April turns to May, and all of a sudden things have become very perilous for Vice President Joseph Biden. In the beginning of the month he was addressing the traditional Democratic groups—for instance the Women With Splitting Headaches International and the Stupid Students Society of Bull Snort, Georgia—and joshing it up in his incomparable way. Then inexplicably President Barack Obama sent him to UKRAINE! Not to North Korea, not to Somalia, not even to Chicago’s South Side on a Saturday night. Joe Six Pack was sent to Ukraine, there to threaten President Vladimir Putin and to eat Ukrainian cuisine whether he likes it or not. All the time he was there Joe seemed edgy. No jokes about Indians working at the local 7-Elevens, not a word about Mrs. Sarah Palin. He shied away from open second-story windows. He kept his Secret Service detail away from strong drink. And one had to wonder: Why did the president send gaffable Joe to Ukraine just as Russian troops were rumbling along the border and Russian goons were amok within its borders?
Is it possible that Our President had a presentiment of trouble ahead? Is he a little uneasy about the increasingly ominous stories about him in the New York Times, stories about his bungling efforts in Russia, with North Korea’s boy president Kim Jong-un, or the April 25 front page story declaring, “Obama Suffers Setbacks in Japan and the Mideast”? By sending his vice president to Ukraine was Our President attempting to ensure that the Democrat next in line for presidential succession was no more? Ukrainian cuisine alone could do it. At any rate, all was for naught. By late April Joe was back in the U.S. of A. and slipping into a dry pair of socks.
While on the matter of the Secret Service, Director Julia Pierson has demoted the supervisor of one of the service’s largest divisions and reassigned two dozen other agents in light of their recent mishaps involving abuse of alcohol. In an incident during the president’s recent visit to the Netherlands, an agent was found sleeping in a fetal position outside his hotel room. He had not even paused to put on his official Secret Service pajamas. What is it with these agents’ pathetic inability to hold their booze? And can they not settle on a designated driver? In Chile, lightning killed more than sixty cows, and bombs continued to rock Afghanistan and Iraq as both approached elections, Iraq at month’s end and Afghanistan’s in June. Miss Zeituni Onyango, President Barack Obama’s aunt often described as “the spirit of the Obama family,” actually did become a spirit. She passed away in South Boston after years of fighting deportation and other charges. According to family members, the president sent condolences, but could not attend her services owing to a prior commitment on the golf course.
In Las Vegas, Nevada, a woman threw a shoe at Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton as the former first lady mesmerized an audience at the annual meeting of the Institute of Scrap Recycling Industries. No one knows why the lady, identified as Miss Alison Ernst, 36, threw the shoe. It was a pretty nice shoe, and, at least on this occasion, Hillary already had two of her own. There will be more on this as news is available. Finally, after she survived the Scrap Recycling ambuscade Hillary was confronted by the most recent documents from Benghazi. On the last day of April, Judicial Watch made public documents that it had liberated from the Obama administration’s clutches. They show that the White House and State Department response to Benghazi was a political cover-up. As AmSpec revealed three issuesago, Hillary and Our President were both asleep for the proverbial “3 a.m.” telephone call, and Hillary had denied Ambassador J. ChristopherStevens’s continual pleas for increased security.
Nonetheless, Hillary has her supporters, and their numbers are growing. In Lufkin, Texas, a 37-year-old single mom, indignant by the low quality of marijuana she had purchased, called 911 and gave the responders a piece of her mind. Miss Evelyn Hamilton was promptly arrested. In Manhattan, Miss Latima Brown, 22, (another single mom?) became outraged when the manager of the famed Malibu Diner told her that her loud and profane 5:10 a.m. telephone call was excessive, and she “went ballistic,” punching him, smashing bottles, and spitting in his face. She too was arrested. Finally, in St. Petersburg, Florida, that woman who, naked save for a G-string, was filmed rampaging through a McDonald’s restaurant causing mayhem, has finally been identified. She is Sandra Suarez, 41, and she too is mad as hell. She also is another single mom. What is it with these single moms? Why can they not get along? Other angry women were in the news, though they were fully clothed. One was former health secretary Kathleen Sebelius who stepped down from her lofty position in a Rose Garden ceremony at which she did not let us down. She appeared at the podium, having forgotten the last page of her speech. Another was Miss Sylvia Mathews Burwell, Mrs. Sebelius’s replacement and the next person to perpetrate Obamacare on the nation.
Egypt will hold its presidential elections on May 26 and 27, though 683 Muslim Brotherhood members will not be voting. They have been condemned to death. In vegetarian news, an unidentified assailant attempted to rob two stores in Providence, Rhode Island, with a potato, or at least a gun carved out of a potato. He failed both times, though on the first try at a gas station the cashier handed over a fake $20 bill, which is illegal. The secret to Russian cheese’s distinctive taste was revealed when some lout made a video of employees at the Trade House Cheeses dipping their feet in vats of milk used for cheese. In fact, some of the employees were actually swimming in the milk buck naked. Whoever took the film is being branded as the Mr. Edward Snowden of Russia and a traitor to his nation’s cuisine.
In sports news, Mr. Jameis Winston of Florida State University, who won last year’s Heisman Trophy, was accused of shoplifting $32 worth of crab legs from a Tallahassee Publix. He never actually admitted to the crime or even to being hungry, yet he will do twenty hours of community service. Those two students at the University of Hawaii who were prevented from distributing provocative and lascivious literature on campus have decided to sue the university for violating their First Amendment rights. “It’s not about your rights in this case,” responded Ellen Kusano, the director of student affairs, “it’s about the University policy that you can’t approach people.” The students were “approaching” people with the United States Constitution. President George W. Bush apparently still haunts the American economy six years after he gave up office. In the first three months of this year the economy grew at a rate of merely 0.1 percent. Finally, there was this happy story: In Vatican City, Pope Francis proclaimed as saints Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII while Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI looked on. All in all it was a very happy day for popes and no one was shot.