People freaked a few weeks ago when I pointed out that Republicans have a hard time in New York. Granted, my phrasing might’ve been a bit indelicate, but this phony outrage is unwarranted. I feel like doubling down.
You don’t like our tax rates? Get out.
Don’t think a woman should have the right to choose reproductive—oh, wait, what’s that sound I hear? Oh, yeah, it’s the New Jersey Turnpike calling your name. Enjoy Florida. Hope you get eaten by an alligator or an oil slick-mutated manatee.
Don’t like rent control? Fine. Go pierce your nose 50 times and live in a bombed out creperie in Mogadishu. Don’t need you. Won’t miss you. Have fun picking land mine shrapnel out of your sorry keister with only a pen knife and a pair of takeout chopsticks.
That’s how I feel. Everyone on my political team, however, insists that I make amends. Sandra suggested inviting the three or four or whatever New York GOP lawmakers to the executive mansion for some sort of event, but what kind? What do Republicans do? Not sure I’ve ever really met one. Would a jazz breakfast seem too formal? Do Republicans ever drink wine or scotch, or just “lite” beer?
Governor of New York
Listen to your better (or at least prettier) half—and your humble correspondent’s secrets to throwing the perfect party for Republicans. First, they are often found drinking a mixture of everclear and Pedialyte. Gets the job done without risking a nasty hangover. Have several different flavors on hand. Second: Republicans love Cheez Whiz, which is actually used as currency in several flyover states. Rent one of those chocolate fountains and fill ’er up. Third, they can’t get enough of hoomii, that traditional Mongolian throat singing. Fourth: Make it a costume party. Dress up as a bear, the sixth-most fearsome of all creatures.
That’s really all there is to it! Soon you’ll have those Republicans eating processed cheese-like substance right out of your paw!
I feel like I’ve done a good job since President Obama appointed me to the UN, but I can’t seem to shake this…this stupid, juvenile tic. The pressure’s on, and we’re in the middle of a crucial negotiation or vote, and someone mentions the Republic of Djibouti—and I start to giggle like a schoolgirl. “What about the military buildup in Djibouti?” The military buildup in ja-booty? Mind your own booty! There’s no arsenal (hah!) in mine!
I don’t know what it is. I can’t seem to help it. Maybe it’s the stress. Also, I feel an irresistible urge to sing the Beach Boys to the representatives from Bahrain. Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba Bahrain! Help me!
U.S. Ambassador to the UN
You really are coming apart at the seams! In the short term, try that old trick of public speaking: Just imagine Djibouti in its underwear.
But in the long term, you have to free yourself from stress. Take some time off work. Mellow out. Go to a Togo party (just don’t let your Nepal show). Put in a dip of chewing Tobago, crank up the hi-fi, and listen to some smooth electric Qatar.
I know I made a big deal about believing the scientists during my 2012 campaign, but the weather lately is starting to give me doubts. On one hand: global warming, man. On the other hand: January was colder than the baby toe of a diabetic Jack Frost skinny dipping in liquid helium at zero degrees Kelvin after the inevitable heat death of the universe. What gives?
Haven’t you learned by now? Climate science is so complicated that literally any phenomenon can be blamed on global warming.
For instance: Joe Biden’s constant misuse of the word “literally”? Global warming. The U.S. Olympic delegation’s inability to land any triple salchows? Global warming. Weak storms? Strong storms? No storms? Long storms? Global warming all. Vladimir Putin’s inhuman pectoral firmness? Well, genetics, a rowing machine, and a pirated copy of Cyrillic Photoshop—but also global warming. Your doubts about global warming? Caused by global warming.
I could go on.
I’m running for the governorship, but I confess that I’m having a problem expanding my policy platform. Yes: It’ll help the economy if Texans have ready access to abortion, and veterans should have ready access to abortion, and our schools should teach the importance of ready access to abortion. But I’m having trouble applying my core principles to other issues, such as energy or pensions.
Who needs core principles? All you need to win the governorship is cash, and you’ve proven yourself adept at…er…fundraising. Find a billionaire to wed, self-fund your campaign, and then abort your marriage. The Wendy Davis Way!