Following is the transcript of President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address, as transcribed by the Federal Satire Service.
Mr. Obama: (Cheers, applause.) Thank you. (Applause.) Thank you all for coming out tonight, and sticking around.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans, you’re probably wondering why the State of the Union Address was delayed by a full hour tonight, and why I have a fat lip.
This time, it wasn’t a bad rebound at the White House gym. (Laughter.) No, it was because of terrorism. (Nervous laughter.) You see, I was abducted. The Secret Service and a Girl Scout named Matilda heroically rescued me. (Applause.)
I won’t go into all the details right now, but let’s just say Sen. Paul might not be happy about it. Drones were involved. (Laughter.)
And before anyone accuses me of palling around with terrorists again, let me be clear: they’re all dead. (Cheers.)
I’ll be handing out a bunch of medals tomorrow. Also, and Michelle won’t like this one bit: we just bought a lifetime supply of Cranberry Citrus Crisps and Thin Mints. (Applause.)
Let me reassure you about something else. At no point during my brief abduction was Vice President Biden sworn in. (Laughter.)
We thought about rescheduling, but that would bump up against Super Bowl coverage. As my predecessor would say, you’re either watching football or you’re with the terrorists. (Applause.)
People ask who I’m rooting for Sunday. As president, it’s my duty to remain impartial. But let me just say, 12 is my favorite number. (Cheers from the Washington state delegation.)
Also, I have to warn you: the terrorists had a doctor and he stuck me with something. We’re still waiting to hear back from the lab on that one.
Don’t worry, though. Surgeon General Boris says it’s nothing fatal. Sodium Pentothal is his “best guess,” he tells me.
So I asked him, “Boris, are you sure it’s not ‘moose and squirrel’?” (Laughter.)
He didn’t like that. We may need to find a new Surgeon General. (Cheers.)
Let me talk about this historic speech for a minute, the State of the Union.
Year after year, no matter who the president is, what party he belongs to, or how deep in the outhouse this country has sunk, the guy in the White House is expected to say the same thing. With feeling.
The State of the Union is strong! (Cheers, applause.)
Recessions, hostage crises, interns with dresses that need dry cleaning — none of that matters. What really matters is hyped up hope for the future.
Tonight, I’m expected to deliver the presidential promise of a better tomorrow for enough Americans to carry my party through the midterm elections. So there are a lot of ridiculous expectations for my speech.
You would be shocked at all the buzzwords my speechwriters had to cram into this teleprompter: inequality, opportunity, investment, manufacturing, exports, insourcing, technology, H1-B visas, energy independence, global you-name-it, middle-class jobs, compromise, civility, partnerships, education, reform, reform, reform. (Applause.)
The laundry list has become a popular drinking game. There are hundreds of people in politics, at least, who will wake up with crashing headaches tomorrow because of all the predictable stuff I just said and all the shots they had to fire back to keep up. (Laughter.) In fact, I may have just killed someone. (Laughter.)
I’m supposed to say that it is my sincere desire to work with Congress. But let’s be honest, I hate dealing with Congress. I spent four years in the Senate, half of that time running for president. Couldn’t stand the place. (Laughter.)
Tonight, I’m supposed to project strength without looking like a bully, breathe new life into a slew of new programs that haven’t got a prayer of passing, tout our shaky economy as a success story, spin my latest foreign policy flops as successes, and mention Obamacare as little as possible. (Applause.)
No man could pull all that off, not even America’s first Hawaiian president. (Laughter.)
Looking back on past presidential addresses of this nature, the only thing we could say is true of all of them is that the State of the Union is long — very loooong.
But then, I got elected by promising hope and change, didn’t I? (Laughter.)
Because of our late start and my dangerous chemically induced candor, how about we do something different this year and sign off early? God bless you and God bless the United States of America, or we’re pretty well hooped. (Extended cheers, applause.)