March departed like a lamb with a warming trend in motion, and even the fierce Obama family mellowing. Mrs. Michelle Obama flew off to China to wow officials there with her sophisticated ways and chopstick dexterity. Also with little sermons like this one: “Many decades ago, there were actually laws in America that allowed discrimination against black people like me, who are a minority in the United States,” and, for that matter, in China too! Then there was President Barack Obama, who headed east to the Netherlands, Brussels, Rome, and Araby, where apparently no one could understand what he was saying. In Rome he said one thing and the pope apparently said another. Then he talked for an hour with Russia’s President Vladimir Putin, and again the United States’s transcript of the conversation said one thing and the Russians’ said another. Finally in Saudi Arabia Mr. Obama sat down with King Abdullah, who apparently suspects Our President of being “gullible” toward the outside world. Can you imagine the King thinking of our community organizer as gullible? Their conversation ended inconclusively. In Albuquerque, New Mexico, Mrs. Sheryl Claffy, 60, called the cops after her daughter, Miss Cara Claffy, 35, bashed her with a vibrator. Enough was enough.
The 86th annual Academy Awards were held in Hollywood, California, on March 2, despite the fact that the movie-going public declined yet again in 2013, this time by 1.5 percent. The decline has been going on for years, with the national audience having slipped by 11 percent since 2004. Analysts familiar with the subject do not know who exactly watches the Academy Awards, which were postponed a week to avoid conflict with the Winter Olympics and national preparations for Daylight Savings Time. However, social scientists have noted that the awards ceremony usually is accompanied by a marked reduction in violent crime and fewer acts of public sexual deviancy, so the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can still lay claim to public service. Miss Ellen DeGeneres served as Mistress of Ceremonies, and a movie entitled Gravity walked away with the majority of awards, though as we go to press little is known about the film. If the decline in the movie-going public continues, however, by 2020 the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will have to move its ceremony from a major network to CNN or possibly even MSNBC. In Tokyo, Japan, Mr. Mamoru Samuragochi, 50, who had for years claimed to suffer from deafness—much like the late Mr. Ludwig van Beethoven—while writing sonorous music for film, video games, and the concert hall, admitted at a press conference that his hearing is as clear as a bell. What is more, he admitted to not being able to write a note of music. He does not even whistle. A part-time music lecturer, Mr. Takashi Niigaki, who is given to strong drink, has written Mr. Samuragochi’s crap, which apparently has enraptured the island nation. Moreover, Mr. Samuragochi has a fungus infection on his left foot that has proven resistant to ointments and herbal medicines. Now he is being ridiculed throughout Japan as the Bernie Madoff of his country, and many former fans have destroyed even his bogus Symphony No. 1, the irresistible “Hiroshima.”
By the way, Bernie was again in the news last month when five of his employees were convicted of abetting his Ponzi scam. It appears that Mr. Madoff was even lying when he was confessing. He is serving a 150-year term for fraud, which will make him 221 years old when he is freed, and if justice is done the courts will tack on ten more years for lying while confessing. Germany’s environmental agency admitted that the country’s carbon admissions increased by 1.2 percent in 2013, despite that country’s enormous expenditure in subsidizing so-called renewable energy. Germany spent 16 billion euros last year subsidizing solar panels and windmills, and one nut even tried to bottle cow flatulence. Though now German authorities have had to admit that their hopes of reducing carbon admissions by 40 percent from 1990 to 2020 do not stand a snowball’s chance in you know where. In Lake Worth, Florida, Mr. Jordan Jefferson Bodden’s attempt to escape the police was thwarted when his pants fell down. Mr. Bodden had been engaged in an alleged burglary. He was also charged with one count of escape and one count of resisting arrest along with three counts of burglary, though he has yet to be charged with indecent exposure. In Dandora, Kenya, a church pastor has banned female parishioners from wearing underwear to services at the Lord’s Propeller Redemption Church as, according to the pastor, “bras and undergarments are not godly.” No wonder Miss Gloria Steinem having celebrated her 80th birthday on March 25 jetted off to Botswana, yet the Lord’s Propeller Redemption Church is in Kenya. Gloria, you ditz!
Islamicists continue to blow themselves up throughout the Middle East, and in Somalia an agent of the al-Qaeda-linked al-Shabab even managed to kill himself without harming any women or children or innocent pedestrians whatsoever. The unknown cretin detonated his explosives-laden car in front of a posh Mogadishu hotel while trying to parallel park. Surely al-Shabab can afford drivers ed—eh, fellows? Back in the U.S. of A. Mrs. Sharon Fowler, who is legally blind, is suing the Paradise Lakes Resort, a nudist colony, over the resort’s insistence that she break off relations with her black Labrador, Laura, a service dog. Egypt’s strongman, Field-Marshal Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, announced his plan to run for president when elections are held this spring. The presidency was previously held by President Hosni Mubarak, who has been resting comfortably under house arrest wearing his trademark dark sunglasses and pajamas, and Mr. Mohamed Morsi, who is resting less comfortably. More than 500 of his followers were condemned to death by an Egyptian court at month’s end. In sports, the Philadelphia 76ers tied the National Basketball Association’s record with their 26th straight loss, this time to the Houston Rockets 120-98, though how the Rockets managed to score only 120 points remains a mystery. On March 29, the 76ers finally won beating the Detroit Pistons—good show Philadelphia!
Obituaries included Admiral Jeremiah A. Denton Jr. a former U.S. senator and survivor of nearly eight years in a North Vietnamese prison, Mr. James Schlesinger, former secretary of defense, former CIA director, and the “ultimate Cold Warrior,” and David Barrett, one of six independent counsels sworn in during the Clinton scandals. He was a particular friend of this magazine and the longest-serving independent counsel in history. Opponents of gun owners’ rights opened a new front in Norridge, Maine, when Mr. Michael Smith was harassed for having a gun tattooed on his stomach near his waistband. No charges were filed against him, but he had better keep his shirt on.
Finally in Lincolnton, North Carolina, an amorous man posing as a podiatry student in the shoe section of the local Walmart attempted to interest a 35-year-old woman (name withheld) in a pair of shoes whereupon this weirdo student of podiatry began ravenously sucking the woman’s toes. That was strange, but how about this? In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Mr. Christopher Pagano, 42, has been booked for repeatedly exposing himself to women and propositioning them with Swiss cheese—not even Mozzarella, not even Brie! Some people have no class.