoo’s groundhog for a picture and dropped the animal. It died a week later of injuries incurred in the fall.
When a man jumped the White House fence and managed to run through the president’s home via an unlocked door, it appeared that the Secret Service was becoming a Mickey Mouse outfit. That was confirmed as a policy goal by Secret Service Director Julia Pierson, who testified in congressional hearing that she thought the Secret Service should be run more like Disney World. She had worked there as a costumed cartoon character while in high school and spent her Secret Service career in budget and personnel offices. We are reminded of the sage comment some years ago by Inspector Harry Callahan who, upon being reassigned temporarily from homicide to personnel, exclaimed, “Personnel? That’s for a**holes!” One of the cartoon figures involved — Pierson, not Mickey Mouse — subsequently resigned.
When OCTOBER finally arrived, the Pentagon — with wars ongoing in Iraq, Afghanistan, and a half dozen other places infested by two-legged Islamist rats — found time to issue its “2014 Climate Change Adaptation Roadmap” which promised to include climate change considerations in all defense planning and operations. An otherwise reliable source, whose name ends with the initials “USMC,” had a typical reaction to the “Roadmap,” which — when the expletives were deleted — left us with no words to quote.
By mid-month, a man named SABO — the only conservative artist in California, and probably anywhere else, for that matter — created and hung “Hillary 2016” posters for all to see. They featured the flying monkeys from “The Wizard of Oz” and were, quite shockingly, regarded as the first example of truth in campaigning for the next presidential election.
Meanwhile, even before the oil price drop took hold, Moody’s Investors Service downgraded Russia’s credit rating, blaming it on the continuing crisis in Ukraine. Vladimir Putin promptly annexed Moody’s and declared it “an independent state eager to join the Russia Federation.” No comment was obtained from Moody’s executives who were reportedly in transit to a new seaside resort being built for them on the Kola Peninsula.
The Corpus, Gov. Christie, reportedly kicked off his 2016 presidential campaign by playing to his strong suit. He said, “It’s time to start offending people,” which — though it’s not much of a slogan — will play better with Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart than with voters in early primary states. Corpus’s campaign ideas may soon rub off on cars. Reuters reported that self-driving cars had managed to speak to each other. An Acura RLX reportedly “towed” another car by instructing it to follow at a close but safe distance. But our sources say that when the second car got too close, the Acura’s artificial intelligence computer suddenly stopped, causing the other car to ram into its rear. The “towed” car then backed up repeatedly and rammed the Acura. Our sources say that one car had New York plates and the other had New Jersey plates. Just as the cops arrived, both cars began blowing their horns incessantly.
Our Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction (yes, there is one, and no one can envy him his gawdawful job) revealed that we had spent $3.6 million to provide better television sports coverage among the Pashtuns and other tribes. Perhaps the fervor of the “bushkashi” game — in which playful Afghanis play a sort of polo with a ball or the severed head of an enemy — will preoccupy the Taliban so that they forget to reoccupy the country. I don’t know what to make of the action of the Department of Homeland Security’s action. They sent two burly musclemen into a Kansas City lingerie store to seize quantities of panties that the owner had produced. Seems that the D’OHs guys alleged that the aforementioned undergarments — emblazoned with Kansas City Royals logos — violated a copyright the Royals wanted to enforce. We have no information on whether the panties were distributed to the D’OH’s agents’ wives and girlfriends or whether they were large enough to fit the agents themselves. They may have missed the report that the U.S. was enjoying the coolest year on record, which Algore immediately dismissed as government disinformation.
Just when we thought it was safe to ignore the White House for a few days, one of the Obama pajama kiddies told a reporter for the Atlantic that they thought Israeli PM Netanyahu was “chickens***,” making it clear that in the context the epithet was applied, it meant “coward.” Obama’s young life was spent as a member of the “Choom Gang,” smoking dope, whining and dining with the academic elite. Netanyahu’s young life was spent as a member of the elite Israeli “Sayeret Matkal,” an army unit much like our Delta Force, and in other units at the point of the spear. Further elaboration on the matter is as pointless as arguing any other factual matters with any liberal.
NOVEMBER was a fun month, even if you ignore the election results (which Republican leaders in Congress vowed immediately to do). President Obama, having been the recipient of a memorable whuppin’, decided to refuse to recognize the results and declared himself emperor.
Researchers at Johns Hopkins and the University of Nebraska released a study which found that humans infected with an algae virus — never before studied — were less able to pay attention and scored lower in ability to process visual information. In short, algae virus made them dumber. Reince Priebus, head of the RNC, immediately ordered algae virus tests for Boehner, McConnell, and the rest.
Meanwhile, in its effort to nullify the effects of the election, the Obama administration issued a new “Joint Publication” on detainee operations. Part of the change in attitude from those olden days when we believed terrorists to be the enemy, the 13 November document changes the term “illegal enemy combatants” to “unprivileged enemy belligerents.” One Pentagon source told us that they will issue another change next year to label them “underprivileged nasty boys” and make any remaining at Gitmo eligible for Obamacare.
As November closed, we learned — thanks to the new Exodus movie — that the real reason the Jews were able to flee the Pharaoh’s Egypt was that Moses’s alter ego was Batman.
DECEMBER was real fun. It began with French jihadists who had joined ISIS complaining that they couldn’t find a convenient way to charge their iPads, causing them to return home. Former champion of the poor and resident of a million-dollar Washington, D.C. manor house, Sen. Mary Landrieu of Louisiana, was the final Dem to be tossed out of the Senate this year.
President Obama sought to quash the idea that his foreign policy was founded on the principle “don’t do stupid s***,” nominating two stellar diplomats to ambassadorships. The Harry Reid Senate quickly confirmed them, among the crowd of louts, idiots and four-flushers they acted on. Standing out from the crowd were Mizz Colleen Bell and Mr. George Tsunis. Mizz Bell, formerly producer of the TV soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful, was the subject of a question that stumped the president’s press secretary. Joshing Earnestly, he couldn’t come up with a single reason she could be regarded as qualified for the job. Mr. Tsunis’s tsuris came in his confirmation hearing when he dilated extensively on the brilliance of Norway’s president, the nation to which he will represent America. Apparently, he didn’t know that Norway is a constitutional monarchy and doesn’t have a president.
Bell and Tsunis were honors graduates from the Obama School for Diplomats — usually run by someone named Nathan Detroit — at the University of Texas at Austin. On December 3, the Associated Press reported that about 100 brains were missing from the school, including that of Charles Whitman, the long-dead Texas tower murderer. Two of the brains, each labeled “Abby Normal,” were found having been stolen by Obama administration representatives for transplantation into Bell and Tsunis.
Mizz Hillary said she’s still undecided on running for president, so her “Stand Up for Hillary” super-PAC released a country-western ballad video in which a man sings that the boys oughta get together and “smash this [glass] ceiling” (showing a man taking a hammer a large pane of glass). The singer goes on to croon that Hillary “fights for country and family” so it’s time to stand up with her. Which brought about a wave of nausea that probably won’t pass until weeks after the 2016 election.
On a much more positive note, a distant encounter between two men in Austin, Texas turned out remarkably well. One Larry McWilliams went on a shooting spree, firing about 100 rounds from an AK-47 and a .22 rifle around town before being spotted by police Sgt. Adam Johnson. While holding the reins of two horses in one hand, Sgt. Johnson used his other hand to fire a single shot from his service weapon and hit McWilliams — center mass — at a distance of 312 feet, which was one helluva shot. Neither Al Sharpton nor President Obama went to Austin to protest the shooting.
After airing a show called, “Eaten Alive” — which was supposed to show a man being eaten by a huge snake — Discovery Channel fans were outraged when the man wasn’t actually eaten, just partially swallowed and then rescued by his crew. Perhaps seeking to satiate those fans, Sony Pictures was eaten by Kim Jong Loon’s cyberwar team because Sony was planning to release The Interview, a movie that parodied the assassination of Kim, who wasn’t amused. Always eager to help, President Obama condemned Sony for cancelling the movie’s release and blamed the GOP for everything wrong in the world that isn’t traceable to George W. Bush whose brother Jeb is apparently running for president. As are Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, Ben Carson, John Kasich, Paul Ryan, Martin O’Malley, Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Rick Perry, Scott Walker, the Seven Dwarves, Bozo the Clown, Rachel Maddow, and several deceased Chicagoans. Oh, and Joe Biden.
Happy New Year, everyone.